BlogHer - Dating - Comments

Relationship How-To

Dr. Coach Love — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:52:39 -0600

DrCoachLove.com

The seeds for a relationship breakup are always there from the beginning. The seeds (or reasons) may be hidden in: truths not told, lies spoken, differences overlooked, subjects not addressed, broad tolerance at the beginning, unimportant beliefs at the time, the simple evolution/events of the relationship, and any manner of the unknown and yet to be discovered. Then, are all relationships doomed to destruction?

Absolutely not. The most important key to lasting relationships is the ability to identify these seeds honestly and develop a stable model of communication and conflict resolution. We need to be aware of the sprouting.

Some differences are important and others are not. When opposites attract, is it exciting when we see in someone else the qualities we admire and do not have. Over time, if we learn from each other we become more similar and we are enriched. Otherwise, what was once an attractive quality (opposite from us) becomes an annoyance or relationship deal breaker. Recognizing and handling our differences is key.

Having a list of qualities for your relationship/partner can be a useful tool --- but only if the list is neither too short nor too long and is prioritized. Think about qualities in terms of must haves, great to haves, and also goods.

The "must haves" are needs deeply rooted in your core values and represent the priority tier. A second tier for your list would be the "great to haves" based mostly on your important likes and dislikes. The third tier, the "also goods" are your casual preferences. You can also make a list by brainstorming and coming up with between 12 to 18 qualities. Then divide the list into the three tiers--- with no less than three or more than six items in each tier.

This process can help you gain clarity to identify a relationship that will work for you long-term--- but not without excellent communication and conflict resolution skills. If you find top-tier issues early in the relationship, despite compatibilities in the lower tiers, it may signal the wisdom of an early end to the relationship. But if the top-tier is workable, you may want to hang in for a while to see how the rest develops.

Remember, just like a handheld grater, whether we rub off or grate on someone depends on which side we slide the cheese.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

www.DrCoachLove.com

It doesn't surprise me

clueless newlywed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:45:39 -0600

Ya know...It doesn't surprise me that single people have less sex...Think about it...They have to really work to have sex. My single girl friends have to get dolled up, and hit a bar that has other attractive, single men. (Half the battle right there!) And even if they do find a bar with attractive, single men, they then have to make eye contact and flirt and all that. All married ladies have to do is turn to their partner and say, "Are you in the mood?"

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Tough decisions

sgoyette — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:40:38 -0600

This article hits on things that I think a lot of (single) women face in their late twenties or early thirties. We've had enough relationships to know what we want, yet nothing's been good enough yet, or at least not good enough to last "forever." However, I've noticed that my two best relationships were the ones for which I had no expectations starting out. I don't think much of the guy at first, he grows on me, and he doesn't have to live up to some preconceived notion of the perfect partner. My worst relationships have been the ones where the guy was "perfect on paper" or "exactly my type."I don't know what the answer is - I'm not single, but I'm not married either.

One of my friends sees problems early on and gets out of the relationship - she would much rather be single than put up with someone's BS. I envy her that level of strength and resolution, and perhaps it is part of her own self-awareness. She's also a bit younger than me. But I wonder sometimes if it can be worth it to work through the things that seem like problems in the first few months. I've also read that it takes several months to see a person's "real" personality.

Thanks for your article. You're definitely not alone.

Ugh! How did we get into

avflox — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:35:45 -0600

Ugh! How did we get into this mess?

I need a follow up column next week about how to solve for this.

Coast-T0-Coast Fakeness

Bill Cammack — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:27:59 -0600

"In Los Angeles, the things that usually mean something elsewhere don't mean anything—until they're supposed to mean something. The problem with this is that no one really knows what the hell is real and what isn't, what means something and what doesn't, until our so-called movie is over and the critics have had their say."

I wrote about the NYC scene in "Games Without Frontiers (NYC Mercs)". Your words have reminded me to talk about the fakeness in NYC dating. There's a similar lack of meaning in everything that we do, because there's too much selection. There's no need to work anything out with anyone, because you can get someone just like them TODAY.

"Just like them" might mean the way they look, the way they act, how sexy they are or aren't.. There are so many people here that whatever traits you like in someone, you can find those in another 100 people if you try looking around. I just took a walk to the store, going six blocks, round-trip and saw three chicks that I would have kicked it with to some degree that I've never seen before and I'll never see again. C'est La Vie. So What? There's more where that came from.

If I lived in a different environment, I most likely would have kicked it to one or more of them or at least said "Good Morning", but I really wasn't interested because I'm going to see more chicks I like the next time I walk out the door and I have at least two parties to go to tonight where I'm going to be introduced to women anyway. This is a style of fakeness on its own. I liked them but I wasn't going to bother saying anything to them because they're expendable. The fakeness is not informing them that I'm into them and letting them make a decision on whether they want to become friends with me or not.

