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Breaking the Silence on Childhood Sexual Assault

Keith Smith — Thu, 28 May 2009 13:18:32 -0500

I was abducted, beaten and raped by a stranger. It wasn’t a neighbor, a coach, a relative, a family friend or teacher. It was a recidivist pedophile predator who spent time in prison for previous sex crimes; an animal hunting for victims in the quiet, bucolic, suburban neighborhoods of Lincoln, Rhode Island.

I was able to identify the guy and the car he was driving. Although he was arrested that night and indicted a few months later, he never went to trial. His trial never took place because he was brutally beaten to death in Providence before his court date. 34 years later, no one has ever been charged with the crime.

In the time between the night of my assault and the night he was murdered, I lived in fear. I was afraid he was still around town. Afraid he was looking for me. Afraid he would track me down and kill me. The fear didn’t go away when he was murdered. Although he was no longer a threat, the simple life and innocence of a 14-year-old boy was gone forever. Carefree childhood thoughts replaced with the unrelenting realization that my world wasn’t a safe place. My peace shattered by a horrific criminal act of sexual violence.

Over the past 34 years, I’ve been haunted by horrible, recurring memories of what he did to me. He visits me in my sleep. There have been dreams–nightmares actually–dozens of them, sweat inducing, yelling-in-my-sleep nightmares filled with images and emotions as real as they were when it actually happened. It doesn’t get easier over time. Long dead, he still visits me, silently sneaking up from out of nowhere when I least expect it. From the grave, he sits by my side on the couch every time the evening news reports a child abduction or sex crime. I don’t watch America’s Most Wanted or Law and Order SVU, because the stories are a catalyst, triggering long suppressed emotions, feelings, memories, fear and horror. Real life horror stories rip painful suppressed memories out from where they hide, from that recessed place in my brain that stores dark, dangerous, horrible memories. It happened when William Bonin confessed to abducting, raping and murdering 14 boys in California; when Jesse Timmendequas raped and murdered Megan Kanka in New Jersey; when Ben Ownby, missing for four days, and Shawn Hornbeck, missing for four years, were recovered in Missouri.

Despite what happened that night and the constant reminders that continue to haunt me years later, I wouldn’t change what happened. The animal that attacked me was a serial predator, a violent pedophile trolling my neighborhood in Lincoln, Rhode Island looking for young boys. He beat me, raped me, and I stayed alive. I lived to see him arrested, indicted and murdered. It might not have turned out this way if he had grabbed one of my friends or another kid from my neighborhood. Perhaps he’d still be alive. Perhaps there would be dozens of more victims and perhaps he would have progressed to the point of silencing his victims by murdering them.

Out of fear, shame and guilt, I’ve been silent for over three decades, not sharing with anyone the story of what happened to me. No more. The silence has to end. The fear, the shame, the guilt have to go. It’s time to stop keeping this secret from the people closest to me, people I care about, people I love, my long-time friends and my family. It’s time to speak out to raise public awareness of male sexual assault, to let other victims know that they’re not alone and to help victims of rape and violent crime understand that the emotion, fear and memories that may still haunt them are not uncommon to those of us who have shared a similar experience.

For those who suffer in silence, I hope my story brings some strength, comfort, peace and hope.

My novel, Men in My Town, is based on these actual events.

Men in My Town is available now at Amazon.com

Made me tear up.

prbylisa — Mon, 27 Apr 2009 15:01:24 -0500

PR by Lisa

www.insidelisa.blogspot.com

My son isn't autistic, although the school is still questioning his dr's on the Asperbergers thing, but he is severly ADHD And bipolar and I relate so heavily to fighting every step of the way for him. Your post made me tear up. I've written several (maybe more than several ;)) times on the fight we undergo. Thanks for speaking out.

Thank you for sharing your story

AmberS — Sat, 25 Apr 2009 23:16:39 -0500

I'm really getting a lot out of reading your posts. Thank you for educating us, and sharing your passionate love for your son. I am not the mom of a special needs child (that I know of - my youngest is only 8 months), but I have a close friend on the Autism Spectrum. I recognize some of the struggles she's faced in your words.

I really just wanted to let you know that I'm reading and I feel like I'm learning a lot. Thank you.

~ Amber

www.strocel.com

Thank you

adelpat — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 06:56:49 -0500

Thank you for letting me know about that story. It was so much like my son and what he goes through. It is great when IEP's go well! Being aware of your rights and advocating for them helps tremendously.

Fortunate

Shannon Des Roches Rosa — Fri, 24 Apr 2009 01:18:23 -0500

@adelpat: You might appreciate a story from the Can I Sit With You? project, about a young girl advocating for her older brother with Williams syndrome: http://www.canisitwithyou.org/?p=41. Regardless, thank you for coming by.

@dodi, @amber, @lakemann, I am grateful that you're willing to read and listen.

I am not discounting that it often takes good fortune on top of hard work to succeed in getting our kids what they need. Like today, when Leo's IEP was a slam dunk due to the dedication, thorough evaluations, and non-coerced consensue of his 8-person education team. We got everything approved!

