Dating Deal Breakers: What Merits an Automatic Dismissal?

If he doesn't admire in me what I admire about myself and vice versa, then it's a deal breaker.  It's an idea I got by reading Hayden Dane's brief book on compatibility. Really opened my eyes to what is important to find in a date, especially if you're looking to turn that date into a relationship.

I think it took me a while to love myself enough to have actual dealbreakers. Previously, I was ridiculously accomodating and accepting that you could hardly say I was having a "relationship" with someone else. Having said that, there were a few men I dismissed early on for various reasons. For one, I won't date a cigarette smoker because I've already dated three of them; contrary to popular opinion, it wasn't the cigarettes that bothered me, but the attitude, the behavior. I realized early on that I was always going to place second, at best. I couldn't sit and enjoy the movie credits because he'd have to head out for a light. That's a problem for me.

Another thought he was too good to ever work as a janitor. My family's fairly well off but both of my parents have had to climb up the ladder and work hard. Neither had much of a post-secondary "career". Even though I want a good career that I love (and of course it goes without saying I want the same for whomever I'm with), I'd like to think that if times got tough we'd both do whatever it would take to keep a roof over our heads, food on the table,  you get the picture. I'm not too good for anything and I can't be with someone who believes they somehow deserve more than the next.

Poor manners, awful hygiene, uneducated/unintelligent, unemployed, no ambition, low self-esteem, perenially depressed/cynical/pessimistic, doesn't like warm weather or the beach (I do and hope to continue to travel to exotic locales -- and certainly not alone), disrespectful, doesn't know how to behave in a restaurant, won't pay for me at least some of the time, uncommunicative, passive-aggressive, still lives at home for no valid reason, etc.

I've been with my co-conspirator since January and it's been great. Some might say we moved quickly (we moved in together after just under eight months), but we knew as soon as we started dating that we wanted to be together, that we were a good fit, that we made each other happy. Not much has changed since. Oddly enough, he was the first man I dated after I told myself I'd no longer settle, that I'd voice any problems and confront any issues head-first instead of letting them blow up regardless of the consequences. It seems I started getting what I wanted as soon as I allowed myself to matter and perceived myself as a valuable partner in a business instead of as just the girlfriend.

Growing up we were taught that if someone behaved inappropriately, the first course of action was to ignore. If the behavior persisted, however, swift action was to be taken to correct it. This action is never diplomatic.

I don't know if it's the medical marijuana suppliers on every block, but in this city, you don't encounter too many situations where you have to correct someone's behavior. I only encountered it once.

I was on a date with a man--date two or three--at a poolside lounge when a man who was obviously intoxicated came up and tried to have us removed from the place because my date didn't want to take his photo. I immediately took a step back and lit a cigarette, awaiting my date's assertion of alphaness.

Violence is tacky unless it's consensual and happening in my bedroom. But oh, boy, sometimes, situations call for a duel, just like old times. And this was one such situation.

Only instead of telling the drunk man to stop or be stopped, and swiftly incapacitating him, my date asked him over and over again why he was asking to have us thrown out. Didn't he like him? He was nice! He didn't want to offend! It was cool! It was all good! Be my friend!

My date didn't only fail the alpha test, deferring to the small drunk man, he also subjected me to twenty minutes of doing shots with the loser and his friends, who commented, over and over again how angry I looked the whole time. The most embarrassing part was that they knew why I was upset. They apologized for the behavior of their friend, but they seemed apologetic about the fact that I was with a guy who couldn't get his alpha on.

Later my date asked me if I thought he was a pussy and confessed he wasn't one for fights.

I was diplomatic and told him he had behaved diplomatically.

But he came down 18 pegs for that one. Call me backward but you gotta be able to put up a fight. I weigh 100 pounds. I've disarmed a man twice my size and outwit a knife at my throat. If you're bigger than I am, you better be able to show more for it than diplomacy. A hell of a lot more. Not all the time, but when called for. That's all I'm saying.

