BlogHer - United States - Comments

the state of divorce

cjpapp — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 14:22:16 -0600

It seems to me that the whole system is seriously flawed. When judges order payments for child support and /or alimony that leaves the payer unable to afford a place to live is senseless. I have seen a friend of mine (excellent father) become homeless because he gave all his pay to child support - and still didn't get to see his children very often. I have 2 women friends in child custody fights - one is a teacher that must pay a large amount of money to her husband for child support and alimony because he doesn't work, the judge ordered that he was accustomed to not working. He periodically tries to get full custody - right now it is 50/50. She often goes into high debt for attorneys and has already claimed bankruptcy. (He is a musician and works under the table. She cannot afford a PI to prove it.) He is able to take their daughter out to dinner, buy her new clothes, and take her on trips (with her money) while her mother must work harder to buy baloney sandwiches or whatever else is cheap just to put food on the table.

Another friend is in a custody fight because she doesn't work. The judge ordered that she should work! She has proven abuse from the husband and child services even got involved when he threatened to kidnap her and take her out of the country - but that didn't sway the judge any. In this case, he was found to be living a double life, he even owned a business that she didn't know about it! (This was even proven in court, in California where the laws are supposed to be 50/50 ownership!) The judge knew this and still will barely give her any money for support or alimony. The husband ties her up in court and she cannot afford attorneys to fight so she relies on public defense which seems to be no help.

There seems to be no common sense, no standards, no thoughts or concern for the child. I believe it is important for the child to see that both mother and father are able to survive and support themselves. In the above scenarios, even though the spouses work hard to pay what they are supposed to, the child sees this parent as a "loser" or "deadbeat" because the other can afford to live in a nice place, to do things, to buy clothes - regardless of the fact that the "poor" spouse is paying for these niceties. I am not divorced - but these people are friends and it seems too often that the rulings are unreasonable and lopsided. It really makes me mad that our judicial system leaves power of all of these people's lives in the hands of judges that may have legal experience behind them, but no sense. Just my observations.

Asking for what you want is never wrong.....

dashingscorpio — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 07:49:35 -0600

Lack of communication destroys more relationships than those where a couple asks each other for what they want. Being asked does not mean you have to comply but to have a relationship end over something you never knew was important to your partner could lead to heartache. You always have the power to say NO just as your mate has to decide if what he or she wants is a deal breaker. If it's a must have in the relationship then it's only a matter of time before they move on. No matter who you are , male or female when you're in love you are going to do some things just to please your mate. This does not mean you sold your soul. It's just natural to want those you love to be happy and in healthy relationships this is reciprocated in large and small ways from cooking a favorite dish, going to see a ballet, trying something new in bed, to going shopping on "Black Friday". One of the leading causes for divorce today is there is too much "YOU & ME" and not enough "US & WE" in relationships. Everyone is so worried about "losing themself" in a relationship they are practically ready to fight at the mention of a request to try something different. Ideally a man in love will do some things that he knows his woman loves and she in turn will do some things she know he loves. The only people that get their way all of the time are those who are not in love. They don't care about anyone other than themself.

Responsibilities, not roles

nakedanarchists — Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:13:16 -0600

"But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong."

When my ex wanted to move to fully shared custody after 2 years of only 25% custody, it worked. Money-wise and, most importantly, for the kids. Yet I had enormous resistance from family about allowing this. As though I was surrendering the kids to the seventh circle of hell. He was a lousy husband, but remains a delightful father.

We need a societal paradigm shift that addresses responsibilities, *not* roles. The most unconventional solutions can work, if the parties are willing and the children are central to the discussion.

Thank you for making that point.

http://nakedanarchists.wordpress.com

Nail. Head.

