Dating Older Men: How Old is Too Old?

When my roommate and I go to a bar, we largely attract the attention of older men rather than males closer to our own age. (By “older,” what I mean is “noticeably older than myself.” Like 15 years or more.) I’m not saying these older men act like they want to “hook up” with us – most of the time they’re just looking for a conversation. (Or at least that’s the way they make it seem...I’ve never had an older man ask for my number.) There have been a few older men who were more overtly obvious about their intentions – I’ve had several blatantly walk up to me and say, “I think you’re beautiful” – but in those instances they’ve always said their piece and continued on their way.

(Continuing on their way is a good move, because otherwise my response would be, “Thank you. Now move along.” It’s not that I’m trying to be rude. I just don’t think “You’re beautiful” is a good opening line, no matter the person’s age – even if they’re thinking it; even if they really believe it to be true.)

It’s not like we don’t catch younger guys looking at us – but they look from where they’re sitting, or standing. And I don’t have a problem talking to older men if they’re being nice, but I don’t see them as someone I’d want to go out with.

A good friend of mine, a woman in her mid-40s, has given me her opinion multiple times on the types of men she thinks I should be dating. “We live in DC,” she says. “You should be attending parties at embassies and meeting diplomats. Or you could be an executive’s wife.” My friend has good intentions, but all I say in response to her suggestions is, “I have no desire to go to a party at an embassy. I wouldn’t have any idea what to say to those people. On top of all that, I’m not looking for someone with a specific title – the man himself comes first.”

So how old is “too old” for me? I’d say ten years would be my max. But having said that, I know age differences of ten years or more don’t bother everyone. My older sister was married to a man eleven years her senior (they’ve since divorced), and my younger sister is currently living with a man ten years older than she is. A good friend of mine was married to a man fifteen years her senior for over six years (they married when she was nineteen).

I wonder...why is it that younger guys aren't as comfortable approaching my roommate and I than the older guys? Are the older men not as worried about looking “cool?” Does the possibility of being rejected not bother them as much?

I also think this phenomenon might be related to where you live. City Girl DC lives here in my area. She went out with a female friend one recent Saturday night, and had this experience:

What I love about Marvin [a bar] is that it seems perfectly designed for meeting and conversation. You would think there would be lots of mingling. Instead, as we looked around, all we saw were completely sex-segregated groups. To our left were two women who could pass for models. Behind them, clearly gawking was a group of guys. Not once did the guys make a move. […]

Pam and I were curious as to what the guys would say and decided to ask three attractive, well-dressed guys standing behind us. One was Indian, one Latin American, and the other second-generation African. We figured we would get a good mix of responses. Instead, they were pretty much the same guy. […] They didn't feel the need to approach women and were of the belief that women should be more willing to approach them. Hmmm. I always find it suspect when a guy has decided that women should take the initiative in dating: asking out, paying on a first date, making the first move, etc. All I know is that these guys were typical of so many guys in DC. They seemed way too interested in saving face. Sorry, but being a guy involves some degree of regular rejection.

Tara has the same experience with older men being the only ones bold enough to approach her, and wonders what’s up with younger guys.

Why is it that I find myself getting hit on by older gentlemen in Hoboken and not the younger fellows? Where are the bright young men of Hobo? […]

A girlfriend and I recently went to a bar in Hoboken on a Saturday night.

We were there to have a drink and watch her alma mater, the University of Virginia football game…hey, a great way to meet guys…young guys! WRONG! No one even approached us… The guys that were there didn’t even budge to come up and say hello. On the way out, I walked passed a young guy who hardly turned his head but did get the slight nerve and sober energy to say “bye ladies”. Ugh! And that, Ladies and Gentlemen, is a brief portrait of the wildly gifted charm imparted America’s Best – our Young and Upcoming World Financial Business Leaders of Tomorrow.

New blogger Jenny Pruna asks, “Does Love Have a Number?”

I am currently dating a man 10 years older than me. We met at my old job and ever since then we have been dating. Its been a year and a half and we are still in love; if not more than ever. It is not common to see someone dissaprove of us being together when they have not met my boyfriend. Just the age difference alone shows how wrong it is. The common arguments are… “He’s only seeking one thing from you and its not being with you.” “He is too old, you should be with someone your age.” and etc.

Problem is with that last arguement is that every guy I meet at my age isn’t what I am looking for. I want to fall in love and be in that relationship. I no longer want to explore a bunch of bad relationships when I can have one great one full of love.

At the Huffington Post, Christine Hassler is asked for advice by a 27-year-old female dating a 42-year-old man. This is part of Christine’s response:

In my opinion, there is a lot more than just 15 years that separates you from your 42-year-old boyfriend. He's had a heck of a lot more life experience than you have. You are in your late twenties, a time in life when you are just beginning to become sure of who you are and what you want. You are creating your life while he is already in the prime of his. If you were 40 and he was 55, I would not be as concerned about the age difference as both of you would have had ample time to experience life and mold your identity. By dating someone so much older, you are missing out on being with someone who is in the same phase of life that you are; someone with whom you can share the joys and pitfalls of discovery.

The male perspective: Jay Rusovich is in his early 50s, and has this to say about attracting younger women:

Anyone whose reached middle-age has to face the fact that – no matter how we look or feel – we can’t outright cheat the clock. Let a few more years pass and we start to wonder whether or not it’s even appropriate to approach younger women. By ‘appropriate’ I’m thinking along the lines of …will she look at me like I’m out of my fucking mind for assuming she would consider me as a dating candidate? […]

Many young women simply don’t give a damn how many bootcamps you put yourself through every week. Or how interesting you think you are. Or how talented you are. Or how successful you have been. By this time, life was supposed to have yanked you out of the game and thrown you onto your Lazyboy, out in the suburbs, with a family, watching network television… […]

The truth is, a ever-growing number of young women are actively dating older men; particularly in big cities, because these tend to be more sophisticated than their fly-over sisters, and don’t hold the same appreciation for being treated like objects by young men. The same men who routinely take them for granted, and have nothing to talk about other than domestic beer.

