BlogHer - marriage - Comments

Pop psych for the soul,

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 07:20:51 -0500

Pop psych for the soul, baby.

Fascinating...

Bill Cammack — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:47:37 -0500

Interestingly enough, that Chicken Head was the first relationship you LOST, and prepared your mind that things that you love won't always be in your life, relationships can be painful and sometimes it's just better to let them go so you can get on with what's left...

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

When I was little, I hated

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 04:08:38 -0500

When I was little, I hated baby dolls. Everyone had one except me.
My favorite toy was Entrapta, a nemesis of She-Ra, the Warrior
Princess, known for her ability to capture foes with her incredible
tech savvy. Oh, and her fabulous hair.

I also loved a chicken
head that I stole from the kitchens, which I turned into a puppet. I
knew Mother would be horrified if she found it, so I hid it. It stunk
up my room and my nanny eventually did find it. It was totally
decayed--this was quite possibly one of the most disappointing and
eye-opening moments of my early childhood.

As I got older, I
became very preoccupied with the preservation of things. By the time I
was thirteen, I had an incredible collection of skeletons, stuffed
creatures, and bottled ones.

Explains my fascination today with gadgets, fur, scales and feathers, as opposed to babies. Maybe.

I'm glad you're doing

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:46:49 -0500

I'm glad you're doing better. Dealing with a breakup like this can be hard. You're not defective: you're a son of life, as you so rightly said. :)

That analogy is the best I

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:25:12 -0500

That analogy is the best I have heard regarding the situation. Thank you for sharing it with me. I believe in the power of stories. They teach, heal and they help us feel less alone.

Thank you, dear.

avflox — Wed, 01 Jul 2009 03:20:50 -0500

Thank you, dear.

Fantastic Post

AnnQuirk — Tue, 30 Jun 2009 20:02:44 -0500

Just visiting from another Site...your post was absolutely fantastic.

It also reminds me of when I got Married, and subsequently Divorced.....it's interesting how we often (mistakenly) feel we're the only ones who could ever feel a certain way, and then you realize it's much more common than you could have ever thought.

Thank you for such a great article!

- AnnQ

www.averagebutnot.com

Yes, true

unmotivated yet — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:57:41 -0500

But what do you do when it hurts to give in? Not just your ego but also your self esteem?

The last I heard "compromise" was a two way street. You can compromise most of the time but resentment sets in. Unless of course as you say both concerned are committed to looking for "solutions that are equally satisfying to both of us".

One way streets lead to only one-way.

I am at a point in my life where I am ready to do the ultimate compromise - letting go. If living with me is not sufficient for you to give in once in a while, then I am willing to make the ultimate compromise - I am letting you go so you can do what you want without having ever to even think of me. I am letting you be yourself. Isnt that what you wanted?

Sorry for the rant but your article caught me on a day where I am one inch away from reaching for my suitcases..............

Looking at the details of a

avflox — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 19:42:32 -0500

Looking at the details of a study is important. It never ceases to amaze me how many people present the evidence in their writing without taking a loot--I did and now I wish I had taken more time to do the research. That's the key of science, isn't it? Question everything.

Excellently written.

Wow.

MizSmith — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 12:56:09 -0500

I absolutely loved reading this. Everything you said is so true. I ended my marriage four years ago and removing the ring was the biggest relief I felt in a long time. I wanted the disconnecton. He was dead weight for me and I knew I could never get what I needed in life with him around. We were young and grew into two very different people. I enjoy growing and challenging myself and he's content being exactly where he is.

My new relationship isn't the greatest and I've dealt with his infidelities. But theres something more in our relationship that made it worth sticking out. I believe we cannot find everything we want in just one person. We've never had the discussion about his affair so to speak, but I'd like to know what he feels I was lacking. Either way there are many times I'd love to have an affair myself. Find what I'm missing from him else where. Fortuantely for my family I have more self control but the temptation is always there. It's just like you said, it's always on his terms, his schedule, his time. What about my plans, my schedule and my time?

www.MizSmith.com

'Tis Possible :)

Bill Cammack — Thu, 04 Jun 2009 07:18:51 -0500

Nice Write-Up! :D

Unfortunately, historically, women haven't been trained to believe that being single their entire lives is a viable option. This is because in a Patriarchal society, there needs to be a way to ensure that even the less-attractive men can "get girls" by appealing to their desire to be wanted and/or loved.

Baby dolls, strollers and ovens are not TOYS. :) The goal is to get girls used to what they'll be doing in the future as women, or perhaps to train them to WANT to take care of kids, cook and clean in the future.

Meanwhile, boys don't have this problem and then you wonder why there are so many deadbeat dads...

So, yes. Women are generally brainwashed to believe that they SHOULD be in a relationship and that's bolstered by the idea that they WILL be in a relationship ("There's someone for everyone"). This is obviously and statistically not guaranteed by any means. Even women that "make it" to a long-term relationship don't necessarily STAY in it for the rest of their lives. Lots of women are never in LTRs at all.

