BlogHer - balance - Comments

I know this post is old...

Pinktiara — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 15:00:11 -0500

I thought I was the only one who wanted to run away. I am brand new to this site, so I am looking for other women whose lives are as crazy as mine. I live in Columbia, SC, and I need someone to talk to about the things that women handle on a daily basis. Thanks, Ashley

Define what you want and go for it!

wishwaithopepray — Sat, 16 May 2009 18:51:05 -0500

This was a great post for me to read with less than 12 weeks until I bring my first child into the world. I'm actually looking forward to being a parent because it gives me an excuse to redefine myself. I want to be one of those people who is lots of things and have loads of slashes between them - but it seemed a bit rediculous to do that when it was just me. Now I'll have a child as an "excuse" I'm looking forward to redefining myself and my family.

I honestly believe I'll be a bigger success now than ever before, partially because the opportunity to redefine what I want is so refreshing and it lets me find new ways to do things. I agree that there's never a perfect time to add kids to your life (although I do believe you can wait for a 'better' time) but I also think if you've never ever considered how you're going to make it work, or better yet, what 'making it work' means to you then you're opening up a whole whack of struggle for yourself. I'm lucky that my husband and I have a very 50/50 relationship already so our intention is try and keep that balance - but I do aim for balance overall rather than an every single day thing!

Hope that makes sense!

Thanks!

Affair of the Heart — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:54:38 -0500

Thanks for the comment! =) I believe there is some encouragement from women to have a lingerer stick around. I'm guilty of having guyfriends to fill voids. I'm now in a serious relationship with someone, and I've dropped 98% of my guyfriends. There are one or two I talk to, but that's it. When you've found the real thing, you find that all of those voids you've been filling with other guy "friends" has been filled by that one person.

If you have any suggestions for other advice entries, let me know! I'll be sure to post another in tonight or tomorrow

*Love* Samantha

"Maybe Some Women Aren't Meant to be Tamed. Maybe They Need to Run Free Until They Find Someone Just As Wild to Run With" -- Sex and the City

Lingerers are Luggage

SocialiteDani — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:38:09 -0500

You are so right on every different type of "friend" a gal can have. I mean, the friends can be more complicated than the boyfriends sometimes. I, for one, don't think real-strictly platonic male friends exist. Like you said about the one's who check-in and then check-out, I can't respect that. I don't want some girl "friend" sitting in the shadows checking in on my beau. That would surely piss me off. I have three male "friends." One is my cousin, so he almost doesn't count except that he's my very best friend on the planet. My other great guy friend was my boyfriend in 9th grade. We've never had a sexual relationship, and now, we both know that romance is not in our cards. My last great guy friend is also my business partner in a music venture. He ALSO has two baby mamas, one being PSYCHO. So, yeah, he kicked himself out of the potentials category all on his own. Now, he treats me more like a kid sister and loves to remind me of my worth to one of the few deserving guys in the world. Any other "friend" of mine secretly wants to "do" me when my guy isn't looking or when I have my current status: Single Gal in the City.

Now lingerers - I blame us! We often allow guys to linger until we find something better to do. Simply, we have that "I don't know what to do with my hands" complex. Rather than accept being "alone" we allow a guy to be our kinda-sorta ex/ sorta-kinda boyfriend until we find some man to take us on another long, unnecessary ride. I learned that I had to engulf myself in movies, theatre, and Sex and the City JUST to avoid giving my ex permission to linger. Basically - they don't linger unless we allow it. And why do we want the guy around at all? Once it's over, it needs to be over. Now 'scuse me as I go and try to follow my own assvice. ;-)

Great blog, girly!

Socialite Dani's

Steph, I had no idea the underlying circumstances behind ...

Jory Des Jardins — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 15:48:36 -0500

... your Mommydom. I hear these stories often. And while I agree with GeekMommy that you DO have to plan parenthood, you could also OVERthink it too. Waiting for that place with the extra bedrood could be like waiting for Godot!

