New relationships are always fun and exciting. New relationships + Fibromyalgia? Mmm, not so much. No, I’m not saying that you can not have a full, exciting healthy relationship with fibromyalgia, it’s just the beginning of the relationship that is the seemingly the hardest. Why?

Well, because fibromyalgia is a big part of our lives. No, we always struggle to never let it get the best of us but it is something we will eventually have to share with the one that we love.

Ten years ago, the combination of having mononucleosis + a cortisone sent me over the edge, I found myself with a number of ailments including Fibromyalgia. Then, I was a 20 year old, single, college student. Now? I am a single, 30 year old mother. In the past ten years, I have been in a handful of relationships. I am amazed how time flies; I am amazed that I have had this disease for ten years. The hardest part about being single and having fibro is the thought of someone not wanting to be with you because of it. Ten years ago, I had doctor after doctor tell me that what I was experiencing was all in my head. “You’re just depressed.” “You’ve got too much yeast.” I finally stumbled on this disease called Fibromyalgia and just knew this is what I had. With the medical field not knowing a lot about it and me not knowing much myself, it was scary to think about having a relationship with someone.

I mean, if I didn’t know what the hell I had, how are they going to understand it? What if they tell me it’s all in my head? What if they try to tell me it isn’t real? Obviously, there were a lot of ‘what ifs’. I flew into the dating world head first. You might be surprised at how easy it was for me to hide the fibro. Before a date, I would take it easy and maybe even take a nap ahead of time, this way I knew I would be rested. Of course, my date had no idea that I had basically slept the entire day just so I could spend time with them. Going out on dates help to get the mind off of the pain and was actually kind of therapeutic. One of the questions I always pondered was, “When do I tell them I’m sick?” I came to the conclusion that I was going to hold off as long as I could. If you want to scare someone off quickly, tell them you have some sort of disease that they’ve never heard of, right?

I was fairly decent at playing the “I’m perfectly healthy” game. I didn’t want to come across as a weakling. I didn’t want anyone to think I was fishing for attention. I didn’t want anyone to feel sorry for me, but most of all, I didn’t want someone to judge me. Yes. I considered dating fairly easy. This was only because it was two to three hours, one night out of the week. Hey, if I had a bad flare up…I always had the option to cancel and say I had the flu, um… a really ‘bad’ case of the flu.

No, it wasn’t dating and isn’t dating that is the hardest when you have fibromyalgia. At least, not in my opinion. The hardest part for me is and was progressing past those dates and formulating a real relationship. Each time I knew things were getting serious; I knew I was getting closer to the day I had to tell them. Each day I knew I was getting closer to them figuring out that something was wrong with me. I would argue with myself about telling them, “If you don’t tell him he’s just going to think you are lazy”. Even in my relationship now, my boyfriend wants to go here and there and I feel like a weenie when I can’t go, but usually go anyway for fear of being judged.

Eventually, they are going to notice that there is something different. In my case, they really did think I was lazy. Remember fibromyalgia has a great way of making people look perfectly healthy when they are in a great amount of pain. And I did, I looked perfectly healthy besides the fact that I always took naps and I didn’t get out that much.

In the beginning, I would come off as the high spirited, energetic being…. that loved to laugh and socialize. I was only able to do this with several naps and rest. I could only get away with it for so long. Then the masks come off and there I am, stripped naked, just me and the fibro and boy to I have some explaining to do. Geez, there needs to be some sort of pamphlet for “Fibro & Dating”, this way you can just hand it to the prospect and be on your way.

When it finally comes time to tell them what’s going on, I don’t really go into the long version of what happened, basically because it’s a wild story and personally, I don’t like reliving it. It was traumatic. I explain that I just don’t feel good sometimes and I have a lot of pain. Well, that’s like my mini introduction to what is going on with me. I mean, how do you explain Fibro to other people? It’s touch to explain. It’s basically like saying…every symptom you could possibly have, I have. The mini introduction will eventually be a piece of the chunk introduction, this is usually after I have really gotten to know them and trust them. I throw bigger chunks of my life at them and try to help them understand it while still learning myself.

There are fears that come with Fibro and dating. I have always been concerned that there will never be anyone that is strong enough for it. Sometimes I have had pity parties because I feel damaged to a degree, I can’t help this feeling. Woe is me. I sometimes feel that I am bringing nothing to the table but brokenness but I know this much, my spirit isn’t broken and neither is my heart, Fibro has never stopped me from loving unconditionally. It has never stopped me from having the ability to care. It hasn’t kept me from being an affectionate person. It hasn’t weakened but only strengthened my personality and who I am.

 Here are a few tips to help you out when dating someone new with this funny fibro: 

1. Don’t Share Until You Are Comfortable: There’s no right or wrong time to tell someone you have Fibro. It’s when you feel most comfortable. I suggest you get to know the person a good bit before you share. As much as it stinks, telling too soon might scare someone off this is only because of their lack of knowledge.
2. Don’t Expect Them To Understand: You can’t expect them to “get it” immediately. It might take months of reading for it to finally click. Hell, they might not ever get it and might not ever understand, just know that this is a possibility. People can’t really fathom or understand what they don’t know or what they haven’t experienced. To make it easier on them, try to think of something that relates to them or maybe an analogy.
3. Beware Of The Adrenaline Junkies: I had to just throw this one in there because they are usually extremely cool, adventurous people but they are incredibly hard to keep up with. Choose your lovers wisely. You will want to make sure that the two of you are compatible. Of course, it’s hard to find someone that is compatible with Fibro but it would be hard to date someone that had to be on the go 24/7. Trust me, I’ve been there…every day felt like a marathon.
4. Cut Them Minimal Slack: We all know we are not looking for anyone to feel sorry for us. The non-fibro people sometimes don’t think this. You should cut your partner slack but not too much slack. Even though they do not understand our situation, they can still be caring and supportive. Low blows and lazy comments should really not be tolerated. This will only stress you out, make you upset and flare you up.
5. Pay Attention To How They Make You Feel: It’s really important that you pay attention to how you feel around this person. Do you get anxiety when they come around? Do you get nervous? Do you feel that they are going to always think you are lazy? Do they make you feel better about yourself? Do they validate you? Are they positive? The last thing we need to do is get into a relationship with negativity. Pay attention to how this person makes you feel. If you noticed you get stressed around them, you will be more apt to get flare ups because of them. You want someone that is going to be genuinely concerned for you and your health, someone that you are compatible with, someone that makes you laugh, and someone that for a minute, just for a minute, makes you forget you have Fibro.
6. Get Out When It Gets Toxic: Some relationships can make Fibro worse. If you want to stay sick 24/7, get involved in a toxic relationship. We all want to be loved and we wall want to be accepted but pay attention to red flags. Don’t let the need and want for love shadow your capability of seeing these. If you start to notice any form of abuse, get out and get out quick. No one deserves to be in an abusive relationship but abuse is the last thing a Fibro soldier needs. Don’t make excuses; don’t feel like you are the one that is crazy, just get out while you can!