BlogHer - bullying - Comments

Bullied and bullier

jaycee — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 23:29:41 -0600

My son's been both and had huge problems last year and some of this year at school for handling situations violently. Unfortunately he's earned himself a bit of a reputation but I think we're on the road to rectifying that but it's not easy.

He has social skills problems and doesn't always know how to act in certain situations. I also know that some kids know how to push his buttons and stand back and watch the consequences of my son's reaction (one kid stood back with a smirk on his face one day according to my son). Consequences usually being detention.

Recently we got our department of education involved and I've had some meetings with a behaviour management person from there, and relevant people from the school and we've drawn up a student development plan for both school, and after school care. These plans outline some really clear goals for what's expected of Julian and he's 'rated' on his behaviour throughout the day with negotiated rewards for good behaviour.

But my son also gets picked on in addition to the push buttons and stand back thing I mentioned above. I've finally got him telling staff what's going on as there was a stage where he didn't want to dob.

It's a bloody hard one but as a parent you've got to be on the ball, work with the school, let the school know that you want to work with them to resolve things and not deny that something's going on. Pity all parents didn't do the same. I know one lot of parents thinks my son's the bad boy but their son ain't no angel either. They would deny that and the mum will not look me in the eye when we see each other at school. I think I'll just say hallo to her next time so she has to look me in the eye! Just because our boys have issues doesn't mean I'm a bad person..

Jen at Semantically driven

... and this type never grow

stephdow — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 11:49:26 -0600

... and this type never grow out of it. ugh...

Two kinds of bullies

phdinparenting — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 22:11:59 -0600

In my experience, I think there may be two kinds of bullies (maybe more??).

There are definitely those who are seeking attention and killing them with kindness may work. I think that is certainly true of the kids who are bullying in order to fend off bullies (better to be the bully than to be the victim), who don't have any/very many friends themselves and who may not have a very good home life.

But there is also another kind of bully. The "I'm better than you" bully. The ones who will not condescend to talk to you. The ones who will give continual little jabs to keep you in your place. The ones who want to continually remind everyone else of your faults, so that their superiority is even more apparent. The killing with kindness doesn't work with those ones. Being nice to them only leads to more bullying because you dared to think you had permission to talk to them.

Annie

PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.com

I was bullied

phdinparenting — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:57:06 -0600

I was bullied from preschool through to the end of high school. A friend of mine was frustrated last year when her daughter was being bullied by a 3 year old at preschool.

I would do anything to spare my kids from that experience and to keep them from becoming bullies. Anything. But what to do? That isn't always clear. For starters, I think schools have a responsibility to be on the watch for it, to treat it seriously, and to address the underlying issues that are causing the bullies to pick on others.

PhD in Parenting - http://phdinparenting.com

i hate bullies!!!!

notUrtypicalGma — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 10:58:26 -0600

yes, bullying is rampant. all of my girls at some point have been bullied and for the most part it has been short lived, because i have taught my daughters to stick up for themselves. they have handled it in different ways, one may talk her way out of it another has actually had to kick a boy off of her, let me say that he called her bad names and left bruises on her arms she just happened to be caught by the yard duty person. i went to to the office and we got to the bottom of it, this kid had bullied her for a while and she finally couldn't take it anymore. and yet anothers bullying was in junior high and she came home and told me and i went to the principals office and the three boys who did bully her were suspended, because they used remarks affiliated with gang behavior. i am glad that my kids are equipped to do the right thing, and if i ever saw them acting out on another child i have taken them aside and been really stern with them, for the most part it has been kidstuff. but if you do not nip it in the bud it grows into this unmanageable behavior that to me is unacceptable, as i was bullied from kinder to highschool. i finally got bold to stand up for myself, most times i did not confide in my parents and i think that is crucial. creating an environment of communication is soo important to really knowing what is going on with your kid. i agree with beverly as they get older the bullying can be worse, with the technology we have today it only allows someone to be destroyed with the push of a send button. i have tweens and teens and it is scary to me how much goes on, for the new cyberbullying i think having access to all of their gadgets and myspace etc is important i monitor my girls sites. i have seen cyberbullying firsthand when someone spread vicious rumors about my daughter from another mother, it destoyed her confidence and friendships and she is slowly rebuilding her life back to a normal for her. so i say know what is going on in your kids life and know who is in your kids life. and to all the former bullies out there who ever taunted me, hope karma was a *$#@! to you.

