BlogHer - career - Comments

Define what you want and go for it!

wishwaithopepray — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:51:05 -0500

This was a great post for me to read with less than 12 weeks until I bring my first child into the world. I'm actually looking forward to being a parent because it gives me an excuse to redefine myself. I want to be one of those people who is lots of things and have loads of slashes between them - but it seemed a bit rediculous to do that when it was just me. Now I'll have a child as an "excuse" I'm looking forward to redefining myself and my family.

I honestly believe I'll be a bigger success now than ever before, partially because the opportunity to redefine what I want is so refreshing and it lets me find new ways to do things. I agree that there's never a perfect time to add kids to your life (although I do believe you can wait for a 'better' time) but I also think if you've never ever considered how you're going to make it work, or better yet, what 'making it work' means to you then you're opening up a whole whack of struggle for yourself. I'm lucky that my husband and I have a very 50/50 relationship already so our intention is try and keep that balance - but I do aim for balance overall rather than an every single day thing!

Hope that makes sense!

This is fantastic

Denise — Tue, 05 May 2009 09:51:23 -0500

First, I'm sending your post to the BlogHer Caregiving Group and we'd love to have you join if you're interested.

Next, no career changes yet because both TW and I work from home (thank goodness.) I did spend some time pondering what would happen if one of us no longer worked from home... that just led to anxiety I didn't want to deal with so I stopped thinking about it.

I love that your life went in such a different direction and that you're happy.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager

Flamingo House Happenings

Moments of obligation

Britt Bravo — Mon, 20 Apr 2009 18:26:40 -0500

llhaesa - It's true. Pain is often what compels us to change things about ourselves or in our world.

bandrews - Wow. Thank you for your inspiring story!

The Mother - I'm so sorry you feel like you are, "looking in from an outside window." Society often doesn't reward people who march to their own drummer right away, but oftentimes those are the folks whose new perspectives change society. The shadow side of their genius is that they are often ahead of their time--which can feel lonely. Hang onto your unique way of looking at and experiencing the world. It will be appreciated eventually.

Everyone has an obligation

The Mother — Sun, 19 Apr 2009 19:23:05 -0500

Everyone has an obligation to be themselves. And the best self that they can be.

Society, on the other hand, neither rewards nor encourages this endeavor. Our cookie cutter, follow the leader world isn't kind to those who march to their own drummer.

And yet I do. Sometimes I feel as though I'm looking in from an outside window, but I do.

Making a Difference

bandrews — Sat, 18 Apr 2009 15:57:31 -0500

My moment came in the early 90's as a young mom who was going blind and a degree in business, I began to volunteer with the Foundation Fighting Blindness. I realized that my pain that had been transformed into growth could help others ... I could make a difference in the lives of others by helping them process their lives. I returned to school as I was continuing to lose sight and obtained a master's degree. Now, ten years later I am living my passion as a therapist and certified thanatologist.

Learn lessons well...

nelle2nelle — Fri, 17 Apr 2009 18:59:19 -0500

I would guess there are a lot of little moment as well, including after we do things like say... fall apart (raises hand.)

Finding the fight within to stand up, reclaim life, move forward, and work to change things in ways large and small is important. Failure does not mean 'never can', but it might mean 'learn, get up, and move forward again'.

You are likely right, such moments are always lurking, ready for us to be confident and bold; I've a feeling you are ready.

llhaesa

Hi there

mashadutoit — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 07:09:13 -0500

I'm a lecturer in new media, and I teach a lot of the stuff you are learning...as for how I started my career...

I just jumped in the deep end. Got a computer, got a job designing a Flash website (just started getting literate on a computer) and just winged it, learning as I went.

I actually find it quite weird teaching these things to students, as I constantly find myself thinking - "why are you waiting for me to tell you how to do stuff...when I was learning, I just had to FIGURE IT OUT FOR MYSELF!" which probably just means I'm getting old and crochety.

Steph, I had no idea the underlying circumstances behind ...

Jory Des Jardins — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:48:36 -0500

... your Mommydom. I hear these stories often. And while I agree with GeekMommy that you DO have to plan parenthood, you could also OVERthink it too. Waiting for that place with the extra bedrood could be like waiting for Godot!

-J

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

the fabulous MizzJenny gave me the same advice

Stephanie ODea — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:20:15 -0500

and 3 mos later I was pregnant. And I was 24, with a husband in college, and we were living in a 1-bedroom apartment.

Life has a wonderful way of just working itself out.

I've done/been all 3 acronyms: sahm, wohm, and now wah. I work more now than I did when I was out of the house.

I'm certainly not one to talk you (or anyone) into anything, but you could most certainly adapt to a child or a bunch of children in your life. It's just a matter of deciding if you (and your husband) want to have that life experience. ANd if you don't? there is NO need to justify that decision to anyone.

and if you do decide? I will hold your hand. I promise. and I'll send you a crockpot. you'll need it. :-)

xoxo

steph

A Year of CrockPotting

Totally Together Journal

the fabulous MizzJenny gave me the same advice

Stephanie ODea — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:19:49 -0500

and 3 mos later I was pregnant. And I was 24, with a husband in college, and we were living in a 1-bedroom apartment.

