BlogHer - communication - Comments

What's in it for him?

Bill Cammack — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 11:19:04 -0500

Excellent topic, Liz.

Part of "The Game" is figuring out why your current SO selected you in the first place. It's possible that he wanted someone to compromise with. It's possible that he wanted his dinner on the table when he got home from work and a woman he likes to get physical with. Depending on what his reasons are for spending time with you, he will or will not have any incentive or intention on compromising with anything you say or think.

In any relationship or negotiation, the person that's not willing to walk away from the table is at a DISTINCT disadvantage. If you want to be in a relationship more than you want to get your own way, you're stuck, so take it like a woman and grin and bear it. If doing what you want to do when you want to do it is more important, prepare for relationships to end and begin based on whether a guy feels like doing what you want him to do.

You can't really have *both*, unless you carefully screened the guy ahead of time to figure out whether he has your best interests at heart before you started the relationship.

~ Bill
I blog at billcammack.com

My turn, your turn

rebellious thinker — Sat, 04 Jul 2009 09:47:52 -0500

I wrote a blog posst a while back about "compromising myself out of a marriage." I think the key is not in compromising but in taking turns. Really, why can't I get what I want sometimes, unadulterated with someone else's desires, and the same for him? I hated that I couldn't even decide where we would eat out, it had to be a compromise. And as you have all been saying, the woman doesn't so much compromise as give in; and the man doesn't so much compromise as stand his ground. I'm divorced because at a certain point I had been so totally diminished, knowing that I could never get what I want and know that it was valid, that I couldn't take it anymore.

Laura, www.RebelliousThoughtsofaWoman.com

clarification

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:46:18 -0500

My mom was a stay-at-home mom, not me! :)

Hm... I don't know if it's nurturing per se. I think many people manage to be nurturing without struggling to find the balance. I wouldn't say it's nurturing per se, but rather, this lesson of self-sacrifice and lesser importance and service to everyone but yourself.

I wonder how the people who were raised in a more egalitarian setting are on this issue.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

backtracking

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:39:16 -0500

Is better than the alternative, right? I do sometimes feel silly, but at least I'm seeing it and fixing it.

I like how you're communicating; that makes a lot of sense.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Exactly

Liz Rizzo — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 12:37:21 -0500

It's amazing to me that this isn't an issue for me in my working life, but has become such a struggle in my personal life. I, too, am hoping that increased recognition of when I'm doing it will lead to getting it right in the first place more often.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

A Journey

gesterline — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:47:44 -0500

I believe one of a woman's best attributes, nuturing, is often one of the biggest stumbling blocks. Nurturing, making someone feel loved unconditionally, is a gift. Drawing the line between nuturing and losing yourself seems to be a life journey.

I was married for 21 years choosing to be a stay at home Mom as you have. When the marriage fell apart I discovered that I had totally lost myself in my ex. After spending alot of time beating myself up over this I spent time learning who I was and loving me for me. It is still a journey but I am in a wonderful relationship where my fiancee supports my journey as I am his. There are bumps but it sure is nice.

Liz, you are not alone. Finding the balance is something we are all looking for.

Genny

www.connectionsforwomen.com

Constant effort

smartchica47 — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 11:19:35 -0500

If you find a woman who doesn't struggle with this, please let me know! I've done the backtracking thing many times and I often feel silly when I'm doing it but I've never regreted it afterward. Previous boyfriends haven't helped (i.e., they made me feel silly, and I ended up compromixing a LOT because I was afraid not to) but my current boyfriend is awesome about it - he has told me how much he appreciates that I tell him what I'm thinking, when I'm thinking it, instead of letting it build up inside. And him being that supportive makes it easier to express my needs upfront. I've also tried to find ways to let him know that I'm compromising without *saying* it that directly - that is, to compromise graciously but not SO graciously that he thinks I truly don't care. Sometimes that means I say things like, "Well, my 1st choice would be X, but if that doesn't work for you, I'm perfectly OK with doing Y." Again, it helps that he appreciates when he knows I'm compromising, and he is willing to compromise a lot too - I think part of the problem I've had in the past was not only being hesitant to express myself but feeling resentful because I felt like the other person was never compromising and it was always ME.

At the same time, this relationship is relatively new and I worry a lot about what will happen in the future, as we encounter more issues that we both have strong opinions about. I want to believe that we'll be able to talk it out so neither of us feels like we're compromising more or giving up anything TRULY important to us, but who knows...

Jenn

http://quirkyeconomist.blogspot.com

Wish I could help...

tjsmith — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 10:49:17 -0500

But I gotta tell ya, this has been a huge issue for me in relationships. In my work, I have no trouble with boundaries and expressing myself when they're in danger of being crossed. In my personal life, however, I am jello. I've been married twice and have consistently failed to find a balance between my early training (take care of everyone, make everything right for everyone, keep everyone happy, don't upset anyone, my needs are secondary and if I can just accomplish this everything will be peachy) and the realities of today such as: my career is as demanding as anyone elses, I bring home the bacon too, it's okay to be tired and ask others in the household to help out, labor at home should be shared labor and todays dual income relationships require the players to work things out in non-traditional ways.