It gets more difficult!

Beverly Flaxington — Mon, 09 Nov 2009 17:48:06 -0600

Once they start texting, IMing and going online, it gets so much more difficult to oversee and manage. My 13 year old daughter has received threatening messages from "friends" and I've seen many situations where other children (girls especially) have to deal with the cyber-bullying. It's hard to go to school and not even know who is out to get you! And, of course, it is easy to punish someone when all you have to do is press "Send". On the note of younger children, the counselor at my youngest daughter's school last year (in Kindergarten) told me she was having to start younger and younger to teach them to be kind to one another. She said the bullying and gossiping used to start in 4th or 5th grade, but now it is the littlest children.

What did I do? In both cases, all I can do is try and explain to my kids that bullies are looking for attention. I try and teach them that "kill with kindness" is generally the best approach. Do they listen? Who knows!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets

I was taught

raisedqueer — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 08:42:36 -0500

I was taught that I had the right to defend myself. Never start a fight, but don't back down. Or run like hell. Whatever was right for the situation.

I tried to teach my kids the same. My childrens' school had a no tolerance policy. It didn't matter who started it, if there was a fight everyone involved was suspended. Doesn't seem fair, but that's the policy. Thank goodness your school district can decide on the individual case.

Fortunately my kids never had a physical altercation. My daughter was, however, bullied by one girl in particular in 9th grade. She was always in her face...spreading rumors...calling. I called the school, called the girl on her behavior and even called the parents. I was lucky that my daughter was always open with me and didn't mind that I intervened. The bully finally let up. She grew weary, I guess. Moved on to another. I just remember how angry I was that her parents didn't have better control and seemed disinterested. Frustrating!

http://raisedqueer.squarespace.com

What my mother told me...

SJoy — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 22:14:26 -0500

Love this post. It made me think of what my mother used to tell me growing up:

"If someone hits you, you look them in the eye and tell them not to hit you again. If they hit you again, you hit him back as hard as you possibly can."

I never really had to do this (thankfully), but it's something I've never forgotten.

Blogging as S. Joy @ www.fitandinspiredliving.com.

I just read

mashadutoit — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:20:14 -0500

I just read an article in our newspaper about a schoolboy at a school near here. He had thrown a cup of hot coffee at another boy, and scalded him badly enough that he had to have the burns treated in hospital. Turns out, though, that the coffee throwing boy had been badly bullied for months by the scalded boy and his friends.

I think we dont acknowledge the animal nature of humans enough. People just are not that rational. People will often push and push and only stop if the alternative is pain or humiliation. I had a student who gave me trouble for ages. Always back chatting, making a noise, and so on. Until the day I caught him cheating in a test. For a while he knew, and I knew that I had the power to get him in some severe trouble. After letting him stew for a while, and an "official visit" to the principal, I let him off with a "will you ever do something that stupid again" but after that, he was all friendlyness to me.

So I think it has less to do with violence, than in demonstrating clearly that you are in control. Which, unfortunately, is really easy to do with violence. Especially if you are a child and have no other way to gain power.

"Violence never solves anything" is clearly false - and that is the challenge. How can one take responsibility for your own potential to exert force? You might say "there is always a better way." But is there really? Is all violence equally reprehensible, or is a swift slap to quell a bully actually a good thing?

Words can do so much harm. Why do we focus so much on physical violence alone?

Shudder

camisa — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 14:47:19 -0500

I have a son who just turned 6 last week. He's such a soft and sweet kid that I am truly scared of what will happen should he attract the attention of a bully (or should a friendship go awry). I give you and your son a whole lot of credit. Thank you for posting this.

