BlogHer - police - Comments

Online Safety Group

Martha Z. Martinez — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:35:17 -0500

That is great! I will check the site. Any organization or website that helps keep women and men safe, interests me.

http://www.WomenOnGuard.com/contact_us.htm

Online Safety Group

Martha Z. Martinez — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:34:50 -0500

That is great! I will check the site. Any organization or website that helps keep women and men safe, interests me.

http://www.WomenOnGuard.com/contact_us.htm

Online safety group

Denise — Mon, 15 Jun 2009 12:02:13 -0500

Wow, Kanapolis! My sister lives there.

(I just sent this post to the Online Safety Group sponsored by Intelius because I think people who visit that group would be interested in this. http://www.blogher.com/groups/digital-reality-check )

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

Thanks for your comment...

tjsmith — Fri, 12 Jun 2009 17:09:52 -0500

I hope so, too Sarah. Thanks for the kind comments.

TJ Smith

www.working-with-women.com

40% of parents in prison for non-violent drug offenses

WriterGrrrl — Wed, 10 Jun 2009 14:11:13 -0500

www.CopsSayLegalizeDrugs.com

Instead of using "bad choices" as an explanation for incarcerated parents, I wish you'd talked about prison reform.

Good start, though.

Also, here is a CA program my friend started. I think you're going to love it.

http://www.cdcr.ca.gov/News/CDCR_News/page_7.html

Lucky...

snackiepoo — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:24:05 -0500

I know it's an odd thig but I actually consider myself lucky that my Dad was only in jail a few times for DUIs and then he got his stuff together. The first time it happened, everyone lied to me that he was going away on a trip and the truth is that the lie was way worse then if they had just told me where he was. The fear of him not coming back would have happened either way however at least I would know that *I* didn't cause him to leave.

There is hope

sarahday — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 14:11:19 -0500

I truly appreciate this blog post. I work solely with men in a male field and so I completley understand the frustration - going through my training, I met countless people that made me want to scream. But I am blessed in that I have been very well received once I got into my actual field (which surprises most other people) and as there have only been 4 girls in my country doing my job in the past it is quite surprising. How I can be so well received when there hasn't been anyone fighting their way through (and by the way the only other gal currently doing this job is actually on "light duties" as she is pregnant... and everyone is VERY happy for her - she is one of the most respected individuals - period - in the job).

I know that we are lucky that our peers seem to have forgotten the stereotypes, but I know those stereotypes are still out there. I'm certainly hoping that "my boys" are becoming the norm and are not just the exception.

Sarah Day

live large, laugh often, wear purple underwear

house of day

Some literature resources

Candelaria Silva — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 10:51:17 -0500

This is an important post. I've done several parenting workshops with incarcerated mothers, mothers whose partners/husbands were incarcerated and corresponded with a male friend of family who is incarcerated and tries to keep in touch with his children.

There are a few books for children that can help parents/caregivers have a good discussion with children. Two picture books I've actually used in the parenting workshops with parents in jail and prinson are

Visiting Day by Jacqueline Woodson with illustrations by James E. Ransome (Scholastic Press). This is about a little girl and her grandmother who go visit her father who is in prison.

Mama Love me from Far Away by Pat Brisson, illustrated by Laurie Caple (Boyd's Mill Press) A little girl named Sugar and her mom keep in touch despite her Mom being in prinson.

There are others geared toward teenagers but I haven't used them yet.

http://blog.candelarisilva.com

http://examiner.com/x-2478-Boston-Domestic-Issues_Examiner

Good and plenty!

So True

theprisonerswife — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 09:56:53 -0500

thanks for your perspective Leighbra. my husband is often depressed when we leave, not only because he can't go home with us, but because usually are visits are months in between. but it's a tough thing all around. so far, my son doesn't have many questions but he'll say something, something like..."let's go to the airport" and i know he misses his dad.

Also, you're right about the books & board games. i've donated a few. but reading your comment makes me want to donate some more. not just for OUR visits, but there are a lot of kids that come to visit & there's not much to keep them entertained.

~~Gimme Love: http://theprisonerswife.blogspot.com

An outsider's perspective...

Leighbra — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 05:17:00 -0500

My husband is a correctional officer at a maximum security penitentiary, and he works hard with the men he supervises to help them foster good relationships with their children. It's so important, that even if they're not still with the mom, that they do their best for their kids.

It's hard for him to see the kids when they come in, because the dads are so often uncomfortable, trying to eek every minute out of the time they have, and the children have such unconditional love. Everyone's a touch desperate, hoping for more time.

Then they leave.

The good daddies often deal with depression for days after a visit. But it's a good motivator.

