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His name is Brian. He lives in New York City and works as an intern at BBH. He's been tasked with making something famous -– anything. As it happens, Brian hasn't had much romance since moving to the Big Apple, so he decided to take the Jakob and Julia approach and kill both birds with one stone –- with a healthy dose of The Bachelor-style edge. Essentially, he's made a YouTube video explaining he is going to go on 30 dates in 30 days and made a site where women can drop their info for him to select from and schedule.
The morning that the story broke on Mashable, I got an e-mail from my editor here asking if I could impart any dating advice to the 23-year-old. This e-mail happened to tumble into my inbox on the same day that I was engaged in another e-mail thread with a girlfriend who was having some issues with her boyfriend and who'd sought me out because, well, I write about this stuff –- I must know something about relationships.
I do know something about relationships. I know that I've had a few of varying degrees of commitment and intensity. I know that they hurt when they end, even when you know they should. I know that often it is better to leave than it is to settle. I know you should be clear about what you expect, but be aware people change and these expectations may change with them over time.
But do I know anything about dating?
I thought I didn't. I even made a joke to a friend when we spoke on the phone that getting dating advice from me was much like asking the Dalai Lama for fashion advice. But that very evening, something remarkable occurred: I received a text message from a man I'd just met -- at 11:33PM.
All right, perhaps that's not entirely remarkable given the times. What made it remarkable was my reaction: I was horrified.
Mind you, being mistress of my own schedule and generally being more inspired during the night means I keep some strange hours, so I do certainly send messages late. But I have never done so with someone I have just met unless the conversation via text message is ongoing or I know the person more intimately, say via the web.
It got me thinking about common courtesy. And the more I thought about courtesy, the more I realized that half of the unfortunate circumstances we encounter in dating could be avoided if we as a culture still had some sense of it.
JUST ASK
Brian has completely bypassed what may be one of the most challenging parts of dating by making this into a campaign. The benefit here is that the exposure he gets will reach more women and that may increase his chances of finding one he likes. The downside, of course, is that it feels less genuine, which may cause women to hesitate –- not to mention that the probability of gaining a level of notoriety may attract the wrong sort of woman altogether. I will come back to this in a minute because I do think some things beyond the Internet tie in here, such as the notion of dating for status or gain.
But first, let's say you don't have a YouTube video on Mashable or a website where you can take in women's information and screen them for the purpose of arranging a dating marathon.
Traditionally, we counted on friends, relatives and organizations to meet other people. Nowadays, we have the Internet and social media which can enable us to reach a greater number of people. I like social media outlets (note: not dating sites), because they enable us to connect with a person and get to know them in a less contrived way. We can see spontaneous status updates, candid photos and things they're working on, little things that put together give a much more complete image of a person than a dating profile ever could.
Interacting with someone on a social network can help them become familiar with you even if you have only met once or twice, and give occasion for a date. For example, I discuss operas and symphonies on Twitter sporadically, and have on occasion mentioned my favorite. After some interaction with a man, a direct message from him asking me whether I might accompany him is nearly impossible to resist. Why? Because it
