BlogHer - Infertility - Comments

Getting the vaccine, getting

Melissa Ford — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:31:41 -0600

Getting the vaccine, getting the vaccine! You certainly don't want to get them H1N1 :-)

It's really a hard call if you can get your hands on the vaccine.

Venting about infertility since 2006 www.stirrup-queens.com and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Very interesting post. Im

RockerByeBaby — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 12:29:58 -0600

Very interesting post. Im debating back and forth about getting H1N1 for my boys... still with no final decision :( I love reading others perspectives.

Love, Amber Zrust RockerByeBaby www.RockerByeBaby.com

Blogging Infertility

mekap04 — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:42:49 -0600

It's great to read blogs about infertility journeys because you can also learn a lot about the issues faced battling infertility and you can also get encouragement and also contribute your encouragement and advice to others among the same issue, infertility.

http://gettingpregnantquickly.blogspot.com

Something that I've thought about

Karen-MEG — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:03:19 -0600

You know, when my doctor asked me why I was so, so driven to have a second child even after we were lucky enough with baby #1 (years of infertility issues), my first reason was that I thought it would be good for my son to have a sibling, and on a related note, that when my husband and I got old and decrepit, we wanted my boy to have someone to share the "burden" with. "So you want another baby so that they will take care of you?" is what my doctor asked (yeah, she's blunt that way, and of course it implied that I was selfish).

But is it really selfish, or just practical? My grandmother lived in a home and she had her grandkids (well, me and my sister) involved in setting that up; my in-laws were both in longer term care facilities and my husband and his siblings all did their part to make the arrangements happen and visit regularly etc. When my Dad was gravely ill my siblings and I rallied around my mom and took turns at the hospital to relieve or at least be there for both Mom and Dad.

So I do indeed understand this post, entirely.

K-MEG

that's what I meant to say

polchic — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 08:18:32 -0500

D*mn Mel, you nailed it. Thank you for taking the discussion to the next level.

Gabrielle

www.themaybebaby.com

Obsession? What?

micrimas — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 09:45:18 -0500

Mel you made excellent points here.

My sons were born at 36 2 weeks and did not stay in the NICU. We were very lucky for that.

I can tell you two things: "why don't you just adopt" sickens me. It basically costs the same to adopt (excepting DSS adoptions) as it does surrogacy and infertility treatments, especially in the Northeast, where it is nearly impossible to domestically adopt. There are literally no infants available. Second: Using the word "obsessed" with regard to family building sickens me. At no time, would my DH or I do "anything it took" to create a family. We tried various routes. We never coerced nor begged our surrogate to take the fertility meds that created our twins after many rounds of unsuccessful clinical IUIs. Our RE was ethical. My sons are a blessing. We would have NEVER done anything unethical at all in regards to building our family.

We would have accepted, had our surrogate not concieved, and tried to live with it. We would, had we resorted to IVF with her eggs (which was the next step had we not been successful with the IUIs finally) have only transferred two embryos.

I am an identical twin. I was born 2 months early and weighed 4 lbs at birth. I was in an incubator for a month before I was released into my mother's arms. My twin went home after a week. We were born in the 60s. Now a 4 pounder is considered a heavyweight and usually goes home if there is no NICU stay.

I have had no residual issues stemming from my premature birth, at all. I was a good student and my health was really excellent, except for my reproductive system. I never missed a day of school, my entire elementary school years. As I grew older and started having issues w/my repro system (cysts and all), I missed school in High School but you can't blame prematurity on that.

Ugh. Obsessed. That word, coupled with infertility -- implies unethical behavior that really isn't the reality for those of us who are infertile. That article bothered me terribly. Glad you wrote this.

Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo

http://micrimas.blogspot.com

Oh no, rant away. The

Melissa Ford — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:58:50 -0500

Oh no, rant away. The articles, after all, made me twitch. Especially the idea that we're all just willing to take any risk in the world (for ourselves and for the children) just because we're obsessed.

