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I’ve been absolutely petrified at the very idea of moving on, of throwing my hat in the ring. Dating. Wow. I haven’t been touched by another man in many years, save for a guy that stole a kiss from me and almost made me vomit, simply because he wasn’t my husband.
I was never a dater to begin with – playing the field never appealed to me. I’d see something I wanted and I’d get it. And keep it, until I didn’t want it anymore. I’m a relationship person, a one man woman, someone that thrives in committed relationships and would go bat shit crazy if I had to deal with man juggling or infidelity. Now, the idea of dating, with two children and a 6 year relationship in my past seems more hassle than it’s worth.
My self esteem is fluctuating. Ask me on a good day, and I have plenty to offer a man. I’m smart and beautiful and compassionate and kind. Ask me on a bad day and I’m fat, unaccomplished, moody and damaged. I have so many issues that I need to work through both from being in a twisted, volatile, completely messed up relationship for so long, and also just from growing and figuring out who I am as a woman.
I’ve never dealt with real rejection before. I married young, at 18, and at that time I felt like I had the right to be choosy in my partners. I was shallow and vain. My body was still taut, 70 pounds lighter than it is now and not ravaged by pregnancy (stretch marks) or childbirth (cesarean scar). I was young and healthy and full of potential. I’ve half seriously joked in the past that I’m destined to be single and celibate forever once I’m officially divorced. For a while, I really thought that to be true. I was steeling myself to be content with a lonely life, dedicated to my daughters and whatever career path I chose. Recently I’ve decided, quite simply – fuck that.
I may not be where I should be or could be in life, capable of nothing really right now but pushing children on swings and making kick ass peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, but that doesn’t mean I won’t get there. Just a bit late. I may not be the looker I once was, and I may never get back that way but so what? There are men out there that aren’t so superficial that I need to be perfect again for them to get it up. I deserve to be loved again, I mean really loved, and to be a healthy, fulfilling relationship with someone that loves me back and has no baggage or ulterior motives. I want that.
I realize that having not one, but two children puts a damper on things. I haven’t met many men that want women with children already, or are able or willing to appreciate a package deal, at least not any that don’t have children themselves. For them to be able to put me first, and me being unwilling to do the same may not be possible, and I don’t fault a man for that. My decisions must always be made for their best interests, not my own or my partner’s and I don’t think it’s wrong for someone not to be able to handle that.
I have to be extremely careful to not disrupt the lives of my daughters any more than they already have been. Introducing a new man into their lives won't happen anytime soon, and my ex and I have discussed exactly how we'll handle that when the time comes. I have to let a guy into my life completely and trust him fully before I'll risk him being around my girls for a multitude of reasons, not the least of which being that you can't be too careful and I watch a whole lot 'To Catch a Predator' and it's freaky how normal those guys look right?
I don’t like children myself. I love my own - I mean they’re awesome - but I prefer to admire cute children from afar. I’ve tried the step-mom thing and I’m no good at it. So, I’ll need a single man with no children of his own that accepts the fact that I have two but isn't a pervert. OH!, and he must be ok with probably never having any of his own because I’ve had a
