BlogHer - bullying - Comments

It gets more difficult!

Beverly Flaxington — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:48:06 -0600

Once they start texting, IMing and going online, it gets so much more difficult to oversee and manage. My 13 year old daughter has received threatening messages from "friends" and I've seen many situations where other children (girls especially) have to deal with the cyber-bullying. It's hard to go to school and not even know who is out to get you! And, of course, it is easy to punish someone when all you have to do is press "Send". On the note of younger children, the counselor at my youngest daughter's school last year (in Kindergarten) told me she was having to start younger and younger to teach them to be kind to one another. She said the bullying and gossiping used to start in 4th or 5th grade, but now it is the littlest children.

What did I do? In both cases, all I can do is try and explain to my kids that bullies are looking for attention. I try and teach them that "kill with kindness" is generally the best approach. Do they listen? Who knows!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets

I was taught

raisedqueer — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:42:36 -0500

I was taught that I had the right to defend myself. Never start a fight, but don't back down. Or run like hell. Whatever was right for the situation.

I tried to teach my kids the same. My childrens' school had a no tolerance policy. It didn't matter who started it, if there was a fight everyone involved was suspended. Doesn't seem fair, but that's the policy. Thank goodness your school district can decide on the individual case.

Fortunately my kids never had a physical altercation. My daughter was, however, bullied by one girl in particular in 9th grade. She was always in her face...spreading rumors...calling. I called the school, called the girl on her behavior and even called the parents. I was lucky that my daughter was always open with me and didn't mind that I intervened. The bully finally let up. She grew weary, I guess. Moved on to another. I just remember how angry I was that her parents didn't have better control and seemed disinterested. Frustrating!

http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com

What my mother told me...

SJoy — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:14:26 -0500

Love this post. It made me think of what my mother used to tell me growing up:

"If someone hits you, you look them in the eye and tell them not to hit you again. If they hit you again, you hit him back as hard as you possibly can."

I never really had to do this (thankfully), but it's something I've never forgotten.

Blogging as S. Joy @ www.fitandinspiredliving.com.

I just read

mashadutoit — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:20:14 -0500

I just read an article in our newspaper about a schoolboy at a school near here. He had thrown a cup of hot coffee at another boy, and scalded him badly enough that he had to have the burns treated in hospital. Turns out, though, that the coffee throwing boy had been badly bullied for months by the scalded boy and his friends.

I think we dont acknowledge the animal nature of humans enough. People just are not that rational. People will often push and push and only stop if the alternative is pain or humiliation. I had a student who gave me trouble for ages. Always back chatting, making a noise, and so on. Until the day I caught him cheating in a test. For a while he knew, and I knew that I had the power to get him in some severe trouble. After letting him stew for a while, and an "official visit" to the principal, I let him off with a "will you ever do something that stupid again" but after that, he was all friendlyness to me.

So I think it has less to do with violence, than in demonstrating clearly that you are in control. Which, unfortunately, is really easy to do with violence. Especially if you are a child and have no other way to gain power.

"Violence never solves anything" is clearly false - and that is the challenge. How can one take responsibility for your own potential to exert force? You might say "there is always a better way." But is there really? Is all violence equally reprehensible, or is a swift slap to quell a bully actually a good thing?

Words can do so much harm. Why do we focus so much on physical violence alone?

Shudder

camisa — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:47:19 -0500

I have a son who just turned 6 last week. He's such a soft and sweet kid that I am truly scared of what will happen should he attract the attention of a bully (or should a friendship go awry). I give you and your son a whole lot of credit. Thank you for posting this.

Where is Your Mother?

n2ative1 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:50:32 -0500

As the mother of two gay sons, now grown, I have to say I don’t know if they were ever bullied for that, I plan to discuss this with them and find out. I do know they were ridiculed for being smart among other unfashionable traits. As a mom, I wanted them to see their strengths rather than protect them because they were weak. I think this is the major disconnect between old school parents and people raising kids today. Nordette, the phrase you used, “…old school ugly with new school savagery,” really sums it up. Our children have been desensitized by electronic baby sitters while mom and dad worked to afford more cool toys.

When my oldest came to me saying that he was being ridiculed for being smart and questioning if his intellect was a good thing, I explained that the bully was only doing it to make himself feel better about being dumb. He got a real kick out of that. I added that one day the bully would sit across a big desk for him hoping to get hired and then who would have the true power? When it came to fighting, I did tell them never to start a fight. My ex, God bless him, said, “But if they start it, you damn well better finish.” I agreed with his philosophy.

This isn’t about being gay; it’s about having some home training. Mom and/or dad must teach their children how to behave. This is parental duty 101. Children who have been sheltered from any negativity or protected from their own emotions do not survive intense bullying as these two poor young souls have proven. In fact, without learning to deal with unpleasantness leaves them ill-equipped for life in general. Parents who swoop in to rescue and champion their children must do so with great care because the intervention could increase the ridicule and decrease the learning curve. Children who have never been reprimanded for bad behavior, or worse, have had parents who set the standard of bad behavior for them never learn to treat others with respect. Parents who ignore it when they are two-year-olds because it’s cute often end up wondering where they went wrong when the kid is mutilating small animals with the weed whacker when they are fourteen. Look in the mirror, honey. There’s your answer.

Iva

No Retreat -- No Surrender!

True...

nelle2nelle — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:56:05 -0500

and kids do toss around terms simply because they parrot, yet do not understand. In this case, in this age, I've a feeling they know at 11, but even if they did not or do not, they drew upon attitudes passed along by adults.

