BlogHer - Couples - Comments

On the fence and scared

jpolk1 — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 17:26:44 -0600

Had my first very young, and have been through single motherhood. Now married to phenomenal man who, surprise surprise wants us to have kids together. Ok. I knew this going into our marriage. Sometimes I'm really excited about it, and sometimes I'm scared out of pumps! There are days when I look at him and think about how much love our family has to offer a child and how much I miss my daughter, now 10, being a baby. There are a lot more days where I'm exhausted from work, tired of juggling and cannot imagine adding another child, no less an infant, to the mix.

Relationship How-To

Dr. Coach Love — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:52:39 -0600

DrCoachLove.com

The seeds for a relationship breakup are always there from the beginning. The seeds (or reasons) may be hidden in: truths not told, lies spoken, differences overlooked, subjects not addressed, broad tolerance at the beginning, unimportant beliefs at the time, the simple evolution/events of the relationship, and any manner of the unknown and yet to be discovered. Then, are all relationships doomed to destruction?

Absolutely not. The most important key to lasting relationships is the ability to identify these seeds honestly and develop a stable model of communication and conflict resolution. We need to be aware of the sprouting.

Some differences are important and others are not. When opposites attract, is it exciting when we see in someone else the qualities we admire and do not have. Over time, if we learn from each other we become more similar and we are enriched. Otherwise, what was once an attractive quality (opposite from us) becomes an annoyance or relationship deal breaker. Recognizing and handling our differences is key.

Having a list of qualities for your relationship/partner can be a useful tool --- but only if the list is neither too short nor too long and is prioritized. Think about qualities in terms of must haves, great to haves, and also goods.

The "must haves" are needs deeply rooted in your core values and represent the priority tier. A second tier for your list would be the "great to haves" based mostly on your important likes and dislikes. The third tier, the "also goods" are your casual preferences. You can also make a list by brainstorming and coming up with between 12 to 18 qualities. Then divide the list into the three tiers--- with no less than three or more than six items in each tier.

This process can help you gain clarity to identify a relationship that will work for you long-term--- but not without excellent communication and conflict resolution skills. If you find top-tier issues early in the relationship, despite compatibilities in the lower tiers, it may signal the wisdom of an early end to the relationship. But if the top-tier is workable, you may want to hang in for a while to see how the rest develops.

Remember, just like a handheld grater, whether we rub off or grate on someone depends on which side we slide the cheese.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Regards,

Dr. Coach Love

www.DrCoachLove.com

It doesn't surprise me

clueless newlywed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:45:39 -0600

Ya know...It doesn't surprise me that single people have less sex...Think about it...They have to really work to have sex. My single girl friends have to get dolled up, and hit a bar that has other attractive, single men. (Half the battle right there!) And even if they do find a bar with attractive, single men, they then have to make eye contact and flirt and all that. All married ladies have to do is turn to their partner and say, "Are you in the mood?"

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Tough decisions

sgoyette — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 04:40:38 -0600

This article hits on things that I think a lot of (single) women face in their late twenties or early thirties. We've had enough relationships to know what we want, yet nothing's been good enough yet, or at least not good enough to last "forever." However, I've noticed that my two best relationships were the ones for which I had no expectations starting out. I don't think much of the guy at first, he grows on me, and he doesn't have to live up to some preconceived notion of the perfect partner. My worst relationships have been the ones where the guy was "perfect on paper" or "exactly my type."I don't know what the answer is - I'm not single, but I'm not married either.

One of my friends sees problems early on and gets out of the relationship - she would much rather be single than put up with someone's BS. I envy her that level of strength and resolution, and perhaps it is part of her own self-awareness. She's also a bit younger than me. But I wonder sometimes if it can be worth it to work through the things that seem like problems in the first few months. I've also read that it takes several months to see a person's "real" personality.

Thanks for your article. You're definitely not alone.

Research leads to employment for some

prophetlady — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 01:05:49 -0600

You might consider it blowing money on research, but someone got paid. In todays times people need to make a living and a research enables this process. I use to work for a variety of research companies, and I made a decent part time living doing it, and it placed food on my table.

