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So a couple of times before in my blog www.mummydiaries.com.au I’ve bellyached about my sexless marriage. Ok that phrase is probably a bit dramatic but you could say that after having Connor we haven’t quite gotten back into the swing of things. It’s not for lack of wanting it’s just that we are both pretty tired and probably both feeling a little unsexy.
Mum if you are ready this sorry..continue on at your own risk.
I decided that enough was enough and I needed to put a stop to the platonic relationship that had developed between myself and the man love. At first I thought we were fine but after a conversation (or what I know refer to as the FART-ver-sation) Scott and I had on Sunday, I realised we were up sex-less creek without a paddle.
I walked through the front door after running up to the shops to buy some groceries to find him sitting on the floor in front of the fax.
ME: “Hi what are you up to?”
HIM: Lets out a massive fart. HUGE. “Nothing”
ME: “Do you really think that’s ok to do? I mean do you really think that’s romantic?”
HIM: “um..”
I then proceeded to go on a half an hour rant about the lack of romance in our lives. Not lack of sex but romance. You know the stuff that leads to sex if a man does it correctly. The romance stuff that women who haven’t devoted 10 years of their life and ..oh say their womb to a man, seem to get from their boyfriends. Flowers, dinner, champagne blah, blah, blah. “And incidentally” I enquired. “When was the last time you organised a babysitter and planned a romantic dinner for me as a surprise?” As you can imagine the response I was met with was an uncomfortable look that screamed “Please can I just go back to sitting on the floor and farting?”
Realising I was going to get no joy harassing my clueless man-love I decided to take matters into my own hands. I called my sister and organised for her babysit one night this week so we could go for dinner at a swish restaurant. (The last time we tried this it was a complete disaster..food the size of a speck of a crumb and a late night stop at Coles for ice cream to soothe our hungry aching bellies. But that’s a story for another day..). Then I trotted off to the lingerie department.
Ok now let me get one thing straight. Women who bang on about making an effort, having a date night, jumping back in the sack the minute your hoo-haa feels remotely normal again pee me off! That’s right. Shut up I don’t want to imagine you swanning around the house in your french maid’s outfit in front of your hubby while your 8 week old baby lay sleeping in his crib. GET NORMAL. Anyway...that said..
So $115 later, I exit the lingerie shop with 2 positively delightful outfits. (I managed to ward off the sales assistant’s efforts to dress me in bright red and leopard and left unscathed with a sexy slip and bra and knicker set.)
Right..now I’ve got an outfit for our date night and an extra one for tonight. After the kids are asleep, I will float down the stairway in my new Uber-sexy slip and become mummy-sexy-supreme. He won’t know what’s hit him hehe..
NOTE TO SELF: Do not plan sexy evening on day of 5 month old’s vaccinations.
Yes thats right - rookie move if I ever had one. By 9pm Connor was running a fever of 37.6, had vomited on me 3 times, including once in between my toes (squelch) and I was now in the car driving him around the block trying to lull him off to sleep. Meanwhile back at Rancho-no-sexo, Scott was trying his best to get Noah into his own bed, who for the first time in like 2 years had decided that tonight he absolutely, definitively had to sleep in mummy and daddy’s bed.
By 10pm, Scott and I fell into bed - no not onto each other but into one very deep slumber..maybe next time hey?
Till next time lovers!
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