BlogHer - John Edwards - Comments

I might know a secret about Elizabeth Edwards...

puella — Mon, 18 Aug 2008 00:31:59 -0500

While it might seem obvious that she has been slapped down emotionally by John, consider the possibility that she is soooo over him and has been since she made it through the first bout of cancer.

I've been there, done that (cancer, surgery, straying spouse) and I can't tell you how little the fidelity of my spouse matters to me from this perspective. I know I'm not the only one because there is fascinating research that shows the increased likelihood of marriages to break up after the woman has brain surgery (my particular focus)...and get this...overwhelmingly because the woman leaves the man.

After you look death in the face-I speak for strong women here, Elizabeth is one-facing the joke of the affair John had is just that, a joke.

My theory: Elizabeth is sooooo over him, and would be soooo out the door if it wouldn't be a political/media circus. I guarantee you this: she puts up with nothing when they are behind closed doors and is doing only the things that she finds meaningful to herself, her life, her mission. She is no victim, she has been freed from the confines of the fairy-tale myth unscathed women muck through.

marriage is tough!

Julia Stonestreet Smith — Sun, 17 Aug 2008 00:13:28 -0500

I'm not sure I know what the answer is but it feels like the direction we're heading with the nuclear family puts incredible pressure on a marriage. It's a couple out there on their own with kids...hanging together for years and sometimes getting bored or drifting apart. I wonder if smaller communities with stronger bonds tend to have less cheating because everyone knows everyone? In those communities there might be more support for the couple and the family so that these rifts don't develop. WAIT A MINUTE! I guess cheating has been going on forever no matter what the community context...

this is good stuff

Julia Stonestreet Smith

writing weekly wisdom for YOU at:

http://www.leoninetimes.blogspot.com

The funny thing about this post is

Suzanne Reisman — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 11:31:38 -0500

that while I am very interested in the topic and hopeful that marriage will change in the future to better accommodate our needs as human beings, I'm committed to monogamy for myself. Not only because I fear hurting (and losing) my husband and admit that I'd absolutely be devastated if I found out that he had an affair, but also because it seems like the simpler way to go. It's not like I haven't been attracted to other people (for example, I don't think that fantasies of running away with Daniel Craig for a steamy weekend count as cheating), but I don't feel the need to act on it. (Not that Daniel Craig asked me to run away for a steamy weekend, but if he did, I'd force myself to say no for the aforementioned reasons.)

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

it is ever evolving

mommalittle.com — Wed, 13 Aug 2008 21:02:23 -0500

I've often thought about what marriage would be like for my children, but oddly, never beyond that. Without a doubt, you are very correct about how different it will be. Which leads me to a thought I had after the news of Edwards affair broke. Now, I'm in no way suggesting that the Edwards had an open relationship because Elizabeth's cancer made sex difficult or, frankly, unbearable, but I thought it was interesting that no one assumed that could be the case. Not 2 weeks ago, Oprah aired an episode upon this very subject and the couples in "open" relationships all looked like PTA parents. They weren't carrying whips while licking their lips at the audience. I hate that John jeopardized the party I love for his own ambition, but I hate more that leaders are put through a political litmus test. Most of our most successful leaders have been dirty dogs.

Also, I found the Guttmacher statistics very interresting, especially the more partners one has from 18 to the first marriage, the more likely they are to committ adultry. As soon as I read that, I thought of all the married and divorced people I know and that really seemed to be indicative of their future monogomy or lack there of.

GREAT POST!

Come share a laugh!

http://mommalittle.com

the brotherhood

cutiebootycakes — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 12:08:42 -0500

I love the title of this post so I had to come check it out. I agree with you completely that the US needs to start dealing with sex head on. Not only in the political realm but especially in the health arena. Sex as a "taboo" topic is one of the main reasons why HIV/AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases continue to ravage Americas and especially teens and young adults. If we were able to look at politicians as equals that happen to have a job representing us we would admit that infidelity often comes with marriage, not that I condone it but it is reality.

The US needs to loosen up and perhaps some real change could happen.

Renée aka Mekhismom
Cutie Booty Cakes a blog about my life as a WAHM starting a new diaper cake business

the mantle

Gloria Feldt — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:50:46 -0500

Rebellious, I hadn't thought about the waves of immigration that by rights might have made a difference in the culture. It is an interesting question, given that immigrants have so shaped and changed other aspects of our lives. Wish I knew the answer!

Gloria Feldt

www.GloriaFeldt.com

www.GloriaFeldt.com/heartfeldt-politics-blog

ccarfi, you are correct

Gloria Feldt — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:48:32 -0500

Thanks for the eagle eye!

Gloria Feldt

www.GloriaFeldt.com

www.GloriaFeldt.com/heartfeldt-politics-blog

Thanks for mentioning Isaac

Mata H — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 11:23:14 -0500

Sad, sad day.

Did you ever hear the albumn he made with Dionne Warwick "A Man and a Woman" ..by the time he was done singing "My Love.." the audience was almost bursting with happy lust ...he knew how to work a song for every ounce of meaning, that is for sure.

