BlogHer - respect - Comments

What is Gay? What is Straight?

goddessdreams — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 21:58:14 -0500

I think it is a mark of the Western world view that any man who displays behavior associated with femaleness or femininity is gay. As women we tend to echo this sentiment when we list characteristics in men that we want or disdain, i.e. enjoying romance movies, shopping, deeply engaged conversation, and most especially that spiritual connection that is associated with what all women want.

These traits are not inherantly feminine. I try to remember that femininity is a social construct as is masculinity--powerful social constructs to be sure. I try to open my eyes to that fact I can choose to embrace the pieces of the constructs that apply to who I am at my core and let go of what does not make me...me. Men are as entitled to this level of self examination and awareness as women.

I think that many of these culture commentaries in the popular media vehicles like Esquire serve to uphold the heternormative discourse that plagues our ability to be who we are without attaching the expectations of a culture's definition of masculine and feminine.

I also agree that the desire to be known and embraced in totality is at the heart of what drives the so-called "love affair" with vampires.

Don’t mind the destination, don’t mind the end. Learn from the past, but grab hold of now. Now is always evolving. ~Rumi

It's the desire to be fully known as you've said

Nordette — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 15:50:02 -0500

When vampires drink your blood, in most vampire lore, they then know everything about you--they hold within them your memories, dreams, desires--it goes back to the biblical belief that "life is in the blood," a belief that I'm sure is older than the Bible considering drinking blood or even eating another human's flesh was associated with gaining the person's power and wisdom before the Bible came to be. And so, this desire for intense communion with another, even God, is the driver.

I think women want that spiritual connection with lovers, to know them and to be fully known. Going back to biblical allusions again, to have sex is described as not only becoming one with a person but also with "knowing" the person. (And Adam knew Eve his wife.)

The Esquire guy may be straight, but I don't think that's what's stopping him from getting this. I think he doesn't understand deeper human relations and he may also be so consumed with popular culture that he's ignoring the deeper themes, the archetypes that have remained in human literature since humans started storytelling.

This kind of transcendent love is the stuff of most of our love songs, love poetry, and many of our legends. The belief that "to love and be loved in return" is an enduring need may even be at the crux of our quest for the meaning of life. It is not something confined to the venue of romantic love but seeps into tales of all types of love. Perhaps it manifests so frequently in fictionalized forms because it's hard to come by this transcendent love and nearly unconditional loyalty in the real world.
Just listen to the story told in the song "Nature Boy."

So, I think you're on the mark here, AV, that Esquire man is off his game with the gay angle.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Dangerous and Tortured

Megan Smith — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 11:44:24 -0500

I'm with Melissa when she says it's about dangerous men, not gay men. I'd also add tortured men. What woman doesn't want to "save" a tortured vampire male whose immortality only increases his opportunities for loss and lonliness?

Give me brooding, dangerous and tortured vampires every time. Yum.

Great post!

Megan
BlogHer Contributing Editor, TV/Online Video

My Personal Entertainment Blog: Megan's Minute

My Review Blog: Meg's Rad Reviews

Twitter:@MeganSmith

Uh, No

MLOKnitting — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 23:53:53 -0500

As someone who reads a lot of adult vampire fiction - and read the Sookie books when they were first out - these vampires are in no way about gay men. As a matter of fact, many of the most popular stories are about really rugged and dangerous vampire men. I don't think this guy has clue one about what it is about.

My theory? The dangerous guy theory. All of us have had the dangerous guy fantasy from time to time.

MLO / Melissa

Books, Movies, Games, Ovarian Cancer, and Life in General at http://www.mloknitting.com/

This is an AMAZING article!

Semper — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 22:53:57 -0500

This is an AMAZING article! So well put and insightful even beyond its direct response to Marche. I'm not even into this whole vampire business, and I connected to everything you said. This is something that will stick with me for a while.

stupid Esquire

wineplz — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 11:45:13 -0500

that author has NO clue about women at all. He's comparing apples to bananas.

I think you summed it up best with "but that we desire someone with whom to go to the place where our deepest unexplored desires hide. We want someone who is not only accepting and able to undertake the exploration of these with us masterfully, but who becomes so invested in the moment that even if our desire is still new and frightening to us, he is not turned off by it or by us, but is, in every sense, consumed by it—and the act of being with us. So consumed, in fact, that he might lose all control."

I don't know a single woman, personally, who wouldn't want a little more courting, respect, and devotion from her man, and to be cherished and appreciated. These things are evident in at least the Twilight book series (I've not watched True Blood), which explains their popularity. This Marche twit could stand to actually READ the series--he might get some good tips on how to treat the next woman he dates (if he's married, I feel bad for his wife).

