Dating & Love: Is Debt a Deal-Breaker?

If the person is willing to give up their spending ways and realize it's a problem, then yes there is definitely reason to stick with them. I'm thankful every day my husband stood by my side as I painfully paid off my $18,000 in debt. I didn't have awesome things I could sell to make that money back either - it was all done by hard work and a lot of sacrifice. If I hadn't been willing to change, we probably would not be married today.

Whether or not debt is a deal-breaker in a relationship depends entirely on the reasons the debt is there. If it's there just because the person is in the habit of living beyond their means and won't make the effort to change - then yes it is a deal breaker. If they aren't going to change for the right reasons, then any change they make for you is not going to stick.

If the debt is due to divorce or job loss or some other event that is not necessarily under their control, then no it is not a deal breaker. If the person is in debt, I would hope that they would be dedicated to improving their finances both for themselves and for the person they are or eventually will be with. Until their finances were in order, marriage would be off the table.

This is after I learned from my mistake of marrying a lazy man that had a lot of debt and "promised" to work on fixing it. Don't do it ladies! Make them SHOW you they will change first!

It's tough to know what is a deal breaker in a relationship as every situation is different. Check out this webseries where two women discuss this very issue: http://bit.ly/bmF0Ok

I'm in my thirties. Most men I meet tend to have been married before. Most own a home. Many have children. And many are paying off their ex-wife's lifestyle (and his own as well).
I admit when I see a 30-something man living in a tiny apartment, eating out every single day, and complaining about having to pay alimony, its a red flag. It tells me that in his marriage they handled money poorly, and now he's paying for it.
Debt and money woes lead inevitably to marital problems. If I see that a guy can't handle his finances when he is single, I sure won't let him get near my money later.
I carry very little debt. It means I don't have a nice house, or even a fun car. I live a very basic life. Don't get me wrong, I own a few pairs of $100 jeans. But I saved up to buy them. I didn't use a credit card.
I'm not going to straddle some guy with my debt. And I'm not going to let him burden me with his either!

*erinannie*

Moments of Clarity and Chaos ( http://erinannie.blogspot.com )

This article made some good points, and as a 19 year old I don't yet know anyone too far in debt, but my 20 year old friend has the worst credit score possible.

This article made me wonder if that would ever be a problem in his relationships. When you marry someone and begin to make purchases with them, their credit score is more or less YOUR credit score as well.

This just goes to show that being irresponsible with money in ANY way can affect your life in more than just the financial arena.

How you do anything is how you do everything and someone who over spends might over do other things. Living beyond your means is not sexy and it's way too stressful. If you don't want to pay for something when it's all shiny and new you probably won't want to pay for it when you're over it. Just my two cents. Kelli

Many couples do not have a serious discussion about their feelings regarding money, debt, saving or budgeting before they get married. Most of the focus is on the wedding, reception, honeymoon, living arrangements and plans for having children.If one person's view of money and debt is vastly different from the other's there will be problems down the road. Virtually every financial decision you make will hinge on your level of debt and debt payment history - major componenets of your credit score. If you're planning to rent an apartment, buy a house or car,or get a job, your credit report will have to be pretty flawless. Most items will stay on your credit report for seven years,, although if you control your level of borrowing and have a good repayment history the harmful notations from the past will have less and less effect over time.

HollisC

My boyfriend, J., decided to move-in with me and help me figure out my debt ($-21,000) instead of engagement. He did not want to share any legal document, bank account, or name with me until I could prove that I changed my irresponsible ways.

He was, however, willing to share his life with me, love me unconditionally, and show me HOW to get out of debt (he paid for his college education by himself in cash, he's that good with his budget!).

The best advice I have ever received was from an older neighbor of mine, "The bible says to marry a partner with a good name in the community. Nowadays, your credit report is how your name is judged. Keep that in mind."