-J

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

the fabulous MizzJenny gave me the same advice

Stephanie ODea — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:20:15 -0500

and 3 mos later I was pregnant. And I was 24, with a husband in college, and we were living in a 1-bedroom apartment.

Life has a wonderful way of just working itself out.

I've done/been all 3 acronyms: sahm, wohm, and now wah. I work more now than I did when I was out of the house.

I'm certainly not one to talk you (or anyone) into anything, but you could most certainly adapt to a child or a bunch of children in your life. It's just a matter of deciding if you (and your husband) want to have that life experience. ANd if you don't? there is NO need to justify that decision to anyone.

and if you do decide? I will hold your hand. I promise. and I'll send you a crockpot. you'll need it. :-)

xoxo

steph

A Year of CrockPotting

Totally Together Journal

the fabulous MizzJenny gave me the same advice

Stephanie ODea — Wed, 01 Apr 2009 13:19:49 -0500

and 3 mos later I was pregnant. And I was 24, with a husband in college, and we were living in a 1-bedroom apartment.

Life has a wonderful way of just working itself out.

I've done/been all 3 acronyms: sahm, wohm, and now wah. I work more now than I did when I was out of the house.

and if you do decide? I will hold your hand. I promise. and I'll send you a crockpot. you'll need it. :-)

xoxo

steph

A Year of CrockPotting

Totally Together Journal

Worrisome

Zandria — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:53:30 -0500

I don't have kids, but I've seen more than one happily-working friend give up their job in exchange for motherhood. While some do it because they prefer to be at home with their kid, sometimes it's because their husband is paid more and the woman's salary barely covers the cost of quality childcare. I must admit that worries me. I'm certainly not an executive, and I can see myself (years down the road when/if I decide to have kids) having to make that choice about who should work and how to divide the responsibilities.

Personal blog: Zandria.us
BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness

Thanks Wilma!

Jory Des Jardins — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 11:45:40 -0500

One of the things I really appreciated about this book is their research into how kids do when their parents stick to careers. I was often told kids would suffer, and I'm sure in neglectful circumstances they would. But not because Mom went back to work full-time.

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

Sacrifice is the killer.

Wilma Ham — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 21:50:08 -0500

The real fear isn't the responsibility, it's the underlying sacrifice that has, time and again, come with the responsibility of children.

I am sure there are other ways to do parenting and working IF we can let go of the current so called right ways, our fear of doing it wrong and our need to make sacrifices to make things right and 'go to heaven'.
If only we could let go of the belief that as long as we sacrifice ourselves for our children we have done everything we can.
Sacrifice is the worst thing one can do.
Sacrifice is seen like a guarantee, a play it forward plee for forgiveness for everything we might do wrong and is of course totally hopeless and hypocritical.

Sacrifice is seldom a win/win and a guarantee and should be banned for life!

As a woman you don't have to sacrifice yourself for your children, although the children will try to get you to sacrifice yourself as does the whole world. Everybody will do its best to keep you in the mummy cage.

In my life I have chosen for myself and yes, there was little support and don't go there if you want to be popular or need acknowledgment.
My oldest can bring up stories about her bad mother but daughters do anyway, so I don't buy into those.
The youngest thinks I am great!

The only thing I can say is when you choose and I mean really choose your life, keep your stand.

Be clear that sacrifice is NOT a guarantee to good parenting and let nobody make you feel insecure about the path you have chosen.
Your children will always have something to moan about a mother/parent, if you stay at home you are not interesting enough, when you have a career and a nanny and a housekeeper you were not present enough blah blah blah.
NONSENSE, you choose your life and you live it. As long as you choose from YOUR heart and be clear, your life and that of your children will be beautiful!

Society has an invested interest to keep the order, it has its systems organized around it, and it suits everybody to keep women in sacrificing mode.
But as an individual you can choose if you are daring enough to go for innovative solutions and cope with the critique that will undoubtfully come your way.