FerociousKitty — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 20:11:49 -0600

"Since I don't want to live in a world where women are made to feel guilty if they work and men are not expected to have real responsibility in raising the kiddies, I'm down with the idea that more men want to share custody of their kids. The key is to make sure that women are not punished for working while men are rewarded for changing an extra diaper or two every week. But a knee jerk reaction to news that dads want custody and that women must do everything they can to prevent this from happening is wrong. It doesn't serve working parents, stay-at-home parents, or most importantly, the kids."

This really bore repeating!

Let's advocate for change in a broken system and give a damn because that system flagrantly subscribes to biased notions about gender and parenting that do a disservice to men, women, and children.

The Faster Times - Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting 101

That's awesome :) I am a

MommaRoberts — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 09:07:42 -0600

That's awesome :) I am a Carolina fan but Hubby is die hard Clemson :)

~David's Wife 6/9/07~ ~Haleigh's Mommy 11/13/07~ ~TTC Baby #2 8/2008~

Interesting post

Lisse — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:38:53 -0600

Interesting post.

Both my sons' classes went to Pioneer Village in Salem recently to enhance their discussion of early colonial times. It was small but interesting.

Thanks for the heads up on the Tomie diPaola book. We love him.

- Lisse

@ Home in the World: International Adoption and Other Travels

Go Tigers!

Denise — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 13:58:46 -0600

(I'm a South Carolinian and a Tiger, heh.)

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

Bravo!

Kasey — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 14:08:29 -0600

Women are a lot stronger then some might think... Even strong then most of the men I know!

I give kudos to Sgt Munley and her courageousness in taking down the shooter!

I have deployed to Iraq two times and both missions I have seen more women in my unit step up to the plate in certain conditions, more so better then the men serving along side us. I have always been a believer that women should do front line combat. They are just as capable as men are.... BUT at the same rate I can understand exactly why the Military/Government does not allow it.

It is a problem

Denise — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 09:13:38 -0600

And I feel like we get further and further away from the truth with each passing year.

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings

That's what I wonder, too

Suzanne Reisman — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:47:48 -0600

At what point does being asked to change who you are stop being compromise (which is important to a relationship to a point) and start becoming control? When my mother-in-law started graying, my father-in-law, who is overall a very good guy, told her to start dying her hair, as he didn't marry a woman with gray. She felt that coloring her hair was a small concession she could make, and didn't mind, although I was horrified. Of course, she didn't marry a guy with a big bald spot, but she didn't see the point in asking him to grow his hair back when I suggested it. For them, it was a good compromise, but I think if he asked her to have a facelift or something like that, she'd be offended. Anyway, I hear you.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Oth

I just fell in love with him, too

Suzanne Reisman — Tue, 17 Nov 2009 00:42:22 -0600

What a beautiful story! I wish every person could have such a thoughtful and compassionate partner. Thanks so much for sharing.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Oth

I totally agree

cluelesscrafter — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:28:38 -0600

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love. Once I was asked to change my face and so I did.

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said. Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race. What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

I totally agree

cluelesscrafter — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:27:35 -0600

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love. Once I was asked to change my face and so I did.

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said. Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race. What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

I totally agree

cluelesscrafter — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:26:49 -0600

I totally agree that some things are just worth changing for when it comes to love. Once I was asked to change my face and so I did.

Easy as pie.

The only tragedy here was that I misheard what my partner said. Apparently it wasn't my face that was the problem, it was my race. What a mess.

As you may have surmised, we are no longer together.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

A personal story

kazari — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 20:09:03 -0600

Very early on in my relationship (which is now 9 years and counting), we ended up in his bedroom. I was thrilled and looking forward with anticipation... until I remembered the state of my legs. From memory, we'd just got back from a multi-day sailing trip or something, and I don't think I'd shaved my legs for a week.

I was horrified, and immediately switched gears, looking for a way out of the situation. When he insisted on knowing what the matter was, I couldn't even think of a decent lie, so I told him the truth.

He hugged me, and said he cared about what was in here (touching my head) and in here (touching my heart) and not about my legs at all.

I think I fell in love with him, just then.

http://myrope.wordpress.com