CVC, Or co-parenting with an ex-abuser SUCKS
By survivelivethrive on June 10, 2014
I know it could be worse. I also know I need to stop expecting it to suck, because even though it does, having a crappity crap attitude about it doesn’t help. Or so I tell myself.
Vent alert: looking back, at every juncture where there is a co-parenting “issue,” I can’t think of ONE scenario where the ex has chosen the peaceful route. If there was a button, i.e. “How to make this crap more stressful,” he hits it every time. Let’s call this my CVC, which sounds like a weird STD, but stands for my Cynical View on Co-parenting.
I wish there was an exception to this rule. Honestly, cross my heart. I’d write a sweet blog entry about how this one time or times, how it went smoothly—and thank goodness for that for everyone, especially for the children, because parenting is supposed to be about THEM, and thank goodness for parenting post-divorce and not being a pain in the a$$ about it.
Alas, not the case. Which is why I have my CVC and crappity crap attitude, even though I remind myself not to. It’s not so much a futile wish he will change, because after years of anger explosions and the multitude of apologies that followed and then reliving the cycle over and over, clearly, he hasn’t or maybe, for whatever reason, he can’t (this is probably where I should move to forgiveness but I’m too bogged down with CVC). It’s just, I keep hoping something will happen for him, some revelation, some transformation, for the kids’ sake. Dammit, manipulating them is just not the way to go—it stresses the crap out of them. And it’s also why I do not return the favor, why I never speak ill of him in front of the children, why I always show happiness when they share fun stories about what they did with him, because to not do so hurts them and puts them in the middle and makes them feel responsible for our adult crap. They already feel responsible for his crap, they don’t need to be responsible for mine.
So…this week’s drama—there is a holiday and it follows his custodial evening. He is saying that he gets the holiday, like he would on a Friday or a Monday connected with his week end. I kindly (I promise! No witchy tone or i-told-you-so—I have learned to communicate in a business, emotionless tone, as if writing to a bank teller or utility company) reminded him that holidays such as this are not treated the same way—it’s spelled out succinctly in the decree (thank you, judge for understanding that we needed strict details!), to follow the normal time-sharing schedule.
He has not responded, of course (CVC!). Will he show up with the children at the designated spot? And if he doesn’t, what should I do? My attorney says I could call the cops. And while I understand why she is saying that, I also do not want to add more drama to my children’s lives. Seriously? Go pick them up from his house with the cops? How is that helpful to the kids?
I talked to our third party counselor, who assists with the ‘business’ of parenting—who is good with the ‘traffic,’ i.e. trading time when special events come up. But she is useless when it comes to holding him accountable for his actions, and her advice on this situation is to offer him a “compromise,” kind of standard counseling speak, now that I think of it. And in “normal” situations, this could possibly apply—agree to share the holiday, agree to swap some time.
My situation with an abuser who already has no boundaries and who continually seeks to regain control through lengthy emails and accusatory comments—well, I have been advised by countless experts to hold the line. Keep the boundaries strong. That one of the reasons we have such a detailed court order, is because there is an understanding that rules have to be set for someone like him.
My therapist has told me the third party counselor keeps treating my ex as someone who is “normal,” and has difficulty understanding the dynamics of abuse. I find this to be true. I have learned over the years that I cannot go to the third party counselor with anything beyond logistics, because I cannot trust her to take my concerns seriously or to bring them to my ex without worrying that somehow my children will end up paying the price—i.e. the emotional manipulations will be made apparent to him, he will then take it out on the children for telling me, then the children will become afraid to share their concerns with me.
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