BlogHer - teens - Comments

I've sooo been there...

zazupitts — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 22:58:38 -0500

....minus the snake, of course.

Or....getting the panicky phone calls from a parent who has had another "accident," and needs help with a cleanup. They feel embarrassed about the situation, and acting annoyed will only shame them.

Putting a calm, matter--of-fact tone of voice really helps, doesn't it?

I would just recite, "That's what mops are for!", get out the rubber gloves and start scrubbing.

Your parents are very lucky to have a daughter like you!

Living in Caregiverland

www.Caregiverland.com

I agree.

abgirl — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:43:23 -0500

I posted my comment before reading yours, but I totally agree. Masturbation is a private thing that everyone discovers on their own. Certainly don't tell your kids that it's wrong or dirty, but there's another extreme too. I'm not a prude for thinking that I have no place giving my (hypothetical) 14 year old daughter a vibrator and I'm not going to feel bad for being uncomfortable with the idea. It's just a very private, intimate thing.

I was comfortable talking to my mom about most things too, but I could never imagine talking about masturbation. I don't think that's a bad thing. The aim that Dr. Berman was talking about seemed to be to make sure your teenage girl is confident, in control of her body and not going to seek acceptance from boys by being pressured into sex. My mom, and you, must have found another way to do that because that's certainly how I was and how I'm sure your daughters were. :)

Reality check...

abgirl — Wed, 24 Jun 2009 02:26:43 -0500

First off, I don't have kids and I probably won't ever have them, so I don't want to seem presumptuous. But I'm also 20 years old and not far away from being a kid/teen myself so I think I can speak with a reasonable perspective on a touchy issue like this one.

My mom did a great job talking to me about feelings and making sure I had a realistic view on love and relationships, and let me know I could ask her about anything I wanted. But as far as the practical aspects of things went, i.e. protection from pregnancy and STDs, she didn't cover it, and I quite frankly didn't need my mother for that. Perhaps we have better sex-ed in Canada or something, but I received lots of reliable information from school about safe sex. I also learned about it in magazines like Seventeen and the other teen magazines my mother bought for me. It was on TV. It was in pamphlets at the doctor's office. It was on the internet. It was in books at the library. It was quite frankly in my face everywhere I went. Lack of reliable information is not an issue here.

Of course, teen pregnancy and STDs certainly ARE an issue in my area of the world, but I'm telling you--it's not a lack of education or information. Kids know that if they don't use a condom correctly bad things can happen, they know about birth control, they know the morning after pill is available if something went wrong, they know they can get tested for STDs, etc. If there is an issue with information it's that kids are so oversaturated with it that they're not paying attention anymore.

The problem is what has always been the problem with teenagers: they think they're invincible. Something like getting pregnant, or contracting HIV may happen to other people but it won't happen to THEM. Laziness is a factor too. And then there's the issue of girls purposely getting pregnant, which is happening all over the place, but of course that's another blog post and a couple of books on top of that.

Now, as far as masturbation, well, same thing. My mom didn't talk about masturbating or encourage me to do it, but the magazines I read, the information I read on the Internet, and the TV shows I saw sure did. I don't think my mom could have told me anything about masturbation or vibrators at 14 or 15 that I didn't already know. It would have been a totally pointless exercise in awkwardness.

It's all well and good to go on Oprah and talk about giving your daughter a vibrator or to write a blog post about it. But I fully agree with the commenter Atena: get over your ego as a parent and realize that you don't control the information your daughter gets nor how she thinks about it. Someone else is likely teaching your daughter about masturbation and vibrators and loving her body as we speak. She'd probably be mortified if you did it and the conversation wouldn't accomplish anything. For Pete's sake don't needlessly embarrass your kids.

Awesome rebuttal in the WSJ yesterday

sassymonkey — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 10:24:08 -0500

By Lisa Von Drasek, whom I quote in my post. You must check it out.

Grimm Stories For Youth Are Not New.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

I think that's what surprised me about this discussion

sassymonkey — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 09:05:00 -0500

I don't know anyone in junior high or high school that didn't read at least one book that would be considered dark. And yes, you are so right about what we read in school. Romeo and Juliet, MacBeth, Hamlet, Oedipus Rex, To Kill a Mockingbird - they all deal with dark elements. And Brave New World? Yep. It's just presented differently, under the "classic" label so people don't think of them that way.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

I'm surprised people think it's new

sassymonkey — Wed, 17 Jun 2009 08:57:47 -0500

The subject matter changes slightly, I like you I think it is in response to whatever the world is going through at the time. Personally, I'm kind of loving the post-apocalyptic disaster/survival trend.

Love that line from your journal entry. I'm not sure if I'm glad or sad I didn't keep one at the time...

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

I agree with Gleamy

MealMixer — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 09:54:38 -0500

I read all the VC Andrews and John Saul books when I was a teen, and I haven't locked my kids in an attic or gone homicidal. My son is a teen and I try to read at least a part of whatever he's reading, and we talk about it. He will sometimes put down a book and say it's just "too much" and we talk about that, too. Granted, sometimes I cringe, but then again, some of the stories he comes home with from middle school are just as bad!

You're right, there's always

gleamy — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 07:46:28 -0500

You're right, there's always been trauma porn. I vividly remember reading Flowers In The Attick when I was a teen and feeling really drawn into it. (In fact not long ago, I even found diary entries from that time that are all - "They are trapped in the attick but I too am IMPRISONED BY THE GREY SHADOWS OF MY LIFE WHICH NO ONE UNDERSTANDS".

