BlogHer - Elizabeth Edwards - Comments

Not off point at all

House of Clams — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 17:50:04 -0500

It reminds me of something my partner Michael was saying about a catching up with a Facebook friend last night that she had recently divorced after 11 years of marriage, "the last seven of them unhappy." And he asked, "Why would someone squander so many years in a dead marriage?"

For the sake of the children? Why, exactly? To portray marriage to them as an exemplar of misery, an inescapable cage? You're too right: How much better the short-term pain of ripping that bandage and showing your children two free adults who've chosen life on their own terms instead of clinging to vows they can no longer abide. Trust me, I'm ALL for what's better for kids, and it's definitely not two miserable parents trapped in a loveless marriage. . .

I can't imagine if your work makes you exceptionally jaded or exceptionally wise. I *do* know that one of my favorite movies EVER is "Intolerable Cruelty". . . ;-)

Tracy

www.houseofclams.com

Publicity in Divorce - friend or foe?

moddivorce — Thu, 01 Oct 2009 13:32:33 -0500

Tracy,

The legal divorce process is such a fickle beast and the outcome, at the mercy of a judge's prejudices, mood, and general state of mind on any given day. So it is impossible to say with any certainty whether a woman's tell-all will help or hurt her in divorce. That said, its covers and hundreds of pages chock full of juicy tidbits could undoubtedly lead to hours, days, or weeks of litigation and exorbitant legal fees all around, making many lawyers fatter.....it reminds me of the recent media frenzy smear campaign in Christie Brinkley's divorce and her husband's "tawdry" behavior. Being a bit old school, I think these ladies should use their experiences for good, not evil, and keep the mudslinging behind closed doors.

Helene Taylor, Esq.

http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com

ps. my good friend just published this article in Psychology today about marriage and divorce. It made me think of you - thought you might find it interesting - kind of off point, but...

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/contemplating-divorce/200909/divorce...

WORD.

House of Clams — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:51:34 -0500

Helene,

You know, I get that as public servants, Edwards and Sanford had to go before the cameras and give their mea culpas and the standard-issue "I've let down my family, my staff, and my God," because they have a term to serve out and they're doing all they can to save their asses come re-election. And honestly, I don't even hold it against either Elizabeth or Jenny for staying with them, if that's what it ultimately comes to. I don't know if *I* could do it -- especially something so hurtful that rolled like a passion play on a national stage -- but I figure the only people who knows what goes on in a relationship are the two people in it, and if *they're* honestly able to forgive and move on, who am I to judge?

But in terms of continually depicting themselves first and foremost as good mothers, and then using their public platforms to either trash their children's fathers or do some name-calling of the other woman or generally make many, many bucks off their marital failings by writing about them for the general public -- I have a REAL PROBLEM reconciling that with being a good mother to your kids.

Factor in a potential divorce on the horizon, and I find it downright toxic to kids. And I'm betting possibly damning enough to raise custodial issues, Helene?

Tracy

www.houseofclams.com

WORD.

House of Clams — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 18:49:11 -0500

Helene,

Factor in a potential divorce on the horizon, and I find it downright toxic to kids. And I'm betting possibly damning enough to raise custodial issues, Helene?

Tracy

www.houseofclams.com

A-men or should I say A-woman!

moddivorce — Wed, 30 Sep 2009 16:49:30 -0500

I particularly agree with your comments in response to Elizabeth saying she had to write the book, or parts of it anyway, for her children! - That is indeed, something to address in private, in one-on-one discussions - not with the nation.

With respect to what they "should" be writing about, how about explaining to women how/why they stood there next to their husband's as they did - why they didn't tear them another one and kick them out on their ears...was it "for the children?" I don't think, even as a politician's wife, that I could stand by the man while he professed his infidelity to the world - retch.

With regards to your holding out on the whole "marriage" thing - Wahooo to you! Having been there and failed, and as a divorce lawyer who still believes in love, I do not believe that signing a legal marriage certificate is necessary to profess undying love and a lifelong committment...and I don't think the tax benefits are all they're cracked up to be :) - of course, this is not legal advice and is simply a personal, not professional, opinion.

Peace, Helene Taylor, Esq.

http://themodernwomansdivorceguide.com/blog

Loved the show

Southerngirl — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 09:02:24 -0500

I too think I have found a new show.

Not really sure what makes a wife "good" but I would say It is very subjective. A good wife would be someone who not only gives their partner what they need but what they want as well. BTW I am divorced!

Michelle

I blog at http://www.mommycan.blogspot.com/

thank you

womenonthefence — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 20:00:16 -0500

Ladies, I wanted to thank you for your feedback. I'm glad the post got you stimulated, thinking and writing. As all of you, I wish the very best for Elizabeth Edwards. I wish her health, happiness and fulfillment. I'm glad to see as women, we can all have a voice. I cherish all your voices. Love, Erica www.WomenOnTheFence.com xoxEDxox

Intrigued

Tina Lane — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 18:20:00 -0500

I am super intrigued by your post and I am not normally one to chase TV shows. I would hope what makes a good wife is the same as what makes a good husband, but that would be naive of me. www.floridagirlmidwest.blogspot.com

Good wife yeah what is that? I bet I know the real answer there!

Eitherinloveornot — Sat, 26 Sep 2009 20:20:09 -0500

Yeah, you thought I was probally a guy huh?

A good wife is the wife that is in love with her husband and he is in love with her.

They find themselves treating each other the way they would want to be treated.

With respect and love. Thinking of not themselves everyday but the other half of them.

Is this impossible? Well yeah when temptation runs wild and selfishness and a lack of spirituality with the Lord himself living in you it certainly is.