If a man asks me on the first date and he doesn't have an idea of what we'll be doing or if he suggests a place that is just nothing like me, I tend to disqualify instantly.

Waiting for me to suggest immediately says to me he has no imagination and/or is a sexual submissive, which is an instant no-go.

If he suggests somewhere I can't tolerate, we're obviously fundamentally incompatible and/or he hasn't bothered to pay any attention to anything I have said or shared on social media profiles (which is how I do most of my dating).

The way I see it is: a first date location is a projection of their idea of an impressive place, or at least somewhere they're comfortable going. It is as telling as what they say and how they eat (oh, yes, I judge on manners, too).

Only once have I not observed the Location Rule--during a very brief period of "maybe I'm a snob, I should be more inclusive" acceptance. A man asked me out and suggested happy hour at some horrid little hole in the wall bar where people drink out of plastic cups and puke like adolescents. I didn't want to be a jerk, but there was no way I was going to that place, so I responded that he was cute and I'd see him at a nice little lounge, mostly frequented by adults, in a nice neighborhood. He showed up and he was dressed like, well, a hole in the wall bar-going guy who drinks out of plastic cups and probably pukes like an adolescent.

I think that where we tend to spend our time is a reflection of who we are. I'm a quiet, dark lounge girl who likes jazz and coffee. He's a loud, bright bar guy who likes two-dollar margaritas and the top 40. And the idea that I was a sex columnist, though he'd obviously not read anything I had ever written.

Mind you, I love sex, but if you're planning on doing me, there is no way I'm telling you how. You have to be man enough to read me and get that figured out by yourself. The advise I dispense is for the hopeless. A man who'd find himself in my bed is not, in any way, shape, or form, in that category.

Of course, I'd known I would sexually eat him for breakfast from the moment he had suggested that sad little bar. Call it location-based instinct. On top of basic location disparity, I also tend to think less of men that invite women to places where alcohol is cheap--it says to me that they need a woman to be inebriated--or worse, themselves to be inebriated--to get down. And I don't do down unless everyone is right there, pushing boundaries and giving in while they're entirely in their faculties. I only do sloppy sex when it's sloppy on purpose.

I went in knowing all this based simply on where he'd suggested to meet me. But you know what people say! Don't be an asshole! You never know who you'll meet if you drop your snobby little standards!

You know what, Zandria? Those people can kiss my assets.

I'd rather miss The One (doing Jell-O shots at a stinky little bar) than spend a lifetime humoring people I've nothing in common with in places that make up one of my mental images of a sphere in Dante's Inferno. I have better things to do: friends whom I adore to spend time with, amazing books to read, nails to get manicured, fabulous restaurants to try...

I am a snobby, difficult, cranky bitch. It will take one hell of a man to impress me and keep me. I welcome most contenders, but my time and their time is valuable, so I will make it easy for everyone by setting near-impossible standards so we all figure out really fast whether there's a chance in hell.

Yeah, it was an epic fail.

While you'd like for your guy to impress you on the first date, you certainly don't want him to pretend to be someone he's not.  Because that's misleading.  A great first date should be a prevew of things to come, not a great date that will likely never happen again!

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

That's exactly the point.

Like my man Swayze said in Road House ( http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0098206/ ).. "Be Nice... Until it's time to NOT be nice".

Your thinking isn't backwards at all.  The real question in that scenario is "If not now... When?".

How serious did things have to get before he was willing to defend himself?  How much is he willing to take before he'll be "one for fights"?  The problem for YOU is that YOU might be the one paying the costs while he's deciding to be a pacifist.  What's he gonna do if some guy grabs your ass or starts feeling you up when you're out on a date WITH HIM?  Apparently nothing.  I'm sure that's decidedly UNsexy to women who expect a guy to stand up for them AT LEAST as much as their girlfriends would if THEY were all out together.

