Dad is dead: Collateral Damage- Family-Death & God
The fall out after dad’s death is happening. I can feel the collateral damage begin to accumulate. Mother fucker.
No doubt after all is said and done, scorched earth will surround many. Not me though.
NOTE TO READER: Google collateral damage and scorched earth. The traditional definition is fitting....
Course my lap top is right in front of me....as I write in my journal. I could look up the words for readers now to cite the definitions. I should. I could. Not yet...
Let me just wait for a few minutes longer. I want to reflect on the last time I ate breakfast here….with dad. May 28, 2012. Plus I am waiting for the Cracker Barrel server to move me to a table with a plug outlet near.
...ok moved. Coffee has been poured. Cream and sugar have been added and turned my coffee to a perfect color of blond – my preference. Lap top is plugged in. Cellular phone also. One ear plug placed in my ear. Now that my *before writing* ritual of sorts is done, I just want to wait for a moment longer so I can listen to the first song on my play list. The playlist I created on the night daddy died.
Course each song on my playlist has meaning. I mean it’s not like I added Sir MixAlot’s song, “I like Big Butts”. If I were going that path then for sure Jimmy Buffet’s Margaretville, needs to be added before some shit like “I like Big Butts.”
There is a reason for my first song, “I Look to You” by Whitney Houston. There is no connection to Whitney and dad. Gladys Knight or Taylor Swift could have recorded the song for all I care. The lyrics of the song say it all...I look to God. God knows it though. Of course, God knows…because God knows everything in my heart. Always has and always will until the day I meet Him in Heaven.
Still, I say it out loud. The first song plays for YOU, Heavenly Father. All Glory to YOU. I have no shame telling the world I am where I am this precise moment in time by Your Grace. There is no way I could have made it through the last ten days without God.
Sadly, I understand all too well what it feels like to walk a dark road without God. No doubt, I would be exactly where I found myself on the morning of July 23, 2009. Silenced...numb... absolute confusion… no idea where to turn…no idea how to pick myself up….broken…. unhinged…. in the deep end….sunk so low not a clue how to begin to rise again. On *that morning* it was all I could do to breathe….and that was a strain.
Today-- if you know me--I mean R.E.A.L.L.Y. know me -especially through these past 3 years- then you know I was not graced with God’s Light overnight. W.O.R.K.
In late 2009 my walk (crawl) was long...in complete darkness. Pain and emptiness consumed every inch of my body until *that night*. That bitter sweet night that I have yet to share my writing with other eyes…maybe bits and pieces here and there, but not everything. I want to preserve *that beautiful night* between God and me a little while longer before I tell it to the world.
For today though….to put emphasis on my point about dad's passing- accumulation of collateral damage – family- death and God I'll share this about *that night*:
“It is my belief that on the night of my surrender I created space within my being for a natural shift in thinking to take place. Soon my priorities started to change as did so many other parts of my life. No, my health did not become perfect over night nor did answers to painful questions occur to me instantaneously. I experienced a gradual adjustment to God’s presence in my thoughts. Everything took time.
When I look back it is clear to me the more I could align my thoughts and feelings with my beliefs about God my spiritual connection started to take shape. In due time, I could feel God more in my conscious as I underwent steps to get well….live. He was (is) never intrusive or controlling, simply lives in me like a breeze on a windy day. God is a whisper in my ear when I am in need of advice or an answer…..like TODAY.”
See family, all roads DO NOT lead to God.
God is not instrumentally everybody’s Father.
He is the Creator of all that is created. There must be an intimate relationship.
God is the Way.
God is Love.
God is Truth.
God is the Light.
In other words, to whom much is given much is required. I give to God every day of my life. He sees me. He watches me. He lives in me.
Daddy is gone. We had peace before he drifted off into his beautiful slumber. We forgave each other...today there is no darkness near my being. I feel the spirit of God’s Light surround me...
It is beautiful. It is warm. It is gentle. It is quiet. It is soothing.
And family, it is because I am of the flesh – weak – still a sinner that God understands my imperfections. Like a father standing beside His young child, I feel His presence beside me with hands on hips, tapping a foot as I slip up, act out…in other words, in those moments I want to live *My Will* instead of *Thy Will*.
And I knowwwwwwww He holds His breath the moment I revert to our family’s horrid *gift of tongue*. I am stunned at my capacity to spew such vile words out of my mouth the moment I am verbally assaulted, ganged up on, scapegoated, lied to, dismissed, thrust aside where our father is concerned-- as though I don’t matter, humiliated, etc. The fuckin’ list goes on and on.
Another thing, to lay a finger on me….touch me during these moments….God help the person and anyone in the way. Expect less? Last week a old high school friend sent me a note; “Strong fathers produce strong daughters!”
Translated: “I am my father's daughter.”
In other words: “Don’t fuck with me." (OOP…. there’s our *family tongue*...such a gift.)
Hypocrite you say as I profess to live in *The Light* yet in the same breath say something so ungodly?" Again, I am of flesh. I am weak. I make mistakes. I am a sinner.
All said, God knows not one day passes that I do not attempt to build for the Glory of Him. Less than is to build in vain. Simply put, a life without God poises a person to be cut off from the power of God. Know this. God’s mercy does not extend into hell once an individual is in there.
Question: Exactly how many *Mulligan's* (Google it) will our family reject?
Did dad not teach us ANYTHING? R.E.A.L.L.Y.?? All for nought?
When God graces an individual with an opportunity to *Do Over* and he or she continue to miss it... the magnitude of *that* individual's *after life* is impacted
It’s easy really….without Christ there is no hope.
My faith and relationship with God does not make me or my life perfect... worry free, without conflict, distress or pain.
My faith and relationship with God allows me to have wisdom....
feel God's Light.... experience His peace and His grace as I press on....live my life and mourn my daddy’s death.
And not one person in my family can take this away from me. And if it were possible to take it away, I am sadly certain efforts would be made to do so.
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