I thought I knew what I would do...

descalzagirl — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 22:09:48 -0500

I had always told my husband that I would leave him if he ever cheated on me. Obviously that wasn't a big enough threat to stop him. When I found out that he had been unfaithful to me, I was forced to evaluate 13 years of marriage. And my conclusion was that he deserved a second chance.

In each situation there are so many different factors. It's not a simple yes or no. My husband had ended the affair before I found out. He was truthful about the details of it (this I corroborated by texting The Other Woman and pretending to be my husband. I got a ton of information that way). He was miserable about it and repentant, and remembering back, I had seen signs of his misery the entire affair which lasted a few months.

I thought I could never stay, and now I'm trying to figure out how.

why on earth would we want to judge anyone's choices?

laurie — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 16:04:26 -0500

Really. It takes enough energy to make my own marriage work and to nurture the relationships in my own life.

I don't know what I would do in Elizabeth Edwards' situation but I certainly don't judge her for the choices she's made.

As an aside (and as someone living with Stage 4 breast cancer), while Ms. Edwards' cancer is incurable, I don't think that she would say that she is "dying" or "terminal." She is currently undergoing treatment and I think her condition is relatively stable. Many women with Stage 4 breast cancer are living much longer than anyone would expect and find that the illness is more comparable to a chronic illness.

I don't point this out to make anyone feel bad. It's just as someone in a similar situation (I am in remission but continue with treatment), I can be a tad sensitive when it comes to this issue.

Laurie

The blog is Not Just About Cancer and the book is Not Done Yet.

Judging?

amamasblog — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:49:44 -0500

I can see the reason behind it this post- for discussion, but why drag Elizabeth Edwards situation into it again?

Elizabeth Edwards has been through hell, and she is dying. What she decides to do regarding her husband, her marriage, and her family is her business, and none of us are qualified to “judge” her decisions. Maybe she is happy sitting on that “fence.” Maybe she had made peace with the situation, and maybe she hasn’t. The post says we shouldn’t judge her, but when you say, “She must sit on that fence every day wondering if she has made the right decision for herself and her happiness. That can’t be a comfortable place to sit.” That sounds like a judgment in itself.

Heather

*A Mama's Blog

heart breaking...

oilfieldwife — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:34:04 -0500

I can't even imagine what I would do in her shoes. Being critically ill with young children is hard enough, and to have a husband behave so despicably, I can't even fathom the pain. I agree with Erica, if it were a one time thing, I would be inclined to work it out, especially if children are involved. But an ongoing affair? In my opinion, that's just a man trying to get out of a marriage and not having the guts to say it straight out, so he acts out. Such a tough situation, I just hope that she can find peace in some way. As for John Edwards, I don't know how he sleeps at night.

An Unlikely Oilfield Wife!

http://www.unlikelyoilfieldwife.com

You never know

sarahday — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 13:25:28 -0500

I have to say honestly that I have no idea what I would do. It would depend so much on my relationship with my husband before it happened and the ability for us to communicate after. Trust is a tough thing to earn back once it is lost, and although I'm sure it is possible, it's a struggle that is long and hard for both parties.

I cannot imagine what Elizabeth Edwards went through. I cannot imagine being diagnosed with terminal cancer, having lost a child, and finding out your husband was unfaithful. Talk about feeling utterly alone. I'll be honest, I don't know if I was in her situation if I would have the strength to leave the marriage and face the cancer, dying, and the loss of my child alone even if that was what I wanted to do. She is an amazing woman regardless and my thoughts are definitely with her.

Sarah Day

live large, laugh often, wear purple underwear

house of day

Why stay in the marriage?

Twincere — Thu, 24 Sep 2009 12:59:06 -0500

Speaking from experience, its completely devastating and life changing to have been betrayed by your spouse. My ex husband cheated on me in June 1999. We split but reconciled after he begged for forgiveness after 1 month. The reconciliation was short lived. Neither our pastor nor Couples therapy could help heal the wounds of distrust, and the nagging doubt that was always in my mind. He admitted that he still thought about her, even though he supposedly cared for me. I asked him to leave in December 1999, and found out I was pregnant with twins 4 weeks later. Though we were separated and he lived with the other girl, (who knew he was married) he tried to be supportive of the pregnancy for our 4 year old daughter's sake. He played mind games, and sad to admit--I fell for them a few times. Pregnant, single and struggling as a parent made me vulnerable. I gave birth to the boys early--July 2000. He gave me an ultimatum--one which included him being able to "be with the other girl and myself as he pleased". I not so politely declined and even though scared, continued on with the divorce. Through all the years of abuse and turmoil, I struggled with the decision because I wanted my marriage to work--we'd been together since 1992. But marriage cannot be completely one-sided, and it had been for us. Surpisingly and unexpectedly a year later in Aug 2001, I met my future DH & we married in April 2002. He has been a blessing, my best friend, and a wonderful, hands on parent to my 3 children.

My ex husband has very little to do with our 3 children at all, maybe sees them once or twice a year. He married that same girl 4 years ago and now has 2 more children with her. In all that time, he's not changed--he's still without ambition, a liar and still a cheater. Some people never change, and thankfully--I have.

I also feel tremendous sadness and compassion for Elizabeth Edwards. Yes, she is dying--but to start all over after investing 30 years of her life would be too taxing on her health. I would hope that John Edwards would be a man enough to be there with his wife and children at all times--until the end. I think given the state of her health or emotional well being, she should just stay in the familiar. Leaving the marriage would further sink her into depression and that's not good for someone who is already critically ill. I would have a different thought if her illness had a better prognosis, but sadly--thats not to say at this time. She needs to focus on her thoughts, and spending time with her children and her loved ones--she needs every last bit of time on her side for them.

【ツ】Email: Twincere(at)Gmail(dot)com

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