Another fomat of fakeness is how these people love to call themselves "going out" with someone and then a few months later, they're single again. I fakely act platonic with them until they get over their latest fad and then it's back to whatever we were doing before that, um.. unless she got out of shape since the last time I messed with her, haha :D

Anyway, there's tons of fakeness here and not much meaning that you can actually cling to. It's just not intelligent to take people's word for stuff. That guy comes along with the apartment and the car that the chick likes and all of a sudden her greetings go from kisses on the lips to BARELY hugging you and stretching her face as far to the side as possible so she doesn't mess up her "good thing". Down the line, they usually figure out that they sold their ass for an apartment and a car and get back down with the REAL program.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

What do you think?

avflox — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:25:51 -0600

What do you think?

Dating in LA

itsdifferent4girls — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:15:52 -0600

Thanks for the insight AV.

http://itsdifferent4girls.com/blog

International Women’s Lifestyle, Work & Empowerment by Linda Sherman

No distinctions!

mbond — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 18:07:47 -0600

I've never had a lover who wasn't a friend of mine at some point! I have always viewed the two in overlapping categories. I mean your friends are your friends for reasons such as you enjoy their company or they are good people ect. so it is quite easy to change from friends to lover - afterall some affection or interest already exists!

Height doesn't really matter

mbond — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:48:35 -0600

From my personal experience - I would say that the first time you date a guy shorter than you it is kind of on your mind. But after you get over it - it never bothers you again! I suppose its different for everyone but hey - everyone is the same height lying down!

I think it took me a while

sberneche — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 17:27:25 -0600

I think it took me a while to love myself enough to have actual dealbreakers. Previously, I was ridiculously accomodating and accepting that you could hardly say I was having a "relationship" with someone else. Having said that, there were a few men I dismissed early on for various reasons. For one, I won't date a cigarette smoker because I've already dated three of them; contrary to popular opinion, it wasn't the cigarettes that bothered me, but the attitude, the behavior. I realized early on that I was always going to place second, at best. I couldn't sit and enjoy the movie credits because he'd have to head out for a light. That's a problem for me.

Another thought he was too good to ever work as a janitor. My family's fairly well off but both of my parents have had to climb up the ladder and work hard. Neither had much of a post-secondary "career". Even though I want a good career that I love (and of course it goes without saying I want the same for whomever I'm with), I'd like to think that if times got tough we'd both do whatever it would take to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table, you get the picture. I'm not too good for anything and I can't be with someone who believes they somehow deserve more than the next.

Poor manners, awful hygiene, uneducated/unintelligent, unemployed, no ambition, low self-esteem, perenially depressed/cynical/pessimistic, doesn't like warm weather or the beach (I do and hope to continue to travel to exotic locales -- and certainly not alone), disrespectful, doesn't know how to behave in a restaurant, won't pay for me at least some of the time, uncommunicative, passive-aggressive, still lives at home for no valid reason, etc.

I've been with my co-conspirator since January and it's been great. Some might say we moved quickly (we moved in together after just under eight months), but we knew as soon as we started dating that we wanted to be together, that we were a good fit, that we made each other happy. Not much has changed since. Oddly enough, he was the first man I dated after I told myself I'd no longer settle, that I'd voice any problems and confront any issues head-first instead of letting them blow up regardless of the consequences. It seems I started getting what I wanted as soon as I allowed myself to matter and perceived myself as a valuable partner in a business instead of as just the girlfriend.

Yeah, it was an epic fail.

avflox — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 07:08:52 -0500

Yeah, it was an epic fail.

That's an excellent point

Zandria — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:58:11 -0500

While you'd like for your guy to impress you on the first date, you certainly don't want him to pretend to be someone he's not. Because that's misleading. A great first date should be a prevew of things to come, not a great date that will likely never happen again!

Personal blog: Zandria.us BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Exactly.

Bill Cammack — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:55:42 -0500

That's exactly the point.

Like my man Swayze said in Road House.. "Be Nice... Until it's time to NOT be nice".

Your thinking isn't backwards at all. The real question in that scenario is "If not now... When?".

How serious did things have to get before he was willing to defend himself? How much is he willing to take before he'll be "one for fights"? The problem for YOU is that YOU might be the one paying the costs while he's deciding to be a pacifist. What's he gonna do if some guy grabs your ass or starts feeling you up when you're out on a date WITH HIM? Apparently nothing. I'm sure that's decidedly UNsexy to women who expect a guy to stand up for them AT LEAST as much as their girlfriends would if THEY were all out together.

I'm not saying he should have fought the guy... especially if he felt like he would have lost the fight. What he SHOULD have done was make sure that YOU felt comfortable and out of harm's way. If he wasn't going to defend himself (or you), being "not one for fights", he should have escorted you somewhere with better security or a higher police presence.

There's nothing wrong with leaving if you feel like you're about to take a short. On top of that, he basically 'made you' socialize with people (or at least one person) that you thought was a jerk. How's that supposed to get him points on a date? Lame. :/

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Agreed!

avflox — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:52:14 -0500

Agreed!

Once you assess that the

avflox — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 06:51:32 -0500

Once you assess that the person is a good fit, you can go all kinds of crazy places together. But that first round? That matters.

This is why it's important for them to impress within their boundaries. My ex-husband took me to an opera on one of our first real dates. Later, I found out he hated opera. That's kind of unfair. Like--if I'd stuffed my bra. It's not really a huge deal, but what you're seeing is not what you're getting. For the entirety of my marriage, I didn't get to attend a single opera with my partner. And I would have liked that.