Venting about infertility since 2006 www.stirrup-queens.com and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

I missed the accompanying

Melissa Ford — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:57:02 -0500

I missed the accompanying picture. The term fertility industry conjured up something sinister. And as you say, there are some clinics and doctors who fit this description, but it can't be a blanket term used to cover every clinic and doctor.

Venting about infertility since 2006 www.stirrup-queens.com and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

Three cheers to that

Melissa Ford — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 21:55:26 -0500

It's such a dangerous message especially with the stress and blame it places on the woman, but it also presents a false idea to the greater world. We can't eradicate prematurity because we're talking about an umbrella term addressing a host of situations--some treatable and some not.

Venting about infertility since 2006 www.stirrup-queens.com and we're not talkin' cowgirls...

I agree

SoDear — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 12:43:23 -0500

I read the first article in the series about two days before my second IUI upon starting treatments again after loss. It put me in a terrible state of mind (or rather, it didn't help, as I was already struggling). I *hated* this article, I think my favorite line was "couples become obsessed..." like we walk around bug-eyed, about to steal a baby -- any baby, or embryo -- just so we have the chance to be parents.

Something I recall about my twin pregnancy (and loss) was that no doctor *really* emphasized how high risk my situation really was. Oh, you have to be careful. The nausea will be bad. You have to go on pelvic rest at 24 weeks, you will probably deliver a few weeks early. Three or four days before my loss, my OB was prepared to let me fly 1000 miles to attend a funeral. If someone, anyone had said to me, "Listen, this is serious," I would probably have had a much different experience overall, loss or not. Women (and couples) are casual about twins because we are led to believe they are common and safe pregnancies. The implication in this article that women are careless in pursuit of family making is insulting. The popular belief that you can always have a child, don't worry about waiting contributes to this, as does the popular notion that if you can't get pregnant on your own, it must be because you don't want it, or you are just not meant to be a mother.

I chose not to read the comments, too. It's really upsetting that such a highly esteemed publication like the NY Times can't be bothered to get the information right -- or pretends to be "objective" (whatever that is), when it clearly is not.

Sorry to rant. Feeling like this is everywhere right now.

Thanks for writing this. As always, you rock, Mel.

Sue

http://sodearandyetsofar.blogspot.com

On the Inside

Romancing_the_stone — Fri, 16 Oct 2009 11:20:56 -0500

Melissa,

Thank you for this beautiful review of a very disturbing article. I can't begin to tell you how I feel when I picked up my Sunday NYT to see the photo of two sanguine babies so small, they fit in sand buckets (They were actually placed in these buckets for their photo!). The paper lay on my kitchen table for 3 days before I willed myself to read it. My husband and I are taking a month break from IVF after two consecutive miscarriages. What bothered me about the article was that it truly felt as if it was scribed by someone on the "outside" of this experience. For those of us on this journey, it pains me to see such indifference and lack of opposing viewpoints in such a front page article. Saul makes it appear as if every Doctor and clinic's focus lies solely on churning out babies and ensuring the success of their practice. She insinuates that reputable clinics avoid proper protocall and compromise the safety of their patients in order to "meet numbers" and draw new clients to their practice. While this may be the case in some clinics, I think it is a broad, sweeping exaggeration to say that is the motivating factor of every RE.

In my experiences with IUI and IVF, I have never encountered such pressure, or lack of regard for my overall well being.

I wish the article would have offered a more balanced perspective and Saul would have interviewed others in the Medical profession who's purpose and attitude differed from her own.

Thank you so much for your perspective, and for letting me share mine.

Michele

http://romancingthestone.wordpress.com

http://veggievixen.wordpress.com

From the mom of a 27 weeker

Cassandra — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 12:27:39 -0500

I come at this from a slightly different perspective; my focus is primarily on the prematurity angle as opposed to the fertility treatment angle. After a myomectomy (surgery to remove fibroids), our RE gave us a year to try to conceive before we'd start IUIs. A month before we would have started treatment, I did conceive. Our daughter was born 13 weeks premature b/c of an infection (chorioamniitis).