The psychologist/astrologer in me links it to the collective urge to discover what is deep/dark about itself and the society we live in. Teenagers are naturally close to this since adolescence is about the revolution to establish own identity and the need to uncover the hidden and the forbidden.

Adolescence IS hard, high school IS hellish, absolutely. But I think what has changed is the format that trauma porn takes, the subject matter. The eighties saw the rising awareness of dark side of sex - sexual abuse, incest. THen for the last ten years it's been terrorists and creatues of horror (and supernatural Good vs. Evil). Now we're moving towards post-apocalyptic disaster/survival and death/disfigurment of the body. The next phase (ten years from now) will probably be about Science Gone Wrong and things that are shocking because they are so radical/weird.

Anyway, really interesting topic. Thank you for that.

http://rainsinger.livejournal.com

http://nakedastrology.blogspot.com

Wow

ShoreBookworm — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:03:35 -0500

Wow again. On just so many levels.

I just came to this thread from the bump it got today and I am really glad I did, it is so thought provoking.

My first reaction is shock at how much passion (no pun intended) this subject induced. I can see it being somewhat controversial and arguable, but I am truly surprised by the level of contentiousness the discussion rose to. That is rather disappointing actually. Sexuality and reproductive responsibility are such crucial subjects for our society. Hearing each other and listening to different points of view can be so valuable to our growth as a culture. 'Cause we're not doing such a spectacular job right now, are we?

Then there is my personal reaction. Personal, as in right for ME, not something you have to take and apply to your own life. And not such an outlandish point of view that I am likely to do any great harm to the world by it.

Personally, by my own standards and the boundaries that exist in our little family, graphically discussing the merits of masturbation is not what would work for us.

I have been a single mother since I was widowed when my four children were young. I discussed sex with my sons (the older two) as best I could. They were around when their sisters were born at home. They grew up with me nursing their siblings. It was all very matter-of-fact. I was a childbirth educator, comfortable with the subjct in general, but I discussed sexuality mostly with adult students, not my own teenage sons. They were not comfortable. I was clumsy. But we muddled through without too much damage done. Love, humor and good intentions go a long way. :)

The boys were ten years older, so by the time the subject came up with the girls it was just the three of us. They also had grown up around nursing mothers and birthing. I believed that modesty was form of manners in one's household, but that did not mean the body was hidden or shameful in anyway. We were comfortable in talking about reproduction, menstruation and they tell me now ( they are grown women, 21 and 23) they always felt they could ask me anything.

Exploring our sexuality can be a joy, but I feel it is a private and personal one. I really believe that my daughters can fully enjoy their sexuality without having had anything graphically modelled by me. Sex is a pleasure. It is not too far of a stretch to consider that sex with oneself can be likened to other pleasurable things, a bubble bath, an ice cream sundae, a movie. I don't presume to tell my girls how to enjoy those things, why would masturbation be any different? Some things you have explore on your own and make your own mind up about.

Even as I type that I can see giving any of those things for a birthday or holiday gift, but not a vibrator. Maybe I am talking our of both sides of my mouth. But I prefer to think it is because there is just a line between public pleasure and private pleasure. Not shameful. Private.

So another 'wow'. I did not think I would have so much to say about masturbation on the World Wide Web. lol But there you have it.

My final two cents: chill out everyone! Be respectful. Listen. We have a lot to learn from one another. :)

Marie

www.nourishourselves.blogspot.com

www.theshorebookworm.blogspot.com

Or worse than pregnant

Nordette — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 11:38:40 -0500

Teens are contracting AIDS and other sexually-transmitted diseases because they have unprotected sex and don't have the information they need. Thank you, Bill.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Use It or Lose It

Bill Cammack — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 07:06:39 -0500

Basically, people that don't educate their kids about sex are throwing them to the wolves. "The Streets" are just waiting for more people to have fun with and/or take advantage of.

It might have made sense (probably not, though) back in the 1950's to NOT educate your kids, because all of the media was controlled. There was no "cable television" or sex sites on the internet or MTV and BET's latest "Sex on the dance floor" videos for kids to watch and become either interested in or curious about.

At this point in time, whatever you don't teach your kids, they're gonna learn in the street. You're better off feeling uncomfortable and talking to them NOW than finding out your kid's pregnant or got some other kid pregnant a few months or years from now.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

Love that dog

sassymonkey — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:16:59 -0500

I like the idea of Love that Dog and Hate that Cat being read by the whole grade. Isn't it great when books take like wildfire over a classroom?

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

Yay Cybils

sassymonkey — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 06:13:05 -0500

When are you going to read The Explosionist? I liked that one.

Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

Book recommendations

PinkLockerMom — Sun, 07 Jun 2009 07:09:51 -0500

My 11-year-old son raved about Love That Dog and Hate That Cat, two books by Sharon Creech. It seems like the whole 5th grade was reading them.

Also, I'd like to recommend a novel I wrote for tween girls about puberty. It's available for free online, in its entirety, at www.pinklockersociety.org. It was medically reviewed by the experts at KidsHealth.org, where I work, and it's been well received by girls.

Happy reading!

My recommendation...

Denise — Sat, 06 Jun 2009 16:43:57 -0500

Just hit the Cybils short list. I've been working my way through the entire short list and I'm loving every second of it.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

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