When I was a kid, the operative word was queer. Goddess knows one did not wish to be called out as queer - now I celebrate and embrace the word; damn right I'm queer!

For me, that embracing was a piece in ultimately pulling myself out of a hellhole to begin rebuilding my life.

What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Think of all the harm that is passed along this way... this is just one issue of so many. We pass these tired and ridiculous attitudes from generation to generation, creating societal fault lines, creating friction, and sometimes things so very much worse. We didand do this with race, with nationality, with ancestry, with religion, with our sexuality, with gender, etc. This morning I saw a story where a photographer photographed Carla Bruni's butt you can see the pic here.

Yet a good example of perpetuating a rather shallow view (pun maybe intended) of women.

When I see kids do stuff like this, fairly or unfairly, I start wondering what it is they hear in the home. I understand that these attitudes can come from peers (via someone's parants) and so it starts with us.

What is sad is that those who most need to hear and consider the discussions on this, probably do not go anywhere near where they take place.

llhaesa

Oops

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:35:13 -0500

The "So much to say response" was written in response to your comment. :-)

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

So much to say, not enough bits and bytes

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:34:10 -0500

That he may nor may not have been gay...well no one gave him a chance to grow up and figure it out.

Thank you, Nelle.

The thing is it may not have even been about sexual-orientation, but that children have taken the word "gay" and extrapolated from society's negative attitudes about homosexuality that "gay" means anything weird, bad, lame, gross, or too-effed up to bother understanding. What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Beam me up, Scotty

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:28:55 -0500

Unfortuantely, we can't escape nutcakes. :-)

Thank you for honoring the Day of Silence, PPR, with your post about Carl.

We've got so much work to do, to riff off the Isleys.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Can empathy be taught?

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:26:13 -0500

I think it can, but as you suggest there are forms of mental illness that make some people unable to absorb lessons about empathy.

However, narcissism is a personality disorder and frequently asocial behavior is an indication of personality disorder also. Nurture rather than nature can have a strong influence on the extent to which people manifest narcissistic and asocial behaviors, which for some people is part of natural-born temperament.

If only all parents were born with an inner parenting manual, perhaps how to properly nurture a child would never be an issue. It's a social problem that we may never be able to address without interfering more with parenting choices. Very sticky and not something I'd want to be my problem to solve for society at large. :-)

And yes, the belief that downing others lifts us up is at the root of much of this madness.

Thank you, Jill.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Pack animals

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:15:58 -0500

You bring up good points, Wilma. It's hard for children and we know this because even some adults fear being ousted from the pack more than they value kindness and compassion.

Beautiful words. Thank you.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Tissue-worthy

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:13:04 -0500

They argued that students who believe homosexuality is wrong are somehow being oppressed by challenging hate speech.

I'll bet they heard that at home.

These story are worthy of tears.

Thank you, K.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

On parents ignoring that their child is hitting other children

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:09:59 -0500

While waiting for the doctor once with my daughter, who was about 30 months at the time, another child around the same age slapped her in the face hard as they played on the floor. I went and got my daughter was surprised that the other mother, who saw it, did not address with her child at all that slapping is inappropriate.

As for grown-up bullies, Japan, I've read, has problems in offices with bullying. I'm sure America has some issues too.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

What to say...

nelle2nelle — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 16:26:27 -0500

this is a subject that hits way too close to home for me.

I watched as Carl's mom - within days of his death - bravely faced local media and challenged society over what was her worst nightmare. I was sickened, stunned, and outraged. 11 flipping years old, though would it be any less tragic at 15 or 18? Not for me, no.

That he may nor may not have been gay...well no one gave him a chance to grow up and figure it out. I've got 54 years in already, somehow I slid through, but damn I was scared a whole lot of the way. More than that, I had no self-esteem a whole lot of the way.

These children saw their action as their only viable way out of what weighed heavy upon them. Death... as a viable option, as protection, against society, one that should nurture and not destroy our young. Wow.

In a time where great strides are made - we could have 8 or 9 states with same sex marriage law if things go well, on an individual level things change slower, and it hits hardest at those least prepared to deal with what comes their way.

I've dealt with 15, 16, 17 year old women who are tossed from their homes by homophobic parents. Yeah, living on the streest seems a better way to protect and guide your child than letting them be who they naturally are. Makes sense to me. Not.

I've dealt with young women who deal with bullying; one notable one forever in my memory, a student in Brighton UK that over time got to lose the anger and start thinking positively. I often wonder about how she is now.

I've dealt with a couple of young women who had one or both parents in ministerships; aye ye ye, talk about generating conflict within someone, I felt so badly for them, and that conflict could be a lifelong issue.

For these kids, and by the way, I was shocked when someone sent me the Atlanta story a while back, I just could not believe we lost two inside of a month. A lifelong issue, a life taking issue.

I never, ever wish to see children or anyone face the shit I've faced, or suffer through any of this crap, and it pushes me forward.

The attitudes that are regurgitated at the kids in school are ingested and digested from adults - parents, parents of others, name it. All in the glorious name of ignorance and its partner, insecurity.

How many people watch what they say at home? How many people take the time to learn and grow if they embrace such ignorance? How many people will look at this story and recognise the part they played in perpetuating these attitudes over time? How many of them will take a big step and change?

I wonder, but it probably isn't very many. 'Sad that child died, and oh, please pass the rice.'

llhaesa