What strikes me about the NYT pieces (I've only read the first one so far; that was disturbing enough) and other pieces I've read is that prematurity is always the mother's (or parents') fault. Couples get "obsessed" (quote from Saul's first piece--how offensive!!!!!) and irresponsibily pursue treatments, willy-nilly knocking themselves up, having litters. Women don't get proper prenatal care and that's what causes prematurity. Women don't take care of themselves. Women are uneducated. Even the March of Dimes, which purports to be an advocate for all women and babies plays the blame game. All media points to premature as either a mystery or something the woman did wrong, and it makes me crazy.

What about the women with pre-eclampsia? HELLP? Chorioamniitis? If these were addressed, if fertility problems were addressed instead of minimized, instead of being sources of scorn and blame, prematurity would NOT be the problem that it is. But as usual, people want to blame the woman.

Patience is a virtue that takes too long

The pictures were ghastly....

micrimas — Wed, 07 Oct 2009 14:38:17 -0500

As a proud mother via traditional surrogacy (as opposed to the author's gestational surrogacy)... I was REALLY offended by this article, the tone and the photos.

It seemed set up like an "us vs. them" "baby selling" article. Here is the surrogate, barefoot on her badly needing to be painted front porch, and pregnant. Did anyone else notice this?

Then there was the well dressed intended mother, standing in front of the opulent home with maid standing at the ready. Or nanny.

It bothers me because my twins were born in 2008. I have been immersed in the adoption/surrogacy world for a long time. I know many surrogates, both traditional (rare) and gestational. Believe me, the majority of them are in the health care profession. They have decent jobs and are educated.

I don't look at my surrogate as a means to an end the way this woman seems to see her surrogate. I look at her as a woman, not a body, and her family... they made great sacrifices, especially her husband, on behalf of my husband and myself, to become parents, after the loss of 3 children. 2 of my own, resulting in my total infertility down to losing EVERYTHING, and one adoptive son who died at birth.

It is articles like this that really take my breath away. The more "us vs. them" articles that paint the intended parents as wealthy "buying a baby" from a less advantaged, less educated woman... the more of a stigma surrogacy will carry, whether by traditional or gestational means.

I can tell you that when I was my former surrogate's age, I was in the same place and space as her, as was my DH. Most intended parents are older and have more means and education simply because we are older and have homes and savings. Most surrogates are youngish and just starting out in life, with education and buying homes, and the prerequisite for most is proven fertility, so they are also not only carrying mortgages, they are supporting their families and working, besides being pregnant for a couple.

All I can say about this article is UGH. My sons know many surrogates and their families, as well as former intended parents, via egg donor, traditional surrogacy, gestational surrogacy, sperm donor... as well as families built via adoption through international, domestic, and DSS fost/adopt. They also know "traditionally built" families. I think we all share the same parental ideals, which is to try and raise our children to live good, productive and healthy lives, to give back to others in this world and also, to respect one another, irregardless of how someone comes into this world.

Half of a Duo, Raising a Duo

http://micrimas.blogspot.com

Thanks Melissa

Lisa Stone — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 17:21:00 -0500

I've also thanked Shannon and LainaD for their posts on this topic. It's a heart-breaker.

Lisa Stone BlogHer Co-founder Surfette BlogHer is non-partisan but our bloggers aren't! Follow our coverage of Politics & News.

Not gray

PunditMom — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 14:27:31 -0500

I'm sorry -- as a mom by adoption, I see no gray area in this. I, too, question why she wrote this story. But imagine the outrage if the story changed by one fact -- if it was her bio son she had "given up?" Regardless of how our children come to us, they are our children. Period. Even biological children have attachment issues. And as a mom who has worked on attachment issues for a very long time, I know that the number of months she tried was a drop in the bucket. Lisa Belkin's follow-up post referred to "The Mother Who Gave Back Her Adopted Son." It should really have read "The Mother Who Gave Back Her Son." I see 99.9% of the world in gray. For me, this one is black and white. PunditMom aka Joanne Bamberger BlogHer News & Politics Contributing Editor