The result of the conflict is always pent up frustration on my part, because I also have trouble communicating since I was taught that complaining is selfish and whiney. I have spent the greater part of the last year learning to understand my part in this and all I can hope for at this stage is that recognition really is the first step on the road to recovery.

TJ Smith

www.working-with-women.com

Yes, true

unmotivated yet — Tue, 23 Jun 2009 19:57:41 -0500

But what do you do when it hurts to give in? Not just your ego but also your self esteem?

The last I heard "compromise" was a two way street. You can compromise most of the time but resentment sets in. Unless of course as you say both concerned are committed to looking for "solutions that are equally satisfying to both of us".

One way streets lead to only one-way.

I am at a point in my life where I am ready to do the ultimate compromise - letting go. If living with me is not sufficient for you to give in once in a while, then I am willing to make the ultimate compromise - I am letting you go so you can do what you want without having ever to even think of me. I am letting you be yourself. Isnt that what you wanted?

Sorry for the rant but your article caught me on a day where I am one inch away from reaching for my suitcases..............

The Dust Bowl and the truth of the photos

blindedbyblonde — Thu, 26 Mar 2009 00:24:52 -0500

Historians have since clarified some of the dimensions of the
misnamed migration. Numbers are elusive but it is safe to say that
300-400,000 Oklahomans, Texans, Arkansans, and Missourians moved to
California and settled there during the 1930s. This would have been a
significant population transfer in any era but was particularly momentous in
the context of the depression when internal migration rates for other parts
of the country were low and when high unemployment made any kind of
relocation risky.

Distinctive too were certain demographic features of the migrant
population. Whites comprised roughly 95 percent of those moving. African
Americans were well represented in the populations of Oklahoma, Arkansas,
and Texas and some left during the 1930s, but usually for the cities of the
North. It was not until World War II that large numbers of African Americans
would move to the West Coast. Among the migrating whites gender was pretty
evenly balanced and the number of families quite large. A small family
headed by young adults was the most common profile.

Many of the people moving west were not farm folk. At least half
had been living in a town or city and doing some kind of blue-collar or less
frequently white-collar work before unemployment or stories of California
opportunities encouraged them to pack the car and hit the road. Most of
these migrants headed for the cities of California where they usually found
jobs and a decent standard of living in fairly short order. They were the
overlooked half of the illnamed Dust Bowl migration; their urban stories
lost in the concern and fascination that centered on the relocating farm
families who had chosen to look for work in the agricultural valleys of
California.

John Steinbeck and Dorothea Lange created the most memorable
portraits of what some families faced in those areas. Lange toured farm
labor camps in the spring of 1936, snapping photographs of ragged children
and worried parents living in tents and waiting for work. Some were
completely out of funds and food. Her most famous picture, "migrant
mother," showed a gaunt young widow holding her three daughters, her
careworn face suggesting that hope was running out. John Steinbeck wrote a
set of newspaper articles that year depicting in similar terms the desperate
plight of thousands. Then he sat down to write the book that became, three
years later, The Grapes of Wrath. His 1939 fictional account of the
Joad family, who lose their Oklahoma farm to dust and avaricious bankers and
then set out for the California promised land only to find there even
greater challenges and hardships, became an instant classic, the publishing
phenomena of the decade. When Hollywood followed up with an equally
brilliant movie directed by John Ford, the memory of the Dust Bowl migration
was secure. These works of art--by Steinbeck , Ford, Lange, and others--gave
the Joads and their kind a place in American history that would last
indefinitely.

Connection

Britt Bravo — Wed, 18 Feb 2009 13:51:14 -0600

It is great to see you on BlogHer, Dr. Allen!

I'm one of the Contributing Editors to the Social Change section, and am Adriano Bravo's wife.

Lingerie, hands down

avflox — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:19:49 -0600

My understanding about the Victoria's Secret brand is that they're
moving toward a more comfortable approach to sensuality. Ever since
they began reshaping their image, I have found myself less and less
attracted to their products. I like the floss of thongs, feel of
stockings and confining squeeze of corsets. I buy them alone, with only
myself in mind. Sometimes I share them, but usually, they sit in my
closet to be worn some morning when I'm home alone and able to enjoy
them on me.

I have never asked the men I'm with what they think is sexy. To be
perfectly honest, I'm not entirely sure I care. I might suggest I was a
terrible lover, except evidence points to the contrary. It's possible
there is a degree of selfishness in possessing your sexuality. You want
what you want and you're going to find someone who can give it to you
as fast, hard and often as you like. It's here and now or bust, baby.

That or I'm a Scorpio.

My understanding about the

avflox — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:19:12 -0600

That or I'm a Scorpio.

My understanding about the

avflox — Sun, 14 Dec 2008 00:18:32 -0600

My understanding about the Victoria's Secret brand is that they're moving toward a more comfortable approach to sensuality. Ever since they began reshaping their image, I have found myself less and less attracted to their products. I like the floss of thongs, feel of stockings and confining squeeze of corsets. I buy them alone, with only myself in mind. Sometimes I share them, but usually, they sit in my closet to be worn some morning when I'm home alone and able to enjoy them on me.

That or I'm a Scorpio.

Sharing versus Dumping

Candelaria Silva — Mon, 24 Nov 2008 20:02:33 -0600

It's good to know I'm not alone in this. Thanks for yoru comments.

blog.candelariasilva.com

Good and plenty!