BlogHer - identity - Comments

Transparency...a point of view

SexyWhispers — Wed, 03 Dec 2008 03:04:47 -0600

Transparency can be a difficult issue. When I first visited with a group of women who read my blog, it was great to hear them continually say..."I loved it" or "this post inspired me." But, when people met me and could identify my favorite drink or quote words to me...it was alittle scary too! How much is too much? Its a matter of comfort level I think...with the realization that you might have to face your online self in a very public way.

I did get accustomed to questions about anal sex and such over dinner, but it takes lots of deep breaths to push down our natural urge to hide. And support....my best friend and my husband are completely aware of my disclosures. So, it is good to have a team on your side. ~~Dee

Personal Boundaries

missbritt — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 15:46:51 -0600

Ultimately, I think it's the same question online as it is off - what are your personal boundaries?

People usually perceive me as being very "open" and "transparent" - online and off - going so far as to say I am MORE open than most people. The truth is, my boundaries are just different than theirs.

I have no problem discussing the emotional upheavals in my life, my personal relationships, the oddities of sex that everyone experiences, etc. - but I don't discuss intimate details of my sex life with anyone.

Miss Britt

http://www.miss-britt.com

"Dignity is Overrated"

Added Value vs Unnecessary Disclosure

Bill Cammack — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 06:05:47 -0600

Teresa's a friend of mine, and I've met Audacia. Off the bat, the difference between the two of them is that Audacia's a "sex blogger" and Teresa is not. Bringing up sex or sexuality in the context of a "sex blog" is different from bringing it up in the context of a tech blog or whatever Teresa considers her site.

The next level of the question is that even if you're a sex blogger, how personal do you make your posts? My friends Rachel & Twanna enjoy bolstering the points they make in their articles with personal events or feelings about situations. They could just as easily get their points across with impersonal statements, but I'm sure their readers find their style of disclosure to be more endearing, and they're given credit for being as transparent as they are.

The way I write my dating blog, personal transparency isn't relevant. I like to discuss topics that occur all the time in relationships, except nobody wants to talk about them. Also, it wouldn't be helpful to anyone else for me to be transparent, because I'm a "natural". Women just like me, so I don't have to use all sorts of tricks and gimmicks to get on. My commentary and advice is aimed at the Average Joe and the problems HE has to deal with in his dating career. This is because it's that same Average Joe that's searching google for what he should do in this situation or what he should say.

I approach my BlogHer posting the same way. I try to give y'all an idea of the way that SOME guys are thinking so that you have more tools available to help you figure out what just happened to you and your relationship. The more you know, the less you'll be blindsided when something that's extremely obvious to me happens, and you can't figure it out. Again, transparency wouldn't add any value to my contributions here.

So, getting back to Teresa, she has to determine how much transparency adds value to her posts, how much is TMI and how much gives people an unneccessary view into her personal life and beliefs. What difference does "who she hangs out with" make? Who she's in pictures with? What her Facebook relationship status says? Whether she's dating anyone or not?

OTOH, you have bloggers, even right here in BlogHer, whose style and goal is SPECIFICALLY to bring you along inside their personal world and discuss the ups and downs of their dating lives. Obviously, transparency's paramount in this situation, or there would be no blog at all.

So, often, it's not so much an issue of hiding as "lack of value" in being transparent. If your blog's about teaching people to play music, what's the relevance of your dating life? Even if you blog about sex toys, what's your incentive to give PERSONAL reviews of the items? Ultimately, IRL, you're the one that's going to have to be comfortable with your selected level of disclosure.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

it's about control, and the lack thereof

Esther Kustanowitz — Tue, 02 Dec 2008 01:37:09 -0600

The less you give away, the more people want; and the less you give them, the more they can invent for themselves. After reading what anyone writes, people jump to conclusions about the author. After reading some of my columns, which focused on Jewish life and single people, some have thought I was an atheist, or a rabbi, and I am neither. But they read the piece, and read into something, creating their own version of me...

I agree that going slow and revealing what you're comfortable with is the key. For me, although I might delve into a political issue around sexuality or share something that I'm going through emotionally in esoteric terms, I really don't talk about the specifics of my personal life online. And I'm ok with that, because I think that there's room for both sharing and keeping some things for yourself, and between you and your partner. Once you involve the denizens of the WWW, you're letting other people dictate your relationship.

So the question is really, how much are you comfortable revealing? For me, the answer is revealed in a fact that I have to deal with: my parents read my blog. Nuff said.

Esther Kustanowitz
Writer and Consultant

MyUrbanKvetch.com
JDatersAnonymous.com
EstherK.com

It's bothersome how African

Msheridan98 — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 11:53:05 -0600

It's bothersome how African American women are often portrayed. I agree with Kimberly that companies need to actively reach out to us. I too went to the Disney Mixer and was encouraged that a large company with such a prominent brand would take the time to speak with us directly. It will be interesting to see what direction other companies take.

Melanie @ MelADramatic Mommy

An intriguing post, Terri

Nordette — Sat, 08 Nov 2008 01:21:24 -0600

And that's why I quoted and linked to it in The Interview Obama Regrets, but We Love.

Nordette is a Contributing Editor with BlogHer.com whose personal blog is hosted on another site at this link.

It's Great to be "Seen"

kdc521 — Fri, 07 Nov 2008 17:35:33 -0600

It will be interesting to see if marketers perception and representation of African-American moms change based on the President-elect's family.

