BlogHer - relationships - Comments

if he asks for space....but you live together

annacorrado — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 00:59:19 -0600

My boyfriend recently asked for space, but we live together. What do I do?

It doesn't surprise me

clueless newlywed — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:45:39 -0600

Ya know...It doesn't surprise me that single people have less sex...Think about it...They have to really work to have sex. My single girl friends have to get dolled up, and hit a bar that has other attractive, single men. (Half the battle right there!) And even if they do find a bar with attractive, single men, they then have to make eye contact and flirt and all that. All married ladies have to do is turn to their partner and say, "Are you in the mood?"

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores

Ugh! How did we get into

avflox — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:35:45 -0600

Ugh! How did we get into this mess?

I need a follow up column next week about how to solve for this.

Coast-T0-Coast Fakeness

Bill Cammack — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 07:27:59 -0600

"In Los Angeles, the things that usually mean something elsewhere don't mean anything—until they're supposed to mean something. The problem with this is that no one really knows what the hell is real and what isn't, what means something and what doesn't, until our so-called movie is over and the critics have had their say."

I wrote about the NYC scene in "Games Without Frontiers (NYC Mercs)". Your words have reminded me to talk about the fakeness in NYC dating. There's a similar lack of meaning in everything that we do, because there's too much selection. There's no need to work anything out with anyone, because you can get someone just like them TODAY.

"Just like them" might mean the way they look, the way they act, how sexy they are or aren't.. There are so many people here that whatever traits you like in someone, you can find those in another 100 people if you try looking around. I just took a walk to the store, going six blocks, round-trip and saw three chicks that I would have kicked it with to some degree that I've never seen before and I'll never see again. C'est La Vie. So What? There's more where that came from.

If I lived in a different environment, I most likely would have kicked it to one or more of them or at least said "Good Morning", but I really wasn't interested because I'm going to see more chicks I like the next time I walk out the door and I have at least two parties to go to tonight where I'm going to be introduced to women anyway. This is a style of fakeness on its own. I liked them but I wasn't going to bother saying anything to them because they're expendable. The fakeness is not informing them that I'm into them and letting them make a decision on whether they want to become friends with me or not.

Another fomat of fakeness is how these people love to call themselves "going out" with someone and then a few months later, they're single again. I fakely act platonic with them until they get over their latest fad and then it's back to whatever we were doing before that, um.. unless she got out of shape since the last time I messed with her, haha :D

Anyway, there's tons of fakeness here and not much meaning that you can actually cling to. It's just not intelligent to take people's word for stuff. That guy comes along with the apartment and the car that the chick likes and all of a sudden her greetings go from kisses on the lips to BARELY hugging you and stretching her face as far to the side as possible so she doesn't mess up her "good thing". Down the line, they usually figure out that they sold their ass for an apartment and a car and get back down with the REAL program.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

What do you think?

avflox — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:25:51 -0600

What do you think?

Dating in LA

itsdifferent4girls — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 11:15:52 -0600

Thanks for the insight AV.

http://itsdifferent4girls.com/blog

International Women’s Lifestyle, Work & Empowerment by Linda Sherman

You are...

tamiel — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 22:26:12 -0500

40 years old, awesome, courageous, inspiring...be as 40 as you can be.

It's just life, after all.

Time Wasters

Dysconnection — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 09:58:43 -0500

Agreed, it's just quite embarrassing to me that I got entangled in the first place and then took 4 months to send him on his way. You live and learn though.

Typical

Bill Cammack — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 00:02:42 -0500

Like I said in my comment above, a lot of women assume that guys intend to compromise anything at all when they enter into a relationship. Sometimes, that's just not true.

In a lot of cases, guys are just adding entertainment & sex to their daily existence and it's not any deeper than that. The sooner women ask guys to change things, the sooner they realize that "it ain't that type of party".

You made the right decision to bounce instead of wasting time trying to get him to come around.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

this is helpful. I just

Dysconnection — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 16:14:06 -0500

this is helpful. I just broke up with someone because there was very little compromise on offer from him. His lack of compromise also manifested in his inability to share any kind of feelings with me - other than what seemed to centre around my physical attributes (granted - I look good ;)

I recognise that this is about my self esteem - I've been single for years - somewhere (probably from the way things were in my extremely harried parents relationship) I've ingrained the idea that I don't deserve someone good. I even found myself, after being clear about why I was breaking up with this guy saying to him 'I didn't think I was good enough for you'

And actually, that's the nail on the head. That's why I dealt with the increasing crappiness for 4 months.

