Dancing with the Stars Recap: The Top 5 and, Well, I Give Up!

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America, what are you thinking?

Yes, the last two weeks have been scandalous, by DWtS standards, as two stronger dancers went (Audrina and Rick) while two weaker dancers stayed (Bristol and Kurt).

I'd like to say it's clear who will go this week, but let's face it: What do I know? I can only tell you who *should* go.

This week, the couples had to dance two routines, one ballroom, and one Latin...further complicated by the introduction of the "Instant Song" feature. Meaning: After each couple finished their Ballroom round, they pulled a song out of a hat and then had about 30-40 minutes to rehearse their routine with the song they'd never heard before.

The most interesting thing about this was learning that this is essentially what happens when you see those group ballroom competitions. The couples know the dance, but not the song until it starts. I did not know that, did you?

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So, first: The Ballroom Round:

1. Kyle and Lacey danced the Viennese Waltz

Sorry...every season there must be one dancer that both the judges and America seems to love that I just don't get. This season it is Kyle. I thought his arms looked terrible, and I thought the routine mostly consisted of Lacey spinning around. Not enough for me. The judges begged to differ, and so I'm left thinking he'll be safe yet again.

2. Jennifer and Derek danced the Quick Step

More drama about her crumbling body. Jeez, people, she's only three years older than me ... see what I have to look forward to! It used to be that they had to be 70 or 80 for them to go on and on about how old a contestant was. No more. 50 is the new 70, apparently. But with all that build-up, destined to have you cringing at every step Jennifer took: She, they and the routine were all adorable. I'm back to thinking this is hers to lose.

3. Kurt and Anna danced the Waltz

I get that Kurt is handsome...and there is always one persistent, dedicated underdog (read: lesser dancer) that sticks around way longer than their skill should dictate. This is his season to be that dancer. This was nice and harmless and inoffensive...and not Top 5 material. Can he be safe another week?

4. Bristol and Mark danced the Argentine Tango

Well, I have to say this was indeed her best dance yet. She's really not bad technically. When she hits her steps, she hits her steps. They looked good. (Of course she's been the most likely to simply forget her steps, but that's another kettle of fish.) She didn't really have the full intensity or spirit of the dance, but she was trying really hard, and I almost bought it. Almost.

5. Brandy and Maks danced the Waltz

And there was nothin' wrong with that. Lovely all the way around. This is going to be a Jennifer v. Brandy smackdown for the mirror ball trophy...it's gotta be, right?

Then, second: The Instant Latin Round:

1. Kyle and Lacey pulled the song "Good Golly Miss Molly" for their Jive routine

This was fast and furious and pretty damn impressive. Enough so that he looked like he was going to die at the end...way to leave it on the floor! He seemed a tiny bit out of control some of the time, but all in all, liked it way better than his Waltz.

2. Jennifer and Derek pulled the song "I've Been Waiting for a Girl Like You" for their Rumba routine

Wow. As I said a little earlier: Nothin' wrong with that. Gorgeous.

3. Kurt and Anna pulled the song "Hella Good" for their Cha Cha routine

Listen, he does try hard, and he does exceed expectations. But those are not the descriptors of a champion. Not even for something as cheesy as the mirror ball trophy. OK? He's just not at the same level.

4. Bristol and Mark pulled the song "Mas Que Nada" for their Samba routine

Only good when she was just freestyle shimmying and shaking. Otherwise: Quite bad. Again: not at the same level folks.

5. Brandy and Maks pulled the song "Teenage Dream" for their Cha Cha routine

I totally agree with Carrie Ann: What the hell was up with it taking 20 seconds to even get started? The routines aren't that long. They didn't even have any business going on...they were just kind of standing there waiting for the right beat to come in on. it was a lame beginning. But it fine once it got going...although a bit self-satisfied in demeanor, if that makes sense...not open and joyous.

Bottom Line for the Bottom Two

From a dance perspective, it should be Kurt and Bristol in the Bottom Two. From an entertainment perspective, Kyle is an acceptable replacement. But if Brandy or Jennifer end up there...America has lost their minds!!!

And I'd, personally, send Kyle home...I don't enjoy watching him that much, but from a dance perspective it should be Bristol.

What do you think?

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