It's always interesting to me to hear what people will blame the break up a relationship on. As far as I can see, the debt isn't so much the issue as the dishonesty that goes with keeping it secret, or the dishonesty around not telling your partner that you have broken an agreement not to put any more money on your credit card.
So what really breaks the relationship is your choice to keep on adding to your debt. If the relationship was more important you would choose to stop spending, or get the psychological help you need to cure your addiction.
If you choose to keep spending you choose to end the relationship.
Responsibility has become a dirty word. Is it easier to say "he dumped me because of my debt" or he dumped me becuase I chose to be dishonest and racked up huge debts without his knowledge"

Putting life into living.

It would be a deal-breaker for me if he had no plan or motivation to get out of debt.

Michelle Woo is the creator of Woo! ( http://www.michellewoo.com/ ), a blog about style, design, weddings, events -- whatever makes her say, "Woo!"

With college prices soaring and parents unable to fund full costs, you'll be hard pressed to find someone without SOME form of debt in the future (unless something happy changes). I came into the marriage with student loan debt, a small credit card which was paid off shortly after my first real job post-college and a LOT of medical debt due to the pregnancy/kidney thing. My husband (boyfriend/fiance/husband, in that order) didn't bat an eyelash.

Contributing Editor Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom ( http://twitter.com/FireMom )) blogs at Stop, Drop and Blog ( http://stopdropandblog.com ) and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land ( http://thechroniclesofmunchkinland.com ). She is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

The husband of a couple friend of mine whose relationship was already suffering from problems turned to secret spending as a comfort.

Bad idea. By the time the wife found out about it it was $20,000 worth.

The fact that he was clearly miserable and trying to soothe his unhappiness mattered not at all. She was furious that he had done this, it was a serious breach of trust, and divorce quickly ensued.

He was an honest enough man to take the debt in the separation, as it truly was not hers at all, but that was a lucky break because legally she could have been saddled with half of it.

But going IN to a relationship? I have to say large debt would have scared me.

Not, "I put myself through medical school" debt, but debt that suggested bad choices or poor impulse control would have suggested other problems that maybe I wasn't prepared to cope with.

Also, having been darned poor for lots of my life, financial security is a big part of my happy place.

Lori, speech pathologist, writer, and business owner, blogs home-family-working-mom drama at In Pursuit of Martha Points. ( http://inpursuitofmarthapoints.com )

I wish I could say that I have ever been that rational while in a relationship. I however married someone who has worked a very small part of our 9 years together and has some pretty big dings on his credit and created some on mine as well!!
It would make life easier if people were able to step back and take all those things into account be for they let themselves fall.
I hope to give my boys a bit more of those tools but I still believe that sometimes even the strongest logic will not talk the heart out of what it wants.

but it is a factor. I have a good friend who is now filing for bankruptcy the 2nd time. She didn't learn anything about paying bills the first go round. Her indebtedness is a liability in relationships because she tends to choose men based on what she thinks they can do for her financially. It clouds her judgment about them.
On the other hand, I learned from being in debt how not to be in debt again and had a met my husband at that point, I'd hope he'd look at what I was doing to live differently and responsibly in my life.
On yet another hand (yes I have 3 of them - lol), over the course of my marriage, financial circumstances have changed for each of us because of lay-offs, unexpected bills, etc.
I think people have to pull together around shared values and honesty is one of those shared values. So, if you are embarking on a serious relationship whether co-habitation or marriage, you should fess up and if you're not the one in financial trouble, you should ask. Both parties need to lay their cards on the table. After the honeymoon period, things like differences around money can become huge.

http://blog.candelariasilva.com ( http://blog.candelarisilva.com/ )

Good and plenty!

I think it all depends on the debt in terms of how it would impact the relationship. Debt because their job doesn't pay enough, but it's a stepping stone on the road to their ultimate career -- absolutely fine. Debt because they have no concept of living within their means might be a deal-breaker.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens ( http://stirrup-queens.com ) and Lost and Found ( http://lostandfoundandconnectionsabound.blogspot.c... ). Her book is Navigating the Land of If ( http://thelandofif.blogspot.com/ ).