BlogHer - Couples - Comments

the state of divorce

cjpapp — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:22:16 -0600

It seems to me that the whole system is seriously flawed. When judges order payments for child support and /or alimony that leaves the payer unable to afford a place to live is senseless. I have seen a friend of mine (excellent father) become homeless because he gave all his pay to child support - and still didn't get to see his children very often. I have 2 women friends in child custody fights - one is a teacher that must pay a large amount of money to her husband for child support and alimony because he doesn't work, the judge ordered that he was accustomed to not working. He periodically tries to get full custody - right now it is 50/50. She often goes into high debt for attorneys and has already claimed bankruptcy. (He is a musician and works under the table. She cannot afford a PI to prove it.) He is able to take their daughter out to dinner, buy her new clothes, and take her on trips (with her money) while her mother must work harder to buy baloney sandwiches or whatever else is cheap just to put food on the table.

Another friend is in a custody fight because she doesn't work. The judge ordered that she should work! She has proven abuse from the husband and child services even got involved when he threatened to kidnap her and take her out of the country - but that didn't sway the judge any. In this case, he was found to be living a double life, he even owned a business that she didn't know about it! (This was even proven in court, in California where the laws are supposed to be 50/50 ownership!) The judge knew this and still will barely give her any money for support or alimony. The husband ties her up in court and she cannot afford attorneys to fight so she relies on public defense which seems to be no help.

There seems to be no common sense, no standards, no thoughts or concern for the child. I believe it is important for the child to see that both mother and father are able to survive and support themselves. In the above scenarios, even though the spouses work hard to pay what they are supposed to, the child sees this parent as a "loser" or "deadbeat" because the other can afford to live in a nice place, to do things, to buy clothes - regardless of the fact that the "poor" spouse is paying for these niceties. I am not divorced - but these people are friends and it seems too often that the rulings are unreasonable and lopsided. It really makes me mad that our judicial system leaves power of all of these people's lives in the hands of judges that may have legal experience behind them, but no sense. Just my observations.

Asking for what you want is never wrong.....

dashingscorpio — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:49:35 -0600

Lack of communication destroys more relationships than those where a couple asks each other for what they want. Being asked does not mean you have to comply but to have a relationship end over something you never knew was important to your partner could lead to heartache. You always have the power to say NO just as your mate has to decide if what he or she wants is a deal breaker. If it's a must have in the relationship then it's only a matter of time before they move on. No matter who you are , male or female when you're in love you are going to do some things just to please your mate. This does not mean you sold your soul. It's just natural to want those you love to be happy and in healthy relationships this is reciprocated in large and small ways from cooking a favorite dish, going to see a ballet, trying something new in bed, to going shopping on "Black Friday". One of the leading causes for divorce today is there is too much "YOU & ME" and not enough "US & WE" in relationships. Everyone is so worried about "losing themself" in a relationship they are practically ready to fight at the mention of a request to try something different. Ideally a man in love will do some things that he knows his woman loves and she in turn will do some things she know he loves. The only people that get their way all of the time are those who are not in love. They don't care about anyone other than themself.

Be happpy with one....

dashingscorpio — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:09:58 -0600

It's tough enough to make a marriage work without forcing another child into a family where one of the "would be parents" doesn't want a baby which was alluded to by TW. There seems to be myth out there that if woman chooses to have a baby the father will over time be happy with having it. However that is a gamble which may not be worth taking. Some men mean what they say and bringing another baby to this world could lead to stress on your marriage then you would have hurt the quality of life your children deserved. If you have a happy marriage and a healthy baby consider yourself blessed. Recently I posted a blog asking the same question in reverse. "Are you selfish for not wanting children?" After reading the various comments posted there is no doubt that bringing another person into this world is the most important decision a couple can make.

http://shine.yahoo.com/channel/life/user-post-are-you-selfish-for-not-wanting-children-544449/

Yay, P-Dub!! in Phoenix!

outofdebtagain — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 16:53:49 -0600

Ah, thanks for the mention!!! Meeting Ree was THE HIGH POINT OF MY YEAR! She is such a sweetheart and I feel so fortunate that I got to meet her and get my book signed, and get my picture taken with her. She told us in Phoenix she's releasing her love story!! I can't wait for it to come out. She says she'll be filling in some gaps in Part I, but is going to leave it on the site in its entirely. And then, there will be Part II. I was able to transcribe our Q&A session on my site, she was so sweet, answering our questions. One darling little girl asked her if she had elephants! So much fun!

