BlogHer - relationships - Comments

What's in it for him?

Bill Cammack — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:19:04 -0500

Excellent topic, Liz.

Part of "The Game" is figuring out why your current SO selected you in the first place. It's possible that he wanted someone to compromise with. It's possible that he wanted his dinner on the table when he got home from work and a woman he likes to get physical with. Depending on what his reasons are for spending time with you, he will or will not have any incentive or intention on compromising with anything you say or think.

In any relationship or negotiation, the person that's not willing to walk away from the table is at a DISTINCT disadvantage. If you want to be in a relationship more than you want to get your own way, you're stuck, so take it like a woman and grin and bear it. If doing what you want to do when you want to do it is more important, prepare for relationships to end and begin based on whether a guy feels like doing what you want him to do.

You can't really have *both*, unless you carefully screened the guy ahead of time to figure out whether he has your best interests at heart before you started the relationship.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

My turn, your turn

rebellious thinker — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 09:47:52 -0500

I wrote a blog posst a while back about "compromising myself out of a marriage." I think the key is not in compromising but in taking turns. Really, why can't I get what I want sometimes, unadulterated with someone else's desires, and the same for him? I hated that I couldn't even decide where we would eat out, it had to be a compromise. And as you have all been saying, the woman doesn't so much compromise as give in; and the man doesn't so much compromise as stand his ground. I'm divorced because at a certain point I had been so totally diminished, knowing that I could never get what I want and know that it was valid, that I couldn't take it anymore.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

clarification

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:46:18 -0500

My mom was a stay-at-home mom, not me! :)

Hm... I don't know if it's nurturing per se. I think many people manage to be nurturing without struggling to find the balance. I wouldn't say it's nurturing per se, but rather, this lesson of self-sacrifice and lesser importance and service to everyone but yourself.

I wonder how the people who were raised in a more egalitarian setting are on this issue.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

backtracking

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:39:16 -0500

Is better than the alternative, right? I do sometimes feel silly, but at least I'm seeing it and fixing it.

I like how you're communicating; that makes a lot of sense.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Exactly

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:37:21 -0500

It's amazing to me that this isn't an issue for me in my working life, but has become such a struggle in my personal life. I, too, am hoping that increased recognition of when I'm doing it will lead to getting it right in the first place more often.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

A Journey

gesterline — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:47:44 -0500

I believe one of a woman's best attributes, nuturing, is often one of the biggest stumbling blocks. Nurturing, making someone feel loved unconditionally, is a gift. Drawing the line between nuturing and losing yourself seems to be a life journey.

I was married for 21 years choosing to be a stay at home Mom as you have. When the marriage fell apart I discovered that I had totally lost myself in my ex. After spending alot of time beating myself up over this I spent time learning who I was and loving me for me. It is still a journey but I am in a wonderful relationship where my fiancee supports my journey as I am his. There are bumps but it sure is nice.

Liz, you are not alone. Finding the balance is something we are all looking for.

Genny

www.connectionsforwomen.com

Constant effort

smartchica47 — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:19:35 -0500

If you find a woman who doesn't struggle with this, please let me know! I've done the backtracking thing many times and I often feel silly when I'm doing it but I've never regreted it afterward. Previous boyfriends haven't helped (i.e., they made me feel silly, and I ended up compromixing a LOT because I was afraid not to) but my current boyfriend is awesome about it - he has told me how much he appreciates that I tell him what I'm thinking, when I'm thinking it, instead of letting it build up inside. And him being that supportive makes it easier to express my needs upfront. I've also tried to find ways to let him know that I'm compromising without *saying* it that directly - that is, to compromise graciously but not SO graciously that he thinks I truly don't care. Sometimes that means I say things like, "Well, my 1st choice would be X, but if that doesn't work for you, I'm perfectly OK with doing Y." Again, it helps that he appreciates when he knows I'm compromising, and he is willing to compromise a lot too - I think part of the problem I've had in the past was not only being hesitant to express myself but feeling resentful because I felt like the other person was never compromising and it was always ME.

At the same time, this relationship is relatively new and I worry a lot about what will happen in the future, as we encounter more issues that we both have strong opinions about. I want to believe that we'll be able to talk it out so neither of us feels like we're compromising more or giving up anything TRULY important to us, but who knows...

Jenn

http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com

Wish I could help...

tjsmith — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:49:17 -0500

But I gotta tell ya, this has been a huge issue for me in relationships. In my work, I have no trouble with boundaries and expressing myself when they're in danger of being crossed. In my personal life, however, I am jello. I've been married twice and have consistently failed to find a balance between my early training (take care of everyone, make everything right for everyone, keep everyone happy, don't upset anyone, my needs are secondary and if I can just accomplish this everything will be peachy) and the realities of today such as: my career is as demanding as anyone elses, I bring home the bacon too, it's okay to be tired and ask others in the household to help out, labor at home should be shared labor and todays dual income relationships require the players to work things out in non-traditional ways.

The result of the conflict is always pent up frustration on my part, because I also have trouble communicating since I was taught that complaining is selfish and whiney. I have spent the greater part of the last year learning to understand my part in this and all I can hope for at this stage is that recognition really is the first step on the road to recovery.

TJ Smith

www.working-with-women.com

Pop psych for the soul,

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:20:51 -0500

Pop psych for the soul, baby.

Fascinating...

Bill Cammack — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:47:37 -0500

Interestingly enough, that Chicken Head was the first relationship you LOST, and prepared your mind that things that you love won't always be in your life, relationships can be painful and sometimes it's just better to let them go so you can get on with what's left...

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

When I was little, I hated

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:08:38 -0500

When I was little, I hated baby dolls. Everyone had one except me.
My favorite toy was Entrapta, a nemesis of She-Ra, the Warrior
Princess, known for her ability to capture foes with her incredible
tech savvy. Oh, and her fabulous hair.

I also loved a chicken
head that I stole from the kitchens, which I turned into a puppet. I
knew Mother would be horrified if she found it, so I hid it. It stunk
up my room and my nanny eventually did find it. It was totally
decayed--this was quite possibly one of the most disappointing and
eye-opening moments of my early childhood.

As I got older, I
became very preoccupied with the preservation of things. By the time I
was thirteen, I had an incredible collection of skeletons, stuffed
creatures, and bottled ones.

Explains my fascination today with gadgets, fur, scales and feathers, as opposed to babies. Maybe.

I'm glad you're doing

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:46:49 -0500

I'm glad you're doing better. Dealing with a breakup like this can be hard. You're not defective: you're a son of life, as you so rightly said. :)

That analogy is the best I

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:25:12 -0500

That analogy is the best I have heard regarding the situation. Thank you for sharing it with me. I believe in the power of stories. They teach, heal and they help us feel less alone.

Thank you, dear.

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:20:50 -0500

Thank you, dear.

Fantastic Post

AnnQuirk — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:02:44 -0500

Just visiting from another Site...your post was absolutely fantastic.

It also reminds me of when I got Married, and subsequently Divorced.....it's interesting how we often (mistakenly) feel we're the only ones who could ever feel a certain way, and then you realize it's much more common than you could have ever thought.

Thank you for such a great article!

- AnnQ