Most of the men my husband works with don't want the inmates to know if they have kids or are married, but my husband and I talked long and hard about it when he started, and he wants to be a good example to these men, so they can go home, and not come back to prison. He tries to show them every day that you do what you gotta do as a dad, because that's your job.

It's heart breaking to see the moms trying to make it right, the kids trying to make sense, and the dads trying to deal with the guilt.

Parenting is rough enough on the best terms. I don't envy your "not so single, single mother" role, Prisoner's Wife, but heavens do I look up to you for your hard work. You are doing great stuff with your son, and I enjoy reading your blog.

I know this is out of left field, but something small that people can do to help is, when you go through your good condition board games or children's books consider donating them to your local jail or prison. The materials that some facilities have for their family rooms are dismal. They can really help make a visit much more fun and comfortable.

I can't imagine, Prisoner's Wife.

Rita Arens — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:25:50 -0500

My heart goes out to you and your son. I'm sure there's a way to explain it, and it's probably this: People make mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes.

Rita Arens writes at Surrender Dorothy and BlogHer and is the editor of Sleep is for the Weak.

You Tell the Truth....somtimes

theprisonerswife — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 20:10:39 -0500

You're question of when & how to tell a child their parent is incarcerated is a good one. I'm not sure when it's the right time. I guess it depends on the age of the child. Right now, my son is 3 and he has no idea what jail is, nor does he "get" the concept that daddy is supposed to be living with us. We visit as often as we can--which isn't a lot considering we are on 2 different coasts, but the visits are important. My beloved has been away for my son's entire life. So making sure there is a connection, through visits, phone calls, and letters is necessary.

Lately, my son has been asking to go to the airport A LOT. He has wrapped his little mind around the fact that when we go to the airport, we go see daddy. Maybe this is the beginning of me having to have a conversation with him, in his 3 y/o language, about daddy being away. I mean, we talk a little about it, but I'm sure he'll have more questions as he grows older. In the meantime, all I can do is make sure he never feels any sort of way about his dad being away. The stigma is real. But with over 2 million people incarcerated in prison, there are an awful lot of children & families left to deal with the fallout. I guess that's why I blog. I'm normal. My life is normal, and I want people to know it.

~~Gimme Love: http://theprisonerswife.blogspot.com

My sister is in prison now

ItsKelly — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 14:13:22 -0500

My nephew is 7 and his mother has been in prison since he was about 6 months old. He lives with my parents and they take him once or twice a month to visit her. I hate the thought of him going to visit his mother in prison, for so many reasons. But he was so little when she left, and this is the only way he can know her. I'm sure he carries so many questions, so much confusion, but he never talks about it.

My sisters and I had wonderful childhoods and were given every opportunity by our parents. I stuggle to understand how it all got to this point. You are so right when you say, "these people are suffering from others' actions". I'm almost 30 and still suffer from my sister's actions. I can't begin to imagine how it is for a 7 year old.

Thank you for your post.

~Kelly
http://itskelly.com

Something That's Not Talked About Enough

Diana — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 09:41:03 -0500

Great post, Rita!

There is such a terrible stigma surrounding families where one parent is in jail. It leaves the issue largely unaddressed in the media from what I've seen and that is a shame because you're right those children are struggling and the parent who is left out "in the real world" waiting is too.

I'll never forget one my oldest daughter's preschool Christmas Party. I was sitting in one of the tiny chairs at a little table covered in a big puzzle surrounded by kids who were chattering about Santa and the specific dietary needs of reindeer when a little girl who had been watching on pushed her way into the circle at my side. "Joe's in jail again." She said. And then she just looked at me and you know, I really wasn't sure what to say. "Oh. I'm sorry." is all I managed. And she turned and walked away.

It was such a heart wrenching experience because you could see in her face that in some way she just wanted recognition. She wanted someone to see that she could see what was happening - even if she didn't fully understand.

Diana blogs at Of The Princess and The Pea ( http://oftheprincessandthepea.blogspot.com ) and can be found on Twitter at www.twitter.com/dianamarie.

Conditioning and Culture

tjsmith — Sun, 31 May 2009 09:20:02 -0500

I think both play a role in our reactivity to one another. And lets not forget tender egos. I, too was groomed early on for leadership, and given opportunities to shine. I was that girl who could run as fast, shoot as well and was tickled to mix it up when things got dicey. Before you knew it, I too, managed to smile at the wrong moment or at the wrong person or failed to do so. I completely understand what you mean. I feel a blog coming on about this, as I do have a theory. Thanks for checking out my site. It is ,for sure, a work in progress, but I am having fun with the creative process.

TJ Smith