Life has a wonderful way of just working itself out.

I've done/been all 3 acronyms: sahm, wohm, and now wah. I work more now than I did when I was out of the house.

and if you do decide? I will hold your hand. I promise. and I'll send you a crockpot. you'll need it. :-)

xoxo

steph

A Year of CrockPotting

Totally Together Journal

Worrisome

Zandria — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:53:30 -0500

I don't have kids, but I've seen more than one happily-working friend give up their job in exchange for motherhood. While some do it because they prefer to be at home with their kid, sometimes it's because their husband is paid more and the woman's salary barely covers the cost of quality childcare. I must admit that worries me. I'm certainly not an executive, and I can see myself (years down the road when/if I decide to have kids) having to make that choice about who should work and how to divide the responsibilities.

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Thanks Wilma!

Jory Des Jardins — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:45:40 -0500

One of the things I really appreciated about this book is their research into how kids do when their parents stick to careers. I was often told kids would suffer, and I'm sure in neglectful circumstances they would. But not because Mom went back to work full-time.

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

Sacrifice is the killer.

Wilma Ham — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:50:08 -0500

The real fear isn't the responsibility, it's the underlying sacrifice that has, time and again, come with the responsibility of children.

I am sure there are other ways to do parenting and working IF we can let go of the current so called right ways, our fear of doing it wrong and our need to make sacrifices to make things right and 'go to heaven'.
If only we could let go of the belief that as long as we sacrifice ourselves for our children we have done everything we can.
Sacrifice is the worst thing one can do.
Sacrifice is seen like a guarantee, a play it forward plee for forgiveness for everything we might do wrong and is of course totally hopeless and hypocritical.

Sacrifice is seldom a win/win and a guarantee and should be banned for life!

As a woman you don't have to sacrifice yourself for your children, although the children will try to get you to sacrifice yourself as does the whole world. Everybody will do its best to keep you in the mummy cage.

In my life I have chosen for myself and yes, there was little support and don't go there if you want to be popular or need acknowledgment.
My oldest can bring up stories about her bad mother but daughters do anyway, so I don't buy into those.
The youngest thinks I am great!

The only thing I can say is when you choose and I mean really choose your life, keep your stand.

Be clear that sacrifice is NOT a guarantee to good parenting and let nobody make you feel insecure about the path you have chosen.
Your children will always have something to moan about a mother/parent, if you stay at home you are not interesting enough, when you have a career and a nanny and a housekeeper you were not present enough blah blah blah.
NONSENSE, you choose your life and you live it. As long as you choose from YOUR heart and be clear, your life and that of your children will be beautiful!

Society has an invested interest to keep the order, it has its systems organized around it, and it suits everybody to keep women in sacrificing mode.
But as an individual you can choose if you are daring enough to go for innovative solutions and cope with the critique that will undoubtfully come your way.

For me the key was to keep unwaveringly believing in my right to choose and having the belief that my choices were alright.

Jory, keep questioning and you will find ways that will suit you and don't just think the ways you see around you are it.
And when you choose, stand behind your choice no matter what.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

GM--You just simplified that!

Jory Des Jardins — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:35:52 -0500

All this hemming and hawing--I should have just given you a call ;)

Good, good points.

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

Sounds like an interesting book...

GeekMommy — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:35:22 -0500

Sounds like an interesting book - one I'll have to put on my reading list at some point. But there are a couple of things I'd kind of like to refute here - at least from where I sit as a Mom.

If you wait for it, you will never have one. It's very much a 'leap now and find the net later' mentality

Really? So apparently my deciding to get to a certaion point in my own career, not have a child unless I was with someone else I'd been with for at least 3 years & expected to be with the rest of my life (or after having decided to go it solo) and to wait until I was financially capable was a pipedream. Except it wasn't. I did all of those things. I really hate hearing this sort of thing - it makes it sound as if deciding to be a parent is something that should be done mindlessly and without consideration. Some of us put the net up first, then kept our eyes open when we leapt. Sadly, too many people don't... or they buy into the myth that you can't and find themselves financially incapable of providing for their kids or emotionally unready to be parents.

I also rather take exception to the fact that one can't be exceptional and be a parent. Fairly certain that many, many, many of histories greatest men and women were.

Much of the rationale seems to smack more of rationalization - folks who have either used parenthood as the excuse for not achieving their own dreams, or of pursuing dreams as an excuse for not having children.

There is NOTHING wrong with deciding that you don't wish to have children - it doesn't require a justification. Any more than deciding not to be a plumber requires justification. Not every life experience is for every person.

Many women have managed to achieve success without compromise. But usually, unfortunately, the people we have to fight the most fiercely are not men, but other women. Those who see our success as somehow threatening of the validity of their own choices - or their own rationalizations.

The trick in life is never to let another invalidate your choices.

Lucretia (aka GeekMommy)

Raising a child in a digital world, still a digital girl