I'm not saying he should have fought the guy... especially if he felt like he would have lost the fight.  What he SHOULD have done was make sure that YOU felt comfortable and out of harm's way.  If he wasn't going to defend himself (or you), being "not one for fights", he should have escorted you somewhere with better security or a higher police presence.

There's nothing wrong with leaving if you feel like you're about to take a short.  On top of that, he basically 'made you' socialize with people (or at least one person) that you thought was a jerk.  How's that supposed to get him points on a date?  Lame. :/

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

Agreed!

Once you assess that the person is a good fit, you can go all kinds of crazy places together. But that first round? That matters.

This is why it's important for them to impress within their boundaries. My ex-husband took me to an opera on one of our first real dates. Later, I found out he hated opera. That's kind of unfair. Like--if I'd stuffed my bra. It's not really a huge deal, but what you're seeing is not what you're getting. For the entirety of my marriage, I didn't get to attend a single opera with my partner. And I would have liked that.

I love that you know what you want.  I tend to be the type that's more accommodating.  I don't mind going to a fancy place or a whole-in-the-wall (although depending on the place, person, or situation, I might certainly have a better time at one type of place than another).

But I can see your point that a guy should be looking to impress you on the first date.  Hell, he should be looking to impress you on MANY dates.  And also vice versa.  I mean, if I'm dressing my best and looking to impress, shouldn't he as well?

You may eliminate a lot of people when you have certain standards, but there's also less wasted time.

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

I'd much rather have someone stand up for me and confront someone who is being an ass, rather than try to make friends with him.  I'm not saying he should become unnecessarily violent or rude, but you can certainly tell start by telling the person firmly and authoritatively to back the hell off.

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

Yes, I did tell that story last year, and I agree with what you said.  I hope that if I'd had a guy with me who wanted to leave because of that reason, that I wouldn't have gotten upset.  I don't think I would have, though -- I'm usually pretty good at recognizing when a guy is being protective vs being an ass.  :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

Leadership isn't usually an issue, especially in the sticks.

Someone told me about a situation where he was out to dinner with his wife and he had stepped away from the table, and some younger dude walked over to his wife and tried to rap to her.  She showed him her ring, and he was like "so what?" and kept trying to get on.  Before the husband came back, the guy went back to his table and he and his friends had a good laugh over the situation.  This happened in the sticks (not a big city).

When the husband came back, she told him what had happened and even though he was upset about it, he didn't go say anything to the guys, however, he let his woman go say something to them.  There were a couple of people at the table with them that were about the husband and wife's ages.

The wife went up to the table full of guys and "gave them a piece of her mind".  I told him that that had been a stupid thing for him to let happen.  He disagreed.  I then asked him "ok... What if they had slapped the **** out of your wife, since you let her walk up within striking distance to a group of men while you were sitting back at your table? O_o".

His response was "That would never have happened because blah blah blah".  That's all well and good in the sticks.  In the city, a chick will get slapped with the quickness, whether it's by some "uncivilized" guy or by another woman.  Sending your woman (or date, or whatever) to the front lines of a potential beef is a stupid move, because if something happens to her, then you're going to feel like jumping in it yourself and you have a problem for nothing.

The correct responses would have been either to have her NOT walk up to those guys at all or for her man to walk up to the guys WITH her or INSTEAD of her.  These things don't occur to people that have never seen women get manhandled in the street.  Since I *HAVE* seen women (and men) get physically assaulted for approaching the wrong people and saying the wrong things, I'm going to suggest a different course of action if a situation like that arises.

This is where leadership comes in.  She's either going to trust me that she doesn't want to start a problem or she's going to do her own thing and let the chips fall where they may.  Since I go out on the town to have a good time and not problems, a chick like that has to GO, because she's going to drag me into something I don't want to deal with and that isn't my problem at all, but the guys she's riffing with might MAKE IT my problem.

