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I take a long drag of my cigarette and look down on the sea of lights of Hollywood. To my right, a man has just exited the restaurant. He inquires of a woman sitting on a bench by the doors whether she has seen his date. She points to the gardens and says his date's gone on a tour with a group of people and he may catch up with them if he follows the steps down.
The man stands in place awkwardly, assessing the situation. I look away with mild embarrassment.
I've written before about the proper way to go about dating for men, but they're not the only ones who date, and as such, it would be an abrogation of my responsibility for the general well-being of our relationships if I were to ignore that we women do also have a certain code to which we should adhere.
Frankly, leaving your date without letting him know where you are going (or taking a tour without inviting him to come along) so he is forced to inquire after you (and chase after you in the dark) is simply appalling behavior. Particularly at a formal event.
I don't think of etiquette as stifling -- I think it's the hallmark of civilized living. Boil down all the rules you can think of and you will find one simple truth that unites them: etiquette is about being considerate of other people. That's what it comes down to -– and it goes for women as much as it does for men.
A few months ago I attended an awards show after which several friends and colleagues in attendance got together for dinner. It wasn't a formal dinner, just a bunch people in the same industry decompressing from the travails of a red carpet event.
I was seated at the head of the long table, which gave me a vantage point over the rest of the group. Over the course of dinner, I couldn't help but notice my friend James trying to remain composed as his date, Jessica, a woman he'd recently started seeing and whom he had invited to the awards show, animatedly discussed something with the man beside her.
Noting James' discomfort, I tried my best to avoid looking at the interaction on that side of the table, but found it increasingly difficult, as the evening progressed, to ignore the fact that Jessica seemed to be making very, very good friends with another friend of mine, Ken.
Nothing unpalatable happened –- this is Hollywood, after all. But James was furious with Ken for infringing on his evening out with Jessica. Now, while I understand that Ken should have exercised some degree of restraint in public with regard to his intentions, I was more indignant about the manner that Jessica had handled herself in the situation.
The person doing the inviting, conventionally speaking, is responsible for the comfort and well-being of the invitee, but the invitee also has a responsibility to the person who invited him or her to give them the bulk of their attention. Anyone who is invited to attend an event -- whether or not they are in a monogamous situation with their date or still testing the water -- should refrain from testing other waters during the course of the date.
As a date, you should pay attention to the person who invited you. You should respect the person enough not to subject him or her to the embarrassment of being absent or showering someone else with your attention. If someone should approach you with an overture during the course of the evening, it is your responsibility to let them know that you are there with someone else. There is no reason to be rude about it, simply turn the conversation to your date and casually mention you are there with that person before soliciting their opinion on a subject.
If you should be approached by someone you find interesting, you are not obliged to turn them down, but do proceed with caution.
I was on a date once with a man who was not my type in any sense of the word. The date itself had been a train wreck from the moment he asked me out and I knew it would be our last, but I did my best to remain engaged and have a good time. (I also ordered only a single coffee that entire evening to prevent him from having pay an excessive amount for someone who was not remotely interested in him.