Animals are amazing teachers

consciouscat — Sun, 06 Sep 2009 05:42:43 -0500

What a beautiful post! I've always believed that animals come into our lives to teach us. First and foremost, they teach us about unconditional love. But they also teach us to stretch and grow, to reach beyond our self-imposed limits, and to expand our consciousness. They take us to places we did not think were possible for us to go. I've been fortunate to have a number of these animals in my life.

One in particular, a small tortoiseshell cat named Buckley, was one of the most amazing spiritual teachers I ever had, to the point where I felt compelled to write a book about her. "Buckley's Story - Lessons from a Feline Master Teacher" is a story about the important role animals play in our lives by teaching us how to open our hearts and live a joyful life.

Your blog post perfectly captured the many ways in which animals enrich our spirits and our lives!

For more information about "Buckley's Story", please visit my website at http://consciouscat.net/buckleys-story/

I love my angel animals

christinajeanne — Sat, 16 May 2009 15:52:51 -0500

I've always thought my animals where angels. I remeber crying one time and my cat who has since passed away came up and put her paw on my face. It was so sweet! I have the sweetest cat's right now who cheer me up everyday.

Have a good Easter!!

KLinnea — Fri, 10 Apr 2009 05:23:41 -0500

Sofie the Hamster and I wish you a good Easter holliday.

http://linneadiary.blogspot.com/

thanks for your kind words

Mata H — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:31:23 -0500

I didn't know about the happy fate of those dogs. I am so glad they are finding love and peace.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

The Vicktory Dogs - another example of spiritual teachers

LaurelH — Tue, 07 Apr 2009 19:14:10 -0500

I loved this post! Another example is the pit bulls formerly owned by Michael Vick, who were transferred to the care of Best Friends Animal Society and are thriving in spite of the terrible past they endured. May they know nothing but love and kindness for the rest of their days.

Laurel Hunt, celebrating the love of dogs at www.laurelhuntbooks.com

Thanks!

Affair of the Heart — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 17:54:38 -0500

Thanks for the comment! =) I believe there is some encouragement from women to have a lingerer stick around. I'm guilty of having guyfriends to fill voids. I'm now in a serious relationship with someone, and I've dropped 98% of my guyfriends. There are one or two I talk to, but that's it. When you've found the real thing, you find that all of those voids you've been filling with other guy "friends" has been filled by that one person.

If you have any suggestions for other advice entries, let me know! I'll be sure to post another in tonight or tomorrow

*Love* Samantha

"Maybe Some Women Aren't Meant to be Tamed. Maybe They Need to Run Free Until They Find Someone Just As Wild to Run With" -- Sex and the City

Lingerers are Luggage

SocialiteDani — Sun, 05 Apr 2009 16:38:09 -0500

You are so right on every different type of "friend" a gal can have. I mean, the friends can be more complicated than the boyfriends sometimes. I, for one, don't think real-strictly platonic male friends exist. Like you said about the one's who check-in and then check-out, I can't respect that. I don't want some girl "friend" sitting in the shadows checking in on my beau. That would surely piss me off. I have three male "friends." One is my cousin, so he almost doesn't count except that he's my very best friend on the planet. My other great guy friend was my boyfriend in 9th grade. We've never had a sexual relationship, and now, we both know that romance is not in our cards. My last great guy friend is also my business partner in a music venture. He ALSO has two baby mamas, one being PSYCHO. So, yeah, he kicked himself out of the potentials category all on his own. Now, he treats me more like a kid sister and loves to remind me of my worth to one of the few deserving guys in the world. Any other "friend" of mine secretly wants to "do" me when my guy isn't looking or when I have my current status: Single Gal in the City.

Now lingerers - I blame us! We often allow guys to linger until we find something better to do. Simply, we have that "I don't know what to do with my hands" complex. Rather than accept being "alone" we allow a guy to be our kinda-sorta ex/ sorta-kinda boyfriend until we find some man to take us on another long, unnecessary ride. I learned that I had to engulf myself in movies, theatre, and Sex and the City JUST to avoid giving my ex permission to linger. Basically - they don't linger unless we allow it. And why do we want the guy around at all? Once it's over, it needs to be over. Now 'scuse me as I go and try to follow my own assvice. ;-)

Great blog, girly!

Socialite Dani's

thanks, wilma

Mata H — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 18:28:03 -0500

We are a good match for our pets, and they for us -- the yin and yang of teaching and learning...and then switching roles. The balance is beautiful.

~~ Contributing Editor, Mata H. also blogs right along at Time's Fool

Meaning making mind is missing

Wilma Ham — Tue, 31 Mar 2009 17:11:43 -0500

I too love this post. Pets are such great teachers and they definitely show what is possible when the heart is the master and NOT the mind.
I once read that when the mind becomes the master of the heart we will enter a world of less competition, no judgment and more love.
It is easy to see what that means when you read your post :)

Wilma Ham