For me the key was to keep unwaveringly believing in my right to choose and having the belief that my choices were alright.

Jory, keep questioning and you will find ways that will suit you and don't just think the ways you see around you are it.
And when you choose, stand behind your choice no matter what.

Wilma Ham

www.wilmasblog.com

GM--You just simplified that!

Jory Des Jardins — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 19:35:52 -0500

All this hemming and hawing--I should have just given you a call ;)

Good, good points.

Jory Des Jardins
writes on business and career topics at BlogHer, and on her personal blog Pause

Sounds like an interesting book...

GeekMommy — Mon, 30 Mar 2009 17:35:22 -0500

Sounds like an interesting book - one I'll have to put on my reading list at some point. But there are a couple of things I'd kind of like to refute here - at least from where I sit as a Mom.

If you wait for it, you will never have one. It's very much a 'leap now and find the net later' mentality

Really? So apparently my deciding to get to a certaion point in my own career, not have a child unless I was with someone else I'd been with for at least 3 years & expected to be with the rest of my life (or after having decided to go it solo) and to wait until I was financially capable was a pipedream. Except it wasn't. I did all of those things. I really hate hearing this sort of thing - it makes it sound as if deciding to be a parent is something that should be done mindlessly and without consideration. Some of us put the net up first, then kept our eyes open when we leapt. Sadly, too many people don't... or they buy into the myth that you can't and find themselves financially incapable of providing for their kids or emotionally unready to be parents.

I also rather take exception to the fact that one can't be exceptional and be a parent. Fairly certain that many, many, many of histories greatest men and women were.

Much of the rationale seems to smack more of rationalization - folks who have either used parenthood as the excuse for not achieving their own dreams, or of pursuing dreams as an excuse for not having children.

There is NOTHING wrong with deciding that you don't wish to have children - it doesn't require a justification. Any more than deciding not to be a plumber requires justification. Not every life experience is for every person.

Many women have managed to achieve success without compromise. But usually, unfortunately, the people we have to fight the most fiercely are not men, but other women. Those who see our success as somehow threatening of the validity of their own choices - or their own rationalizations.

The trick in life is never to let another invalidate your choices.

Lucretia (aka GeekMommy)

Raising a child in a digital world, still a digital girl

balance

Kerry Anne Ducey — Mon, 16 Mar 2009 09:17:51 -0500

Kerry Anne Ducey

I just wrote a post on the subject of balance "The Many Hats We Wear", I've been thinking a lot about this subject because I just never feel "in balance". After some thought and prayer, I think it is a state of mind and not a state of circumstance in life. Peace, that's balance.

Bradi Co-Founder MyWorkButter

jackdrew — Sat, 14 Mar 2009 16:55:24 -0500

Bradi

Co-Founder

MyWorkButterfly.com

Flapping my arms like crazy over here

Lisa Stone — Sat, 07 Mar 2009 08:59:00 -0600

Rita, I saved this piece in my bookmarks one month ago and have just gotten around to reading it. Now I'm laughing out loud that you linked me as someone who can have a career and children. This is why I got up at 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday to write a memo. Because I'm stretched to the max! I laughed until I almost cried when I read your line about best friends getting cats to replace off-balance girlfriends who disappear into their to-do lists.

It ain't easy, is it? I love what you, jenlouden and braingear have to say above. It's a constant act, doing what I need to do for work and not getting stretched to the breaking point (every time at least) by outside demands. I found it so cathartic to read all these comments. I think we have to just say it out loud...and then give ourselves permission to take one step at a time, just like Lovebabz says. WE have to decide what is valuable, what is the ultimate balancing act. It's different for everyone. And yet hard everywhere...

I will say this: Because I'm a parent, if I didn't have fantastic parents who live nearby who allowed me to travel for work, I absolutely could NOT do what I do. Indeed, I would choose not to. And I reexamine my choices weekly if not daily. Thank YOU for all the food for thought...

Lisa Stone
BlogHer Co-founder
Surfette

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