- Share This Post
- submit
- 5
-
Sparkle (0)
So this is why you get pregnant again!! Now that my baby has –overnight—become an adventurous and defiant toddler, I look back at photos of him at eight months: all squishy deliciousness, a truly cuddly baby. My 11.5 month-old son, aka "The Ace," is a happy, curious, and extremely social little guy. But we stopped nursing last week, and since then I have realized how much I miss our cuddle time. It seems that now he wants to do his own thing and isn't nearly as needy or in need of me holding him. Instead, he wants to explore, cruise around, "read" his books and play with his toys. I really miss holding and cuddling him! But he just doesn't seem to need me as much. I'm determined to move through it though, so read below for some great ideas about how he and I can move on together.
I combed through discussions online. Many mothers feel sad when they wean, (except Rita Arens, who "wanted her boobs back"), but I have given up on those. I found this letter from mommyblogger, "So The Fish Said", to her 13 month-old baby and started to cry because it captured so well how I feel:
You stopped nursing this month, just quit one day. I tried for a while to get you to go back to it, but you are stubborn and willful and independent and when you set your mind to something it is difficult to divert you. You come by all of these qualities honestly. It was very sad for me when you stopped nursing. I loved that time we spent together, I loved the connection and the few quiet moments out of your busy, busy day. Not nursing has changed you so much, you are much more a little girl now than a baby. I love that you are growing up, that you are making your own decisions. I am proud of you for being strong enough to give up something that was such a major part of all the life you know so far.
Is this cuddling-rebellion normal? I don't want to smother him but I am sad. I posed this question to Ellen Galinsky, the child development expert who has also done path-breaking research on what kids want their parents to know.
Here is what Ellen replied,
“The traditional way of thinking about children's development was seeing it as a straight path from dependence to independence, from an almost fusion-like state with their mothers to becoming separate. But newer studies are painting a very different picture. For example, the studies of Daniel Stern of the University of Geneva reveal that children are born alone and their developmental main task is learning to connect with us—the important people in their lives—in many different ways as they grow up.
When I studied parent development for my book, The Six Stages of Parenthood, it was also clear that every new phase of children and PARENT's growth involves learning new way of separating and new ways of connecting. It is always separating and connecting, separating and connecting.
Stopping nursing is a milestone in your life so no wonder you are sad. Now the task for you is to find new ways of connecting that involve physical connections—playing peek-a-boo, horsey where you bounce your baby as if he was riding a horse, and other games where you can hold him but in ways that respect the drive for being more independent.
In my forthcoming book, Mind in the Making, I frame the important life skills that help us as parents and our children thrive. One of the seven skills I outline is taking on challenges. So amidst your sadness, see yourself and your son as learning to take on challenges—because that is what growth is all about.”
One commenter on Mamapedia summed up my feelings about this first transition to independence:
“Oh, and, yes, you can still snuggle and still have time togheter [sic], but it is not the same. It's sort of like when they lose the baby look, or start pronouncing a word the right way - but you liked it better the baby way! :-) You know it's part of their growing up - but that doesn't make it any easier.”
Then again, as I’m reading in Gail Collins’ amazing America’s Women, in 17th Century New England settlers called their children “it” until kids reached their teens. The mortality rate was simply too high to become too attached. That certainly puts my
