BlogHer - Pregnancy - Comments

Wow, Melissa

anona-mom — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 11:52:34 -0600

I am very moved by reading about "Sarah". I never imagined how much was involved in fertility treatments, though I have embarked in the begining stages of getting "a little help" after 4 miscarriages. Clomid... had my first hot flash just a while ago, and am questioning: How much am I willing to do?

As a doula I love birth. As a mom who had a really traumatic birth, I know that things can go very wrong sometimes. In the right setting with the right support, and when things go well, birth is amazing, but that doesn't mean it needs an audience. Women act differently when being watched in birth, and that is where there are one or two unneccessary voyers. Outcomes can be affected. But more than anything, the sacred nature of birth is tarnished when it becomes a spectator sport.

And what of the child? Just because she is not aware that the first moments of her life are being broadcast, does it not still rob her of something? Can a mother truely be present for her baby if she is preoccupied with responding to her fans during labor?

Sort of takes away a bit of the miracle of it all, doesn't it?

~Laine

That's awesome :) I am a

MommaRoberts — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:07:42 -0600

That's awesome :) I am a Carolina fan but Hubby is die hard Clemson :)

~David's Wife 6/9/07~ ~Haleigh's Mommy 11/13/07~ ~TTC Baby #2 8/2008~

Go Tigers!

Denise — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:58:46 -0600

(I'm a South Carolinian and a Tiger, heh.)

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Big decisions are 2 "yes" or 1 "no"..

debra roby — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 16:05:09 -0600

Like headless mom, when it comes to BIG questions in a marriage, the best rule is always it takes 2 yeses to move forward. 1 No postpones or cancels any change. It's fair when you are asking an individual to commit to something serious and more long term. I know people who wil enforce this rule for simple as buying a new couch or painting the walls in the house. Surely having another child deserves this respect.

If your husband wanted something that you didn't -say moving across the country, quitting his job and having the family live out of an RV for a year - would you be happy if he enacted these choices against your consent? And these are not as large a commitment as raising another human being.

Debra A Stitch In Time Weight for Deb

Not that I would do this

TW — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 15:51:20 -0600

*cough* But in a committed heterosexual relationship-there are some fairly easy ways around a no.

Problematic in a same-sex couple or a couple in need of assistive tech/fertility help though.

Retro-Food.com

Thank you

cutiebootycakes — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:28:05 -0600

It is good to hear I am not alone. Like you, my husband and I discussed our hopes for family and we both agreed on more than one. I guess despite all the planning you do life can throw some curve balls.

Cutie Booty Cakes

there should be a support group for us!

mom2amara — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 11:08:19 -0600

Dad2Amara and I went into our marriage having discussed our hopes for a family. However after I had Amara, my hubby really was content spoiling just one child. She is now 6 and I still have this longing for a bigger family. And while my requests are surely sounding like nagging, we still talk about the possibility. And while he has not strayed away from his position, I have not either. I have no words of wisdom but wanted to tell you you are surely not alone!

www.Mom2Amara.com

Our 'rule'

Headless Mom — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 10:20:34 -0600

has always been "The 'no' wins". Reasoning: the stress of a child (sleepless nights, budget strain, and everything that goes along with it,) could seriously damage your marriage, especially if he's not 100% on board. I'm not usually one to be the 'doom and gloom' commenter, but if it were me I'd rather have my marriage and one child than 2 children and no husband. For a long time I wanted a third child, (it would have been our fourth because my daughter is from his first marriage,) but now that our youngest is in 2nd grade I'm thankful that we didn't. My husband is older than I am and his 'cut off' date was 41. Now that I'm 41 I totally understand!

Thank you !

cutiebootycakes — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:37:00 -0600

Thank you for sharing your perspective and experience with this. My son is two and when his three year old friend comes by to play I can hang out with my girlfriend and chat without concern. Even still, I hope that by "leaving it on the table" my husband will decide that he wants another baby too!

Cutie Booty Cakes

Good idea

cutiebootycakes — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 08:34:26 -0600

Leaving it on the table is a great idea. I am going to remind my husband about this- he loves the Bernie Mac show and will be able to relate to this method. Maybe he will have a change of heart after reflecting.

Cutie Booty Cakes

I've sort of been where you are

crousehaus — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 22:53:56 -0600

I have two children but have wanted a third for a long time. We went back and forth on the issue for a couple of years and then one tipsy night without the kids, my husband said, OK. The next morning he woke up and was like "what the heck was I thinking." Thank goodness for him that night didn't end in an addition to the family. I was pretty sad at the time, but I have to admit that I'm relieved that I finally saw that he really, really doesn't want another child. It is mostly financial and partly emotional (the late nights and lots and lots of work). Our youngest will soon be in kindergarten and we almost have some freedom back. If we have friends over for dinner, we can chat while all the kids play in the next room and we barely have to check on them.
If my husband wanted another child, I would be so happy, but after the past few years I've had to reflect on things, I can say that I don't want another child if he doesn't.

But I do hope your husband changes his mind!

Leave it on the table

kdc521 — Sun, 15 Nov 2009 21:55:30 -0600

That's tough. When my husband and I can't agree on a major life decision, we "leave it on the table". We got it from a Bernie Mac show episode - not saying "yes"; not saying "no"; just letting it be. Inevitably one of our heart changes and we both end up feeling great (not forced or manipulated) about the final decision.

I definitely agree with your decision not to nag though. Kids are something that both parents definitely need to want. (I do hope that his mind changes though - you two make cute babies. Smile.)

Any Advice is Welcome!!

ChattyT — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 13:22:04 -0600

Please comment here or on my personal blog, Random Musings from a Pregnant American in London

On the fence and scared

jpolk1 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:26:44 -0600

Had my first very young, and have been through single motherhood. Now married to phenomenal man who, surprise surprise wants us to have kids together. Ok. I knew this going into our marriage. Sometimes I'm really excited about it, and sometimes I'm scared out of pumps! There are days when I look at him and think about how much love our family has to offer a child and how much I miss my daughter, now 10, being a baby. There are a lot more days where I'm exhausted from work, tired of juggling and cannot imagine adding another child, no less an infant, to the mix.

Great Story

DebbieB — Thu, 29 Oct 2009 12:51:16 -0500

Thanks so much for sharing it with us!