Having said that, if we've determined that SHE has the lead in a situation, I'm going to back her play.  What's NOT going to happen is that we're not going to be on the same page and know who needs to defer to whom when split-second decisions need to be made without questioning or hesitation.

Again, this isn't usually an issue in most people's lives.  Most people live around people that aren't going to strike a woman no matter what she says or does, so they never have to deal with situations like this.

*EDIT*: As a matter of fact, I believe it was *YOU* who told a story about going out on Halloween in a miniskirt or something and getting some male attention you didn't want.  There are situations like that where a guy might have been with you and told you "We need to leave right now", and you might have told him "no" and that you were having a good time, blah blah blah.  Meanwhile, the guy's seeing that other guys are paying you too much attention and they might decide to cause a problem.

There might not be time for him to explain to you what's going on.  You might have to trust him and make moves so that neither one of you has a problem that evening.

If, OTOH, you know the people at the party and you're confident that everything's cool, he needs to listen to *you* and keep enjoying himself.

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

- Lived on the other side of a bridge (so "geographically undesirable", I hear that)

- Still had an aol.com email address in 2008

- Made a point of never paying for me (to the extent of telling a bartender, "no, I'm not paying for her drink, don't put it on my tab")

- Didn't walk me to public transit at 11 pm in a not-super-great part of town (he stayed at the bar instead -- charming)

- Talked loudly during the trailers at a movie, then said, "oh, you're one of THOSE people" when I shushed him

- Refused to stop using the silly nicknames I didn't want to be called

-- Jeanne - The Periodic Elements of Style: http://periodicstyle.blogspot.com

My new deal breaker is that I will NEVER allow myself to be on the phone with a dude for all of BlogHer Con EVER AGAIN.  Thanks for the reminder!  And yes, if a guy thought I was brilliant, I guess I wouldn't try to make him think differently.  :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

"Fierce independence" can sometimes be a turn-off, that's true.  But I like to think that those people who are cool enough to be independent are strong enough to hold out until they find exactly the right person who appreciates it!

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

I'd actually never thought about it like that.  But your preference for one of the two people in a couple to "be the leader" could definitely be considered a deal breaker.  If both people like to lead, that could contribute to a lot of head-butting.  :)

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

The only problem is when those "issues" surface later, and you end up looking past things that you probably shouldn't.

Personal blog: Zandria.us ( http://www.zandria.us ) BlogHer blog: Singles/Fitness ( http://blogher.com/blog/zandria )

better be a guy who makes you be on the phone during all of BlogHer Con. And one who doesn't recognize your brilliance. :-)

~Denise BlogHer Community Manager
Flamingo House Happenings ( http://www.flamingohouse.net/ )

I like to consider myself a strong woman, a lovely trait that can sometimes have negative repercussions.  Fierce independence can often lead to isolation when it comes to relationships.  The first thing I looked for in a guy was a confidence that emanated from the core.  I'll never forget when I was challenged head on by my date (now the man I'm married to).  He had the self esteem to recognize when he had a right to assert himself.  It was the first time I ever felt really safe with a guy.  Bizarre, eh?

And, oh, a first-date oust = a man who gazes over my shoulder at the next table's temptations.  Eeeeeeeeeew!

http://www.thecluelesscrafter.com/

The first two questions I asked my husband as a litmus test when he first showed signs of interest in me (or when I finally were sure that he was interested): 1. Did you belong to a fraternity? 2. Have you ever been to Asia for an extended period of time?/Have you dated a woman of Asian descent?  He answered NO to both.  I admit I based the first question on stereotypes of frat boys from the movies/TV shows.  Yes, I am a Fraternist. No apology there.  The second question was necessary because I am Asian, and I have seen enough Western men (regardless of skin colors) with "yellow fever" to be alarmed. If he were into me JUST (or even, first and foremost) because I am Asian. Then sorry, not into that.  I have also seen enough white boys being totally spoiled in Asian countries thinking they are the cat's meow to want to weed out, or at least be super cautious towards, anybody that has spent a lot of time over there.  