So. I'm going to do some work on that. Because in all rationality - as I also told him 'I deserve far better' He couldn't follow my thinking. He said it didn't make sense. But then it wouldn't would it? He's also caught in a loop of something. But that's his bag and to be honest. I think his is probably much heavier than mine.

Beautiful poem - thank you!

angelawd — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:44:16 -0500

This is a beautiful poem, and one that encouraged me, too. I have been thinking lately about the verses beginning "Two is better than one..."; in my current difficult times I see how my husband and I support each other with God's help.

angelawd: the writer gets the last word

Beyond the club

JChandler — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 16:05:15 -0500

Strip clubs are not the way to intimacy. I have known many women who have tried the route of going to clubs with their mate only to find it had nothing to do with making their relationship better or equal. Many felt they had cast aside their values in an attempt to please their mate, others it was idol curiousity. If you question your involvment than it is not the time for you to explore that world.

Strippers are not sex or relationship therapists they are for the most part women who, for reasons most of us are not privy to, have made a decision to sell their body. As I have stated before, in my work with these women many are survivors of abuse or have circumstances in their life that made them ripe for this type of work. Beyond those that "choose" it as a stepping stone towards a better life; many more struggled with addiction and other self destructive behaviours.

You can expect to walk into a club these days and find both men and some women watching a faceless woman with no past, present or future that is of consequence to the consumers. You are with your mate essentially buying women for the evening.

I think the above mention of discussing with your partner why he enjoys the strip club is helpful. I'm sorry to be the damper on his wish for you to join him but maybe it is time people found another path towards pleasuring each other.

Coming Out or Not

goddessdreams — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 12:49:48 -0500

I may have no right to speak in this conversation--I prefer men. I've never been sexual with a woman. I have male and female friends of various sexual persuasions. One of my children is transgendered male to female and pre-op.

This post and the comments brought to mind my dear friend who passed away in 2006. She was by anyone's account a successful woman--a beloved clergymember respected by her colleagues, a published author, and social justice activitist. She was a gifted artist that created beauty from textiles and papers. This woman gave me safe space to express my heart's desire. She was one of the most open-hearted people I ever knew. She held hope for humanity and the world is poorer for her not being in it now.

In spite of all the wonderful traits she possessed, she could not find the compassion she needed to have for herself. It was on her death bed that she told me what she could not tell others--that she was bi-sexual. She lived her whole life without being able to openly express this heart of who she was. To me that is a deep tragedy. I ached for her.

How many others have been stuffed into dark corners and closets by intolerance, arrogance, and ignorance? We are all cut from the same cloth; it doesn't matter what pattern we take, what shape and color we are.

Don’t mind the destination, don’t mind the end. Learn from the past, but grab hold of now. Now is always evolving. ~Rumi

It shouldn't matter

orlapeters — Tue, 13 Oct 2009 10:35:38 -0500

In today's society it actually shouldn't matter what people's sexual preference is.

I work with gay people of both sexes. I'm fine with it. There are times when a gay female is very agressive and it becomes more than something I can brush off, but apart from that, I'm pretty much ok with it.

I know that the reality is far from where it all should be, but those are the conditions we have to live under. We just got to get on with things and do what we can.

Straight, Gay or Bi, it shouldn't make a difference. As long as we do what we're meant to do and respect other people's values, then it's ok in my book.

Orla

Product Launch Manager

Sometimes Men should go back where they came from! lol

naisi — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 17:57:23 -0500

NAISI

I just read your post and I love it, just what I needed today!!! Okay, married almost 30 yrs and it seriously gets worse each yr not better. Not sure what romance is but hey it doesn't matter that I'm tired from dealing with everything including getting a new job, animals, kids, mother, in-laws etc. I'm still suppose to do all the "woman" things and then strut into that bedroom being the vixen!

All I would like is alittle romance, you know when he walks in the door he actually comes to find me and says, "hey Babe, love ya missed ya" and gives you a hug....nope don't get that goes outside to hang with the guys, makes fun of me doesn't help with any household chores cause he is now working more hours(yeah, I'm one the one with the bonbons on the couch all day...right...wouldn't know what a bonbon was if it bit me in the butt).

But come night-time I still suppose to want to ...do it!! NO hugs, cuddling not allowed etc etc....the caveman has emerged after all these yrs and truly tired of him.

I dream of running away from it all and find a man who at least realizes I have a brain, not too bad looking and can engage in real conversation....look for him to stare into my eyes and drool a little too...won't be that bad. Hey, actually bring me bonbons and a flower would be nice.

Men sometimes need to go back to Mars and stay there until they realize it's a priviledge to be able to be with us from Venus. They are so dense they don't realize that just a smile, a hug and a "I missed you". ...is really all it takes.