I think you are more affected by the outcome of the statistics then the actual research itself, I hardly doubt the statistics are lying or are inaccurate in the findings of this particular study.

try not to take it so hard, and look at it as a paid study that someone made a living from, and that was the end result

Thanks.

lblock — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 22:54:43 -0600

I have been a member here for a while, but have not had the courage to do a blog post. This is my second one. I am going to use this forum for my serious writing. Things I don't want my husband to read. He reads my other blog. Daily. So, this is going to be my other outlet. I am going to go and check out your link.

Lee

www.headacheshormonesandhotflashes.com

Yes, it really does put

avflox — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:35:39 -0600

Yes, it really does put things in context, doesn't it? That's why I blog. That and to remember. I think of BlogHer as my safe place, too. It's risky, of course, this being the web, but the community makes that risk worth the sharing, the opening up of the heart and spilling of guts.

We're here for you, sweetie.

Kudos

LRM — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 21:23:29 -0600

I think it's wonderful that you are posting your feelings. BlogHer is like a virtual haven that most women are hard-pressed to find in the real world. (Or maybe that's just me.)

Good girlfriends become long-lost acquaintances, wives and then--gasp!--mothers. I think communicating here within this community of women is empowering. Although, I admit to doing more reading than contributing...and I need to work on that.

But, just so you know, I admire how open you have been. Writing is thinking and therefore helps renew the mind and, eventually, the heart.

http://www.StuffMarriedPeopleLike.com

Wow...thanks. I had no

lblock — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:12:57 -0600

Wow...thanks. I had no idea you posted it. I'm honored and touched.

Lee

www.headacheshormonesandhotflashes.com

I linked you and

Denise — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:58:27 -0600

You have some comments on the BlogHer Facebook page: http://www.facebook.com/BlogHer

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Thanks!

lblock — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:17:01 -0600

Debra: Thanks so much! I am posting over here, because I don't want my husband or my ex to see it, and they both visit my other blog daily. It helps to write it out...therapeutic. It doesn't help that I no longer have any hormones, so I am sure I will feel better once I get all of that worked out.

I agree...earning your own keep...the question is how.....

Lee

www.headacheshormonesandhotflashes.com

Thanks!

lblock — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:14:47 -0600

Thank you so much for the kind words. I am starting to post feelings and serious things on Blogher because my husband, ex husband and his new wife and family read my main blog. It is amazing how it puts it all into perspective when you write it out.

Thanks again!

Lee

www.headacheshormonesandhotflashes.com

big hugs

avflox — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 19:06:15 -0600

Hi, I'm here via a BlogHer post on Facebook. I think you have incredible courage sharing this here--reading it, I feel less alone. I know what it's like to be in a marriage that doesn't fill you, to doubt your ability to make it on your own, to question whether you have the skills it takes to come out of the house and make things work--especially since you have children who depend on you.

I wish I could give you a hug and let you know that you're not alone or crazy, that even though many of the women who read your words are states and worlds away, we're all here for you, able to listen, to console you, to commiserate, to counsel if you should need it.

If you feel like connecting with someone who was in a similar but completely different situation, feel free to send me a message through here: http://omgomgomfg.com/contact (I don't put my address on the web because of spammers.) Take care of you and let yourself cry. It was one of the best things I let myself do when I started questioning if my marriage filled me.

xo,
AV

So sorry...

debra roby — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:42:01 -0600

I some ways we are going through similar things. (our spouses..) As soon as I figure out how to earn my keep, I am outta here.

The depressions and problem sleeping was me last year. My doctor finally sent me to a psycho-neurologist who put me on meds. They help a lot. And he is FINALLY a doctor I have no problem calling when things aren't working. In the past? I'd swear I could tough through it with fortitude, diet and exercise. Those things help -but they are not a cure.

Hold on until you see your docs. If they are worth their title, you will be feeling better eventually.

Debra A Stitch In Time Weight for Deb

Ugh

TW — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 18:24:07 -0600

I am sorry to hear that you are going through all of this...hang in there.

~TW

Retro-Food