This notwithstanding, you still have to also accept the fact that there are a corresponding number of women who can’t fathom dating older guys from any perspective. They want Cinderella. They want Snow White. And intend to ignore the odds against realizing those fantasies in today’s world.

How old would be “too old” for you?

(Contributing editor Zandria also blogs at Keep Up With Me. She will continue to talk to older guys in bars as long as they don't start the conversation with, "I think you're beautiful.")

Submitted by Zandria (view blog

) on Sun, 02/24/2008 - 13:49

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Age rules

As always, Zandria, great thought-provoking post!

I have very few "rules" for dating but any man young enough to be my son and old enough to be my father is not an option.

I find that I get the "I think you're beautiful" and that's it from older men and very young men actually ask me out. I had to turn a guy down because he didn't look much older than my 15 year old nephew (that and following me around Target wasn't the most appealing way to get my attention). But it was kind of flattering in a I am cougar, hear me purr kind of way ;-)

Beyond Help

Submitted by Maria Niles on Sun, 02/24/2008 - 12:06

Before I got remarried, I

Before I got remarried, I was dating a man who was 17 years older than I was.
Things were starting to get, seemingly, a little more serious. So, we decided that he would meet my children who, at the time were 2 and 4.
We had a nice day, the four of us, at the park. He was actively playing with them...and seemed to be enjoying himself.
I spoke with him, on the phone, that night...and he thanked me for a lovely day and he would see me the following evening.
That following day, however, I received a phone call from him. He felt that, after thinking about it, we were at two different stages in our lives. He didn't want to do the small children thing, all over again...his were grown and in college. So, we broke up. Just like that.
I made my decision, after that, to only date men who were in the same position as I was...small children. And...from then on, I only allowed myself to date men who were, no more than, 4 or 5 years older.
My husband, the last man I ever dated...is only 4 years my senior. That was a much better age difference.
That was an excellent post!!

check out my blog...http:www.suchsimplepleasures.com
thanks!

Submitted by melbs1969 on Sun, 02/24/2008 - 12:38

It's just a number

Age is just a number. Try to be more open minded, and avoid hard set rules such as "no more than 10 years apart". Otherwise you could miss out on something wonderful! I think what is more important is what stage of life you're at.

My husband is 15 years older than me, and we started dating when I was 29. We both work as engineers, which is how we met. We found that, aside from being born in different decades, we share a lot in common...everything that's important anyways: our relationships with our parents, our desire to have children, our belief system, etc. I could never ask for a more thoughtful or loving man.

Dawn
of DawnsRecipes.com

Submitted by DawnsRecipes on Sun, 02/24/2008 - 14:15

It's such an individual thing.

Personally, I'm 36, and it would be a rare thing for me to be attracted to a man over 40. When I'm single, I'm not completely closed off to it, but the one time I tried it, he felt so much older than me, and he *way* couldn't keep up. I usually date younger, so someone ten years older than me is often 15 years older than my last boyfriend.

Truth be told, a significantly older guy hitting on me really grosses me out; I don't get it.

But. Of course, that's not true for everyone, and I try to be understanding that that older guy hitting on me may usually date women even younger than me - who knows, you know?

I just chalk it up to me being a peer dater. I've always been looking for someone who's *a lot* like me - and generally, I've found that in younger men. Hunky Actor Boyfriend is about 2 1/2 years younger than me, and that seems to be the money.

Liz Rizzo

I blog at Everyday Goddess.

Submitted by Liz Rizzo on Mon, 02/25/2008 - 10:50

Unless they're rich

Interesting post but everything changes when you see women with much much older rich and/or famous men. You can't tell me that these relationships are all for love!

Apart from that, my nana's husband was 19 years older, my sister continually dates men at least 10 years older than herself. A friend of mine's husband is 13 years older. It is subjective.

Jen at Semantically driven and Safari suit

Submitted by jaycee on Wed, 02/27/2008 - 15:39

How do you get others to understand?!?!

I recently broke off an engagement to a man who was extremely verbally abusive. I am 20 years old (yeah I know way too young to be engaged) and he's 22. Since then I have taken interest in a guy I work with at a resturant. He's 27. I brought the idea up to my mom that we may start seeing eachother within the next couple months and she rejected the idea right away. She doesnt want to meet him and doesnt want to hear about him. She even went as far as saying that she can't support me on this idea and someday it may ruin her relationship with one of her kids because she doesnt agree with certain things. Whenever we have hung out (myself and this 27 year old) we have a BLAST. There is never a dull moment and we always have something to talk about. I have more fun with this guy than I have with any of the others, including the man I was engaged to. The only reason my mother doesnt want me to date him is because he's 27 and should be "ashamed of himself" for hanging out with someone my age. He has a lot of younger female friends as well because he coaches a highschool soccer team. My mom thinks its creepy. She says I shouldnt even be friends with him, much less date him. Is this such a bad thing??? I think that she'd almost rather me hang out with someone who treats me bad, but is within my age bracket, than someone who is a little older. I have since told her that I wouldnt be friends with him anymore and I explained the situation to him as well. He thinks its crazy and so do I. Any suggestions about what I can do to get my mom to be more accepting of him being in my life??? I have no plans of marraige ANY