I've been ecnouraged to see that several companies already see the wisdom of getting Black mom's input (i.e. recently I attended a Disney Mom Blogger Mixer for African American moms/ earlier this year I was able to participate in the BlogHer Business panel "We Don't Know What To Do With You", etc.). I'm eager to see more of this happening in the future.

-Kimberly/Mom in the City

I have a new favorite

SuetheGreat — Tue, 07 Oct 2008 13:16:17 -0500

Written by a totally naive 24 year old girl - all about her crush on her best friend:

http://mysuperhopelessromance.blogspot.com

It KILLS ME. I think we've all been there at one time or another, haven't we? I'm hooked.

Been there done that...

SAngel — Sat, 27 Sep 2008 22:37:08 -0500

Its the hardest thing in the world to send our little ones out into the world of the dreaded kindegarden....where they have been our own little preciouse ones for so many years, now they face the world and on thier own..

Children are so durable. They are stronger then we think. Somewhere in that class is another soul mate. Another best friend. there will be many.

As a mother of three, birracial, all of them I have beenin your shoes. Praying for them all at some time or the other to meet speical people so they don't travel the roads alone, and I have been answered every time. So shall you be. Now they are grown, they have had their slips and falls and continue to. But still they face life and go on.

We so worry about that, don't we?

Angel

Excellent picks, Susan. I

avflox — Wed, 24 Sep 2008 18:25:19 -0500

Excellent picks, Susan. I always look for your posts when I come on BlogHer and what you bring to the table never disappoints.

Laughing In Support - Pave Your Own Way

Gena Haskett — Thu, 14 Aug 2008 06:13:51 -0500

Hey, anyone that has read my post knows I can't do 300 words. One rare occasions maybe 450.

Prescriptive definitions of Blogging - Take 3 keywords and guarantee x number of visitors in the morning can be helpful but don't let it suck the life out of just writing.

Write/draw/photo or whatever. Mix with a little heart. Your blog will take form. Be organic and not mechanical in your blog and it will show its own identity.

It is cool no matter how you flow.

Gena - Out On The Stoop

Mommy clothes

rebellious thinker — Sun, 10 Aug 2008 12:14:26 -0500

My daughters joke about my mommy jeans. But as a woman in need of a make-over, I can say that sometimes I dress better than I feel, and a new mood does seem to simmer into me. While I am not suggesting that we need to dress for the set of Sex in the City, maybe we should present ourselves to our kids and the world with more than a downtrodden pair of sweats. My main goal, I guess, with clothes is that I want to give an indication of who I am to the world at large, and not just those who I have a chance to meet.

My suggestion: go shop. I think that the first post-mommy thing I bought was a colorful shirt; it made me feel different, in a good way.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

Husband says I need to take care of myself!

jenns1125 — Sat, 09 Aug 2008 10:06:42 -0500

My husband told me last night that he was going to personally buy me a new wardrobe because he can't stand the way I dress. He says I need to get dressed in the morning. I need to take care of myself. I deserve it.

That's really cool that the thinks that. It is just so hard for me to do. I have spent the better half of the last decade as a mom. I spend my days talking about the complexity of boogers. There's no need to get dolled up to be used as a human tissue.

He can see I'm losing my identity. That means others can see it to. I need to take more time for me. How? and When? I get excited when I can pee by myself. What would I do with an afternoon to myself?

My single mom girlfriends take time to themselves. They say they *have* to. They get their nails done or go out with friends. Then they tell me I should do that. At that point I roll my eyes and change the subject.

Maybe I should blog about this. What would I do with a few hours to myself? Would dressing better, heck just getting dressed, make me feel better? Why do I feel I need to be the end all be all for my children and husband? Hmmm....

OMG-This is what my entire blog is about!

ThankGodForMommy — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 19:06:05 -0500

After five children, (and now they are three teens and two toddlers), I had to MASTER this! Or is was going to run away to the hills of Spain. I am 35 years old and if I did not creativily, lovingly and artfully know how to balance husband and kids, and career (yes, i also am a filmmaker) I would not have made it.

I have dedicated a blog to this topic and sadly (but I have hope!) I am in the minority. Most topics are sites about commradery, and complaining through jokes, and all the hardships-but no one talking about how to be a powerful woman and mother in the world. Making a difference with our kids...ahhh! don't get me started. Anyhoo...

love this site, and if anyone wants to dare come visit-you'll find me here:

ThankGodForMommy Blog

Bobbi

www.ThankGodForMommy.com

1 mother+1 mother+1 mother=Many Mothers

rebellious thinker — Thu, 07 Aug 2008 18:33:24 -0500

The moral of the story or stories seems to be that we each have to go through this torment on our own. We each have to deal with balancing life as a woman, wife (?), and parent. But, in reality, it's not us individually--it's our society. We are all reflections of how our society is not dealing well with women--with the whole "I am woman hear me strong" idea. If it were, would we be agonizing over every minute we do or don't spend with our children; and would we need to feel that we are "stealing" time away, some mommy time?

If we still need to re-enact Kramer v. Kramer because there's just too much on our plates and not enough respect/help/breathing space, then there is a big picture problem here. And if marriages are split asunder because women still have the weight of the world on their shoulders, then there's more than a problem of time for napping and kayaking and martial arts.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com