BlogHer - memory - Comments

Domestic Violence

sebeaver — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 10:39:50 -0500

It's unfortunate that this type of violence happens way to often to young women in our world. I think that this is more shocking because it's someone that people idolize and look up to. However, his actions are completely uncalled for and it's a shame a victim of such a crime has to be so publicized. The pictures that got leaked show just how horrible the beating truly was and I feel bad for Rihanna that her privacy in the matter is completely gone.

I can say that I am glad that this type of violence is getting looked at more now. I think domestic violence is a huge problem and a lot of people don't report it because they don't see it as an issue or they don't want to lose their relationship. But I think Rihanna coming forward hopefully will give more of a voice to young women in these situations.

As for Chris Brown, I think he needs to be punished and hopefully that will give people a better understanding that this is a bad crime. I really hope things change for him. I know that when a person has a violent nature it is hard to change. But I hope his sincerity will give him the tools he needs to change.

When will we take him off the cross?

Nordette — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 15:04:37 -0500

First, thank you for commenting. I believe in forgiveness and recognize that we should offer each other compassion because none of us is perfect. Nevertheless, have you considered that nobody would be talking about Chris Brown right now or revisiting his beating Rihanna if he hadn't gone on Larry King Live in an attempt to improve his public image? He went on Larry King Live because he's working to save his career. I hope they get the help they need and have more privacy in recovery as well, but perhaps staying out of the public spotlight for awhile is part of that solution. He went on Larry King Live by choice.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

We Need to Slow Down

cluelesscrafter — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 13:19:00 -0500

Blind rage can indeed be a medical defense for the actual beating, but it takes time for rage to develop and this man was stirring his cauldron for a long time before he unleashed.

We are in a society where we expect others to deal with our issues. We are too laissez faire about letting ourselves get out of control whether it be with weight, sadness, finances, relationships, or anger. Our culture has taught us to take a back seat on our personal issues and opt for full steam ahead towards the American dream. We need to slow down and address the human side of ourselves.

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

First, I do NOT in any

tbrooks — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:18:00 -0500

First, I do NOT in any way intend to minimize Chris Brown's actions by dismissing them as kid-type actions. His (and maybe even her) behaviors were wrong. I work with women everyday hurt by domestic violence. I get it.

Secondly, so much we - as the public - do not know about this situation. All we know is what the media has delivered to us on a silver platter. I am not privy to the details of this case - only what the press has delivered. In other words, it's not my business beyond a point of advocacy and community education.

My point was and is these people are young - very young. They both have entire lifetimes ahead of them and with that I wish them wholeness and freedom from the voyeurs of the world so they can both get help.

I hope they receive the counseling they need; the privacy they need and the support (from people that matter in their lives) they need.

Hey, I'm bloggin' for Moms! Click to learn more!

Sisters Helping Sisters Matters!

No excuse...but forgiveness

asweetpumpkin — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 11:07:45 -0500

Let me start out by saying that there is no excuse for domestic violence. I am in no way condoning Chris Brown's actions. However, there is forgiveness! He made a mistake! A lapse in judgement....a very bad lapse but one none-the-less. He has owned up to what he did and is willing to face the consequences. When are we going to take him down off the cross?

We have all made mistakes in life and I would hate to be hung in front of the public for every mistake I have made! Especially the ones made in my 20s!

For both Chris and Rhianna I hope they both seek counseling to deal with what happened and what caused it to escalate to this point and I wish them all the best in the future.

asweetpumpkin

Kids?

Nordette — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 18:26:30 -0500

I appreciate your thoughts. It is sad, but beyond that I strongly disagree. Chris Brown is 20. He wants to be considered to be a man, not a child. And it's good that he hasn't hidden behind his age.

Even if he'd done this crime at age 15, which is definitely a kid, if he had beaten a stranger the way he beat Rihanna, which included biting her finger and ear and blackening her face, he would not be getting six months community service with five years probation. He'd be in jail, serving time.

And that was not the first incident of domestic violence between the two. He's established a pattern.

I'm all for counseling and compassion, but why should we be any more understanding when people beat the people claim to love this way than we'd be when people beat strangers? I couldn't tell you if either one of their songs started blasting over my computer this minute, but I know that this is not just a "Kid" mistake. He's being treated more kindly than a non-celebrity would ever be treated in the same situation. Being a celebrity has been to his benefit not to his disadvantage.

