"D-Day" Diagnosis/Devastation Day

i barely slept last night.
i lay in bed wide awake.
sick. worrying. praying.
praying that i'd be able to get through today.
praying that everything would be ok.
 
i just had this feeling.
ive had it once before, in louisiana (when Luke died).
i just knew....
 
i got recker all dressed and we headed to phoenix. when we got there,  we got into see Dr. Robbin Blitz at around 9:30am, she came in with her intern. She asked me to sit next to her by the computer while her intern observed/played with recker. they layed out gymnastic type mats for him to play on, gave him toys and books. I sat there as Dr. Blitz went over his extensive bloodwork that he had done last week. she said there were some very concerning irregularities. i thought, well ok so? she explained that she was concerned that he has something called mitochondrial disease/disorder. she said we need to see the neurologist and that possible he may need a muscle biopsy. then she sat there, went over all of her observations, the 5 tests that recker took, 2 evaluation packets done by me, my mom, and the doctors.
 
she was telling me everything that i didnt want to hear.
i sat there.
i was listening.
i just didnt understand.
this wasnt how his appointment was supposed to go.
 
i just kept telling myself, hold it together i think you may be misunderstanding her. but then she said it. AUTISM. she showed me where he rated on the spectrum. that was hard to see. on a scale of mild to severe, he was moderate to severe.
 
i was just told my baby was autistic.
he is just a baby. 
he is only 16 months old.
i held it together.
i kept telling myself to stay strong.
 
i think i was still in shock. they both looked at me with a puzzled look, like maybe i wasnt getting it. because i didnt react at all. i just sat there staring at the wall. she got up to get me a tissue, which i thought was weird at first. 

THEN IT HIT ME
 
he will never serve a mission. he will never get married. he will never have a family of his own. his life will never be what we thought it would. i finally cried & she sat there with me and went over this whole huge packet she made for me that had information about ASD. by the time i left her office it was after 12:30. i cried all the way to the car. i sat in the car for about 30 minutes sobbing. trying to comprehend how our lives have just changed completely. everything that we had dreamed for him, is gone. i cant explain how it feels to be told something like this about your child. i feel broken. i know that so many people function and live normal lives with children who have Autism, i know about all the resources and who to go to and where to get help. and i know everyone will be so kind and offer advice or suggestions, and i appreciate it, but not now. PLEASE NOT NOW. i could NEVER imagine that its possible to feel this way. that mourning feeling. that feeling of absolute LOSS. "they" say it will go away, but for now, that is all i can feel...NUMB & ROBBED. ROBBED. Ive been robbed. 
 
 
 

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