Where is Your Mother?

n2ative1 — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 18:50:32 -0500

As the mother of two gay sons, now grown, I have to say I don’t know if they were ever bullied for that, I plan to discuss this with them and find out. I do know they were ridiculed for being smart among other unfashionable traits. As a mom, I wanted them to see their strengths rather than protect them because they were weak. I think this is the major disconnect between old school parents and people raising kids today. Nordette, the phrase you used, “…old school ugly with new school savagery,” really sums it up. Our children have been desensitized by electronic baby sitters while mom and dad worked to afford more cool toys.

When my oldest came to me saying that he was being ridiculed for being smart and questioning if his intellect was a good thing, I explained that the bully was only doing it to make himself feel better about being dumb. He got a real kick out of that. I added that one day the bully would sit across a big desk for him hoping to get hired and then who would have the true power? When it came to fighting, I did tell them never to start a fight. My ex, God bless him, said, “But if they start it, you damn well better finish.” I agreed with his philosophy.

This isn’t about being gay; it’s about having some home training. Mom and/or dad must teach their children how to behave. This is parental duty 101. Children who have been sheltered from any negativity or protected from their own emotions do not survive intense bullying as these two poor young souls have proven. In fact, without learning to deal with unpleasantness leaves them ill-equipped for life in general. Parents who swoop in to rescue and champion their children must do so with great care because the intervention could increase the ridicule and decrease the learning curve. Children who have never been reprimanded for bad behavior, or worse, have had parents who set the standard of bad behavior for them never learn to treat others with respect. Parents who ignore it when they are two-year-olds because it’s cute often end up wondering where they went wrong when the kid is mutilating small animals with the weed whacker when they are fourteen. Look in the mirror, honey. There’s your answer.

Iva

No Retreat -- No Surrender!

True...

nelle2nelle — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:56:05 -0500

and kids do toss around terms simply because they parrot, yet do not understand. In this case, in this age, I've a feeling they know at 11, but even if they did not or do not, they drew upon attitudes passed along by adults.

When I was a kid, the operative word was queer. Goddess knows one did not wish to be called out as queer - now I celebrate and embrace the word; damn right I'm queer!

For me, that embracing was a piece in ultimately pulling myself out of a hellhole to begin rebuilding my life.

What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Think of all the harm that is passed along this way... this is just one issue of so many. We pass these tired and ridiculous attitudes from generation to generation, creating societal fault lines, creating friction, and sometimes things so very much worse. We didand do this with race, with nationality, with ancestry, with religion, with our sexuality, with gender, etc. This morning I saw a story where a photographer photographed Carla Bruni's butt you can see the pic here.

Yet a good example of perpetuating a rather shallow view (pun maybe intended) of women.

When I see kids do stuff like this, fairly or unfairly, I start wondering what it is they hear in the home. I understand that these attitudes can come from peers (via someone's parants) and so it starts with us.

What is sad is that those who most need to hear and consider the discussions on this, probably do not go anywhere near where they take place.

llhaesa

Oops

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:35:13 -0500

The "So much to say response" was written in response to your comment. :-)

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

So much to say, not enough bits and bytes

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:34:10 -0500

That he may nor may not have been gay...well no one gave him a chance to grow up and figure it out.

Thank you, Nelle.

The thing is it may not have even been about sexual-orientation, but that children have taken the word "gay" and extrapolated from society's negative attitudes about homosexuality that "gay" means anything weird, bad, lame, gross, or too-effed up to bother understanding. What does that say about what we've taught the next generation?

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.

Beam me up, Scotty

Nordette — Thu, 30 Apr 2009 17:28:55 -0500

Unfortuantely, we can't escape nutcakes. :-)

Thank you for honoring the Day of Silence, PPR, with your post about Carl.

We've got so much work to do, to riff off the Isleys.

Nordette: BlogHer CE and NOLA Lit Examiner. Blogs @ WSATA & UMBOP.