Domestic violence is a serious matter. Offenders don't outgrow it with age.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

It's all so sad

tbrooks — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 14:59:20 -0500

These are kids. Although it's a powerful and necessary coversation, I hope we (the public) can let them move past this incident and heal. Responsibility + privacy + counseling is my hope for them.

I have never heard either of their music, so I'm not a "fan". However, I certainly hope their lives are not destroyed because of this.

Thank God cameras were not on my many blunders as a twenty-something!

Hey, I'm Examining Motherhood! Click to learn more!

Support Groups?

Nordette — Wed, 02 Sep 2009 10:37:48 -0500

I'm not a therapist so I base this on my personal experience after observing two different men that I know who both had abusive personalities. I saw a difference between the two. One went off and didn't know why he went off. He'd go off on anybody, not just his wife. He needed to get to the root of what was making him so angry and why that anger came out as physical abuse and he wanted to change.

The other abuser, however, was calculating and thought he had the right to "teach his wife a lesson," that she deserved his actions against her. He had a classifiable personality disorder that neither anger management nor intense psychotherapy would cure.

I'll wager that the first man I mentioned could go through individual therapy and then move on to a support group of like-minded men who all had been through individual therapy first and believed that something was wrong with them and wanted to change.

However, I'd bet more money that the second man would only pretend his way through therapy, sit in a support group (if the therapist didn't catch he was full of crap) and try to figure out how to get back at his wife as he'd blame her for his having to be in therapy. In his mind, nothing is ever his fault. The second guy is a narcissist with asocial personality disorder. There's not much hope for saving him because he never believes he's wrong.

When it comes to abusers, I think there are types of abusers. Some can be helped. Some can't. I don't know what the stats are today on abusers and recovery but at one point there were some studies that said the recovery rate was low. I think that's because they throw everybody into the stats. The people who wanted therapy to work out their demons and the people who were forced to go but like their demons and want to keep them.

So, when I say some abusers don't have access to the therapy that Chris Brown will get (if he wants it) I'm talking about abusers who actually don't want to be abusers not the guys who take pride in being abusive, which are the ones who probably would sit in a support group and try to find the safe house.

I may be jaded on this one. I don't believe anyone everybody is open to positive change.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Hi! Thanks for the response!

ItsyBitsyKC — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 23:48:24 -0500

I am glad you bring up therapy for abusers in the discussion. It disturbs me that there seems a big difference in the number for support groups for the abused and the abusers. I understand that not many domestic violence survivors reach out for support, and even fewer abusers will actively seek therapy for their behavior - but the issue involves both these parties.

I remember asking my supervisor this question: are there support groups for these abusers? My supervisor explained to me that such groups were often unsuccessful because most abusers are not interested in changing their behavior, and (horrifyingly) these gatherings allow them to exchange "tips" and information such as safe house locations and how to use the loopholes in the local laws. I was appalled in all my naive-ness :-( I'm still not sure whether this is the stone, hard truth, or if it is filtered through jaded lenses.

I agree.

Nordette — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 22:23:42 -0500

In fact, I deleted a sentence in my response on the first comment here that was "There are men who are abusers who need the same kind of therapy Chris Brown will get but they don't have the money for a therapist or the insurance coverage either." I didn't say it because I didn't want to turn this post into yet another debate on health care. :-) Lack of funding for counselors is a major problem in this country.

And you'll get no argument from me that the media is paying attention because it's celebrities. However, at BlogHer we address domestic violence even when celebrities are not involved. What's sad is that I know I've read posts all over the web and even seen pieces in MSM that have used the Brown-Rihanna incident to raise awareness of the signs and prevention of domestic violence but I have yet to see anyone who openly blames Rihanna step back and re-evaluate their conviction that the incidence was her fault. I think domestic violence and violence are topics that we have to address and hammer all year long. If Brown is truly contrite, then I hope he uses his celebrity status to change the minds of some of his fans, to tell them the consistently through word and deed that what he did was wrong.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

I have so many mixed

ItsyBitsyKC — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 19:47:12 -0500

I have so many mixed feelings about the Chris Brown - Rihanna incident. While I am glad many people were outraged and spoke out against Chris Brown's actions, I sometimes feel that the media continues to follow the story because it is "the dirt" on celebrities, and that it is sensational. I volunteer for an organization that provides advocacy and immediate counseling for domestic violence survivors and sexual assault survivors; when this news first surfaced, acquaintances would approach me and discuss domestic violence issues...but obviously lose interest when the discussion goes beyond Chris Brown and Rihanna. Here I am thinking: here's my chance to talk about how under-funded organizations who provide support to survivors are, how the local judicial system is full of loop-holes, and how we, as citizens in this world, can educate ourselves with the honest and right information, and help make it a better system, but not many seemed very interested. I may sound bitter...but I was pretty disheartened.