Informed & Inspired

lakemann — Thu, 23 Apr 2009 13:43:15 -0500

Wow. Your insights are helping on so many levels. Thanks for the reality check of what you do on a daily basis to advocate for your child, and for sharing that determination.

declaration

Midodi — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 22:57:17 -0500

Horray! Well spoken. I am inspired to write my own declaration, not only for my special needs daughter, but my other 2 as well. Dodi

A Declaration of Fierce Mama Bear Love

adelpat — Wed, 22 Apr 2009 09:06:40 -0500

I agree with you as a retired teacher and as a mother of a child with Williams Syndrome. I wish more families with special needs children would understand as much as you. Beautifully written. Bravo!

this sounds like a big step.

kazari — Mon, 01 Sep 2008 19:41:38 -0500

Good work : )

In Appreciation

Amy Tenderich — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 15:15:10 -0600

Eden,

All I can say is Thank You for sharing your perspective and your strength with us!

I've never experienced anything like what you've been through, but making peace with chronic illness hasn't always been easy for me. I often feel angry. And May 21st never goes by unnoticed.

Bless you,

AmyT
www.diabetesmine.com

It is so courageous and

Jessica Ashley — Fri, 08 Feb 2008 14:55:13 -0600

It is so courageous and wonderful that you've shared your story. I too have a Survive-iversary, as does my brother for a very different life-changing experience. Despite the different stories we've lived, we've supported each other through the trauma and the recovery and each year, we honor the other's day. I place flowers on the altar at our church in celebration of his life and he simply calls to tell me how strong I am. It has made that day for me connecting instead of disconnecting and helped me to see my life on a continuum rather than defined by one lousy day. The power, I think, comes in CHOOSING a ritual of some sort to reclaim the power or the quiet or the serenity or the calm or the laughter or whatever it is you need most.

I wrote about my brother's Survive-iversary here. In turn, I will definitely check back here on all these rich comments and on your site. Take good care.

http://sassafrass.typepad.com/sassafrass/2007/07/survive-iversar.html

Oh me. Oh my. Oh mama. Link TextSassafrass

Helpful, Healing Tips!

Marj aka Thriver — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 11:23:01 -0600

Thank you, Eden, for this wonderful post! And thank you, Lisa, for putting it up as a breaking news link.

As I see from the comments here, there are many traumatic anniversaries that can be problematic. There are many definitions of "Survivor." I, myself, founded and maintain THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE. I hope you will consider submitting this post to one of our monthly editions. The February theme is love and your list has many great ideas for survivor self-love and self-care. See my blog for carnival deadlines and details.

You may also consider (if you haven't already done so) submitting this to the Abyss2Hope Blog Carnival Against Sexual Violence. I know a lot of these survivor-readers would find your ideas helpful as well.

Healing Blessings to All!

www.survivorscanthrive.com
http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com
JOIN US FOR THE BLOG CARNIVAL AGAINST CHILD ABUSE!

Great Topic! March 18, 2006 The Day My Life Changed Forever

cheryl klein — Thu, 07 Feb 2008 06:48:25 -0600

On March 18th 2006 ear[y Saturday morning.when I got the news my mother passed away in her sleep during the night. I feel so bad she died alone and will never know if she passed quietly in her sleep or if she was terrified knowing she was going to die all alone.. This thought has been with me almost 2 years. I feel quilty I wasn't there. I know it wasn't my fault and there was nothing I could have done but just not being able to say goodbye or be there at the time she needed me most still is always on my mind.
Losing a mother and also suddenly becoming a adult orphan , my dad passed in 2000 ,has changed my life forever.. My biggest change was becoming a "Adult" at 39 years old, mommy was gone , my life was all my own now and I wasn't anyone's baby anymore but I was a mother with two daughters already yet I never felt the true meaning of what a mother meant until my own mother died. I was her legacy, my children one day will have to face my death as well . I was a mess mentally almost to the point of getting in patient help. Help was all around me but I wasn't ready to listen, I just wanted my mother back. Through professional help I learned my mom is still with me I will carry ny memories and love for her in my heart forever.and I see her everyday when I look at my 6 year old daughter who looks more and more like her each day and I learned that I have 2 sisters and a brother who love me and are there for me yet I never felt they were til my mother died and I feel so blessed they helped me get through my pain and major depression and as a result we have become so much closer than we ever had before. My mother always said your family is the most important thing you will ever have and she is right. I know March 18th is approaching marking 2 years she has been gone. I know she is smiling down knowing our lives have finally move on. I will never know the details what happened when she passed but it isn't really important and though I still get that "chill" thinking about it, I now believe so thing are better off not knowing and I think of how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mother and know I was loved.
cheryl klein

Thank you - my date is next week :(

ozarkslady — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 22:14:41 -0600

I struggle each year with the fact that what should have been the most joyous day in my life was also the date that nearly appeared on my tombstone. And each year the conflicted feelings only grow - the joy and gratitude for such a wonderful day get sweeter, and the traumatic memories of fear and pain come flooding back. No one else around me understands this paradox.

I will try to heed your words this time around. It's only a few days away now. Thank you for sharing.

I just purposely forget. :(

Shannon Nelson — Wed, 06 Feb 2008 18:28:45 -0600

I had a miscarriage on January 10, 2006. It was traumatic--especially when they put her (I believe it was a her) in a clear cup near my head--only for me to see this teenie tiny face. I was 12 weeks along. They forgot about her, they forgot about me. They asked, "What are you crying for?" I completely block that day out of my memory every January 10th. I honest to God purposely make myself forget when that day comes. But everyday before and everyday after, I remember. And it breaks my heart.

~Shannon

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