My other deal-breakers are more normal: RUDE to people in the service industry, e.g. waiters, doormen.  Failure to hold doors open for others.  Ok, maybe not so normal. I consider these to be telltale signs for a person's character.  

submom

Trying to stay under the radar so I may speak my mind. 

When i was living in the US - i went on a million dates, well it felt like a million dates.

Usually the first thing i would always look for was the guys eyebrows! yes you read it right, eyebrows. I can't stand guys who have one big eyebrow- please men of the world shave or pluck between those eyebrows :)

apart from the eyebrows there were so many little picky things that would make me dismiss them automatically- pointy ears, long fingernails, small feet(you know what i mean girls) the list was endless.

I soon realised that i was going in to these dates with pre-conceived ideas rather than giving the men a chance. In the end i found mr right in the UK, and thankfully he has 2 eyebrows :)

so my advice for what its worth is go with an open mind- you can always change them if needed!

Rachel from seo consultants ( http://www.wiredflow.com ) now living happily married in the UK. xxx

I have a slightly different perspective from most of the country, because I'm from New York City.  A chick can get you in A. LOT. OF. TROUBLE. here in a split second.

If you look at the recent Hofstra incident ( http://abclocal.go.com/wabc/story?section=news/loc... ), if those boys hadn't videotaped the sex they had with that girl (which caused her to recant and admit that she had sex with them consensually), they'd still be up on charges right now and the country would still see them as predators and criminals.

If you're hanging out with a gal and she decides to start a confrontation with another guy, the odds are that he's going to come after YOU instead of HER, when you had nothing to do with any of it.

I have another gazillion examples, but a leader has to be chosen in a dating situation.  If it's HER?.. FINE! :D  More power to her.  If I'm feelin' her like that, I'm ready to back her play.  If it's ME, then she has to follow instructions.  Sometimes, there's a very small window of opportunity for effective action.  If I say "We're leaving right now", that means I don't have time to explain to you WHY we're leaving.  You need to trust that I know what I'm doing and have your best interests and safety at heart and make moves when I say so.

If I can't trust that she and I are a unit and on the same page, regardless of whom the leader is, it's way too stressful for me to have a good time and it's an absolute dealbreaker.

SSSSSSSSSEEYA! :D

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

"but feeling not good in your gut is not good."

Your last sentence said it all. I know a guy here who loves flaunting his women to his colleagues, and obviously, he does not respect the girls in the least (and FYI, his date keeps changing every couple of months)! You would be surprised that some girls don't care and continue to date such guys no matter how disrespectful they are to them. Of course this has probably to do with the fact that such "Casanovas" are usually guys with fat pockets and posh jobs, and the women are usually….well you guessed it, not from a well-to-do financial background!

I have a little different view altogether: if a woman does not have the self-respect to dump such a guy way before HE dumps her, she does not deserve respect either! Of course, not all women are like that, but many are.

Martha Jones

It's not so much what merits an automatic dismissal, as what you personally couldn't live with, and how it makes you feel. As you said, it's probably different for everyone, but (as a comparatively old lady) both parties should look forward to seeing each other. Who the hell yells on a first date? How disrespectful. I dated a guy who turned up late and drunk for all of our two dates. He was good looking, funny, friendly, great job, didn't mind if I phoned him first, but obviously didn't care enough about me to not make me feel ridiculous. Thank heavens I saw the light.

The person you're dating should not only make you feel great, but should feel great about seeing you. If there are "issues" to be worked out it's probably better that you let your guy work them out with someone else. Dating (and possibly love), is meant to be fun - and lovely. If they're not treating you like, well a princess (and you should be treating him like a prince), just leave it. That's not to say that shy people shouldn't be given the chance to warm up and get to know you, but feeling not good in your gut is not good.