Thanks again,

Mrs. Accountability

Out of Debt Again

http://www.outofdebtagain.com/2009/11/questions-and-answers-with-pioneer...

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

I have a somewhat opposite love story...

EdibleMarie — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:55:55 -0600

I am the country girl who has come to the city for love:

http://ediblemarie.tumblr.com/post/227064942/love-sandwiches-part-1

http://ediblemarie.com

Nail. Head.

FerociousKitty — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:49 -0600

"Since I don't want to live in a world where women are made to feel guilty if they work and men are not expected to have real responsibility in raising the kiddies, I'm down with the idea that more men want to share custody of their kids. The key is to make sure that women are not punished for working while men are rewarded for changing an extra diaper or two every week. But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong. It doesn't serve working parents, stay-at-home parents, or most importantly, the kids."

This really bore repeating!

Let's advocate for change in a broken system and give a damn because that system flagrantly subscribes to biased notions about gender and parenting that do a disservice to men, women, and children.

The Faster Times - Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting 101

That's awesome :) I am a

MommaRoberts — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:07:42 -0600

That's awesome :) I am a Carolina fan but Hubby is die hard Clemson :)

~David's Wife 6/9/07~ ~Haleigh's Mommy 11/13/07~ ~TTC Baby #2 8/2008~

Go Tigers!

Denise — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:58:46 -0600

(I'm a South Carolinian and a Tiger, heh.)

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Your reaction is shared by one person after another, Andrea.

Alanna Kellogg — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:31:03 -0600

I was quite surprised, actually, the sentiment was the same in every single post. Bloggers love Ree!

Alanna Kellogg Kitchen Parade & A Veggie Venture

Twas a very funny moment, that, for sure.

Alanna Kellogg — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:28:35 -0600

My favorite moment tonight was when Ree was signing books in the front, Son #1 was working the crowd with a Sharpie, ever so seriously signing his name in book after book, nary a word, never even the briefest of smiles. He likes being a rock star!

Alanna Kellogg Kitchen Parade & A Veggie Venture

Ree is so genuine and down to earth

Andrea Meyers — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 20:57:49 -0600

I felt a little star struck when I met Ree at BlogHer Food and found myself at a loss for words, but she was so nice and personable I found myself laughing easily in her company. She's a gem. I wish we were neighbors.

~Andrea Meyers
www.andreasrecipes.com

When Ree told David Lebovitz about using Mrs. Lawry's...

Lisa Stone — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:37:16 -0600

...Seasoned Salt on our panel at BlogHer Food '09, and David made a face of mock horror, that was my favorite Pioneering moment. I'm a novice cook and owned Mrs. Lawry's and Kitchen Bouquet long before I bought my first little curry powder (um, this weekend to make this recipe). I love approachable cooking, and that's how PW rolls! And David was so campy, he's pretty dang approachable too.

Have fun tonight!

Lisa Stone BlogHer Co-founder Surfette BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.

Exclamation Points!!

Alanna Kellogg — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:04:02 -0600

I love how people who meet Ree use lots!!!! of exclamation!!!!!!! points!! to describe the thrill of saying hello in person.

Alanna Kellogg Kitchen Parade & A Veggie Venture

I just saw her in Kansas

Meryl Carver — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 16:42:57 -0600

I just saw her in Kansas City last night--completely awesome! Here's my post: http://www.mybitofearth.net/2009/11/in-which-i-meet-the-pioneer-woman.html