I am glad that this news received lots of coverage and promoted some awareness, but I still don't understand how it is constantly the national news while non-profit organizations can no longer afford to employ their counselors. I know one counselor who was let go because of lack of funding, but he still uses what little free time he has at the family court to continue his 'job' for no pay. It makes me wonder where our priorities lie.

He has a better chance than many

Nordette — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:11:03 -0500

Thank you for your comment. I also hope he gets the help he needs. He has a better chance than many other abusers who need to be in therapy but won't go because they can't admit they have a problem, not to mention those who live in a culture that condones violence against women.

I agree. Most of us have behaviors we saw modeled in childhood that we swear we won't manifest and yet do at some point. But definitely not all victims of abuse or observers of abuse become abusers themselves. Whoever figures out what makes one person follow the pattern and another successfully avoid it will win a Nobel Prize.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

Will we let Brown and others be honest about blind rage?

Nordette — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 16:04:21 -0500

At my blog a commenter seemed to think that saying Chris Brown acted in a blind rage was the same as giving him an excuse or somehow saying it was blind rage and not abuse. I appreciate her expressing her opinion and figured someone else might draw a similar understanble but faulty conclusion about what it means to say someone acted in blind rage. Blind rage is a state of mind. Abuse is an action or lack of action that often results from indulging anger, resentment, or blind rage.

Here is my response from comments at WSATA:

saying someone flew into a blind rage does not translate to an acceptable excuse nor does it mean the result of the rage is not abuse. In fact, regular outbursts of rage is a self-indulgence and negative self-indulgence always results in abuse of someone or something. It's mismanaged anger for which people need to be accountable.

Often abusers are full of rage. However, even in cases where rage is understandable, such as finding out someone murdered your child, rage is never an excuse, but always a dangerous state of mind.

But if someone murdered your child, you might get off pleading temporary insanity.

A bigger but--regular bouts of rage, like what CB seems to have, are not classified as temporary insanity but as the pattern of the abuser.

We humans tend to excuse people we say "lose it" easily with comments like "Oh, he or she's just high strung." In truth, losing your temper regularly is a warning sign to get help before you hurt someone. With all those warning signs in Chris's life, he has no excuse.

Once you cross the line and do hurt someone, you don't get a free pass based on rage, whatever the trigger, because human beings should practice self control and also be humble enough to get help when they need it. (Comment at WSATA)

So, when I say at the top of the main post "Nothing excuses a man beating a woman," I mean it. Likewise, I would not excuse a woman for physically attacking a man. However, I do believe there is a difference between female aggression and abuse in terms of power distribution.

DR. STAN KATZ, PSYCHOLOGIST: Everyone was throwing this around, like there was violence in the car and she may have hit him or provoked him. Let’s make a distinction right away. Women can be aggressive with men, but they’re not abusive. Here is the difference, abuse contains intimidation, control and coercion. (Link)

Nevertheless, neither male nor female should be excused when not controlling anger.

Nordette Adams is a BlogHer CE & you can find her other stuff through Her 411.

i hope he gets the help he

pookielocks — Tue, 01 Sep 2009 14:24:06 -0500

i hope he gets the help he needs in order to be able to control himself in other stressful situations. the best he can do is own up to his actions and try to correct it.

i think most people have moments in which they channel some of their upbringing, even if it's something they've sworn NOT to do/act like. however, not all of the world's abused become abusers and so forth.

www.shebecameabutterfly.net and www.msmodern.com and www.taking-back-control.com

Those little moments make it worthwhile...

zazupitts — Mon, 01 Jun 2009 08:02:35 -0500

I know what you mean!

Mornings are best for folks with dementia...they're brighter, cheerier and more alert. And the routine of someone helping them with their morning ritual is kind of comforting -- especially if they are a caregiver like you!

Sometimes you just have to treasure the good moments... and realize that when LOs return back to their state of dementia, they're still loving, spiritually aware, joyful human beings.

Living in Caregiverland:www.Caregiverland.com