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The Fit4Love dating coaching program I'm participating in is a combination of practical and online assignments. I've been having fun with the flirting assignment; this online one is more serious and more emotional.
My task this time was to identify the positive and negative characteristics of my ex and other previous relationships. Then my coach asked me what I had learned from the exercise.
First, I had to remind myself that this wasn't a graded assignment and that the goal wasn't to get an A but I already know what this says about me ;)
It was much easier to list all the negatives about my ex than to come up with positives. I wished it wasn't so but she reassured me that this was typical. I guess if it was the other way round, we might still be married.
I also told my coach that since the relationships before my marriage were all from twenty years ago it was hard for me to separate fact from wishful thinking so I responded to the questions more along the lines of what positive characteristics would I wish for. It's not a graded assignment so it's OK to reword the questions!
We got into a discussion about how much of my ex's negative characteristics were in response to my own behavior, mainly around the whole area of communication. Again, no right or wrong answer here except to realize that partners do feed off each other and it can lead to a downward spiral. The take away is to recognize when that starts happening and to work to break the cycle.
Then my coach asked me what was I holding onto from my marriage. I'm not sure if something I said prompted this or if it's a standard question but I knew the answer: I haven't forgiven myself for our divorce. It was something I had talked about with one of my interviewees and I had said then how I have struggled with this.
Somewhere along the way, I felt it was pointless sharing my true feelings with my husband because when I started a conversation he would turn it around to be about him. So I stopped communicating. Eventually, when I could no longer stay married and found the courage to tell him I needed to end our marriage, it was too late for him, for us, to do anything to rescue our relationship. I keep wondering what would have happened if I'd spoken up sooner or louder. Was I honest with him? Was I honest with myself?
I still blame myself that our marriage didn't last. Much of that comes from being a "responsible person." I could go back to my school report cards (and yes, I do still have them!) and find praise from teachers for being "responsible." Growing up, my parents both worked and it was my job to cook dinner each evening. I was responsible. I'm a middle child - somehow I saw myself as peacekeeper between my siblings. I was responsible. In my marriage, I was the breadwinner. I was responsible. I feel responsible, not just myself but for others.
I want to hear my ex tell me he forgives me for ending our marriage, that he understands why I felt I had no choice but I'm scared to ask him not only because he might not forgive me but because that would break the boundary I've set for our civil relationship. I don't want to feel that dependency again.
I know this doesn't make much sense because he played his part too. What his role was and what my role was are inseparable. I know this. I know I have to let it go. So why is it that I still have not forgiven myself?
My coach's advice was that only I can relieve myself of the feeling of responsibility of our marriage, after all it was me who took that on. She suggested a 21-day affirmation practice. Every morning and every evening I'm to look at myself in a mirror, look at my eyes and say that I unconditionally accept myself and unconditionally forgive myself; the past is over, the future yet imagined, today is all there is.
I know I'm going to feel weird doing this, but I committed to doing this program 100 percent so I'm going to do it and do it sincerely. I know that experts say