So.. It's rather healthy to consider that maybe you're not the relationship type. IMO, relationships are supposed to be a natural occurrance. In a lot of cases, people settle for whomever happens to be around... the best of the worst, actually. Also, as much as you might like someone as a person, that doesn't mean you can dedicate yourself to them. Some people, for instance, are narcissists... and already in love with themselves. :D

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Thank you so very much...

chregan — Fri, 29 May 2009 18:42:18 -0500

Wow. I was simply absorbed into your posting. Very unusual for me, during the work-day, to become so mesmerized -- thank you for your gift.

Seems that Magnus didn't hate you, rather he hated himself.

Not the relationship kind? Well, I just had a "fling" with a woman I knew in high school. However, it wasn't supposed to be a fling, as I heard/witnessed/saw it. She found me on a professional networking site, emailed, and one thing led to another and she flew down, I flew up, the 'love' word was constant, and then after 5 weeks -- plop, no more, she's back with husband and flipped a switch that said 'well, he's done'. So, and we've all been there (right?), I started to think "am I not the relationship kind", am I defective in some way?

Two weeks now passed have healed so very much. I have recalled that I'm still friends with former women from relationships (even high school) though we all live so far away from one another (not defective?). So, it's best for me to really, really have the crazy radar detection set at its very highest level -- doing so will yield another healthy, fruitful relationship. Time heals everything.

Kindness,

Chris

Son of Life, and I won't forget it.

Here's why men cheat!

high_skeezer — Thu, 28 May 2009 02:07:50 -0500

I hear all this talk about stroking egos and building guys up. Guys have it set in their minds from the get go about cheating. They won't give up a woman until they find the next one. When guys get into a serious relationship they tend to lose that sexual attraction after awhile naturally no matter what the girl is like. Men like variety. If your man has cheated on YOU than its time to move on. A guy should never be excepted back after cheating. Most of them drag things out in the relationship till they get caught cause of finances and ties, they look to avoid change as long as possible. They go to the fling for sexual support. The fling will never work out for them cause the dynamics change after the wife is out of the picture. A lot of guys struggle with the relationship but can handle it if its just sex. Men get caught up in media's portray of women and tend to look at them as objects. The womens movement is going backwards without females noticing- things are more behind the scenes now. You don't see many shows on now a days that celebrate how mothers (women) are essential part to the reproduction stage and men need to treat them with that respect and dignity that they deserve. You see them in bikinis, lusting for men, parading around like bimbos. Women don't tend to care about how they look as long as they get paid for it. Why is money so important? Cause after all the TV they watch and magazines, they fall for the old if you don't have this your nothing. Why is it that most women fall for this type of advertising? Anyway, way too many details but my point is that if women want to see guys stop cheating, they need to go straight to the point and not look at band-aid solutions. Women should be outraged about media portray of women and unrealistic fantasies for men. Remember it was not too long ago that women couldn't vote- I don't know about you, but I think women need to be involved a lot more than just looking good for the camera. Don't fall victim to the media and remember guys love power mixed with independence :)

Absolutely! I just celebrated mine

Jessica Ashley — Wed, 27 May 2009 09:44:13 -0500

Oh me. Oh my. Oh mama. Link TextSassafrass

After 18 long months,there was much to celebrate with the women who supported me through the shock, tears, triumphs, drama and finally, the finalization. It felt very much like my wedding -- a way to mark a new moment in time.

http://sassafrass.typepad.com/sassafrass/2009/05/there-was-a-lot-to-celebrate-well-beyond-the-binder-full-of-paper-signed-off-by-a-stern-judge-in-january-and-followed-by-the.html

Like looking in a mirror

beachgrrl — Tue, 19 May 2009 00:54:50 -0500

Your piece was exactly what I needed after a frustrating breakup last month that felt so awkward, yet strangely familiar.

We were total opposites and I had once tried to explain to him my view of our relationship. I likened us to a girl and a boy on the beach. At the start of each day, he would rise early and meticulously build a sand castle for hours on end, while I slept in, then happily went off w/my pail in search of seashells for hours on end. Each day, as dusk would approach, I'd return, pail overflowing, and abuzz with stories about the people I'd encountered during my travels, the new type of shell I'd discovered, the undiscovered shores I'd walked upon, and the countless lessons I'd learned. Meanwhile, each day, his castle became bigger and more ornate. As the light would fade, he'd listen patiently as I regaled him with my tales. And I'd "ooh and aah" over his ever-burgeoning castle. We laughed at my little analogy and he told me, "you know me so well."

But as our relationship began to crumble, he said to me one day, "what happens if while you're off gathering seashells, you stumble across someone more interesting and you forget to come back to me?" I countered, "what happens if high tide washes your castle away and you decide that the beach is not an appropriate place to build a proper foundation?"

We promised each other that could never happen, then laughed uneasily. But, as you so eloquently put it: "If you listen to your heart and don't let what you wish were true cloud
your intuition, you can always sense when something is over."

Life's daughter may very well continue on her journey, never to return. And Pragmatism's son may be better off finding more solid ground on which to build. I'm still sad, but your blog is the first thing I've read that finally helps me to make some sense of all of this.

Thank you for writing your lush & beautiful piece. You unlocked something in me this evening that I was stoically refusing to open.