Rest in peace, Isaac.

...~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Fact Check

ccarfi — Tue, 12 Aug 2008 10:24:33 -0500

>Illinois Congressman Larry Craig

Larry Craig was actually the Senator from Idaho

very insightful assessment of marriage

Suzanne Reisman — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 20:06:46 -0500

You are so right on in every way! Marriage has changed so much over time, and it is interesting to think about what it will look like in the future.

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants

I'd love to know what marriage will look like in 100 years

jessica.schafer — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:59:56 -0500

Dan Savage, in Skipping Towards Gomorrah, had a really interesting take on how swinging could actually enhance marital relationships because it acknowledges the desire/biological drive to have sex with numerous partners, but also allows the emotional commitment to be maintained between just two people. Its an interesting argument.

I think that humans can maintain long term monogamous relationships, but I think that because social mores surrounding marriage are changing, its less likely now than a hundred years ago. On the plus side, people and especially women are able to leave abusive and unhappy situations. On the down side, people are less willing to work through conflict and crises. The reality is that we are becoming less and less able to maintain monogamous relationships, so either we need to look at some form of open marriage, or work on forgiveness, grace and humility when infidelity does occur.

Great post!

In Between Words

http://jessicaschafer.wordpress.com

Depends on which Ludacris she listened to

Kim Pearson — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 18:13:55 -0500

Hi,

I'll tell you the truth. I didn't know how crude Ludacris was until I heard the YouTube video that insulted Hillary Clinton. I had only heard the Walmart versions of songs like "When I Move You Move," before that. His song with Mary J. Blige, "Runaway Love," is mature for a three-year-old, but only because of the seriousness of the subject matter. It's a very socially conscious song that decries the abuse of women and girls. The Ludacris Foundation raises awareness of the problems runaway children face, and provides services for at-risk youth. I've watched the Runaway Love video with my own children (who are older than Obama's) and it provided a good opportunity to talk about some of these issues.

In a way, this is nothing new. Redd Foxx's comedy albums were much "bluer" than what we saw on Sanford and Son. But when he became a mainstream star, most people outside the chitlin' circuit knew nothing about the rest of his body of work. Ditto Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, or the recently-deceased Bernie Mac. The difference now is that corporate marketers think nothing of playing material during family hours that used to be restricted to nightclubs or other adult venues.

So the real point is that you need an interviewer who knows enough about hip-hop to not only ask what rappers do you let your chidren listen to, but what versions of their work do they hear?

Kim
BlogHer Contributing Editor|Professor Kim|

Brotherhood of the Traveling Pants

rebellious thinker — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:15:36 -0500

I love the title of this post!

So true, this weird obsession and subsequent hypocrisy with sex is ridiculous. I wonder if those politicians who are now trying to revise the definition of abortion as anything that prevents a woman from becoming pregnant using condoms in their assignations?

How is it that each wave of immigrants to this country takes on the mantle of puritan attitudes towards sex? Why haven't they succeeded in loosening things up?

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Barack's VP

imaginarybinky — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:56:52 -0500

I signed up to find out about Barack's VP selection. I'm curious about it now that John Edwards is kaput.

I live in Denver. Currently, I am trying to find places to volunteer 6 hours of service in order to qualify for tickets to Obama's speech at Mile High Stadium. That's a lot of hours in one week!

Cheers,

Sarah

Imaginary Binky

it's particular to this case, sure

Suzanne Reisman — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 15:44:01 -0500

I think Octogalore raised a very interesting point (although she did not have anything but anecdotal evidence) that wives do not tend to cheat on men when they get sick, and the comments on her post indicated that more wives stick around when their husbands are alcoholics than vice versa. But I'd also point to the social context of that. Women are expected to be caretakers; men are not. I think Nordette's point was right on the money that illness and caretaking can add extra stress to a marriage, which can drive someone into an affair. Does it make it right? If someone expects his or her partner to be faithful, no, it is not OK.

But I think the broader question I'd like to use this latest scandal to address is whether penises are really heat seeking missiles looking for any target, as a number of bloggers seem to imply (i.e. - is it biologically inevitable that men cheat and women stay faithful?). Personally, I don't believe that biology makes men stray and women stay. I think it is social context. Females have historically had less opportunity to cheat, and when they did and were caught, the repercussions were so severe and swift that it certainly sent a message to other women. Today, women are increasingly economically self-sufficient, so if we get caught in an affair, the ability to survive is not removed entirely. In western countries, we are also no longer stoned to death, forced to wear a scarlet letter, or forced into social isolation. Hence the rates of women who have affairs has increased. For these same reasons, women may have less incentive to tolerate male cheaters, which may discourage husbands from conducting affairs.

We are not at parity yet, but the gap is closing. Which brings up the next question: Are humans able to sustain long term monogamous relationships, and if not, how do we make adjustments?

Suzanne Reisman, Contributing Editor - Feminism & Gender
Campaign for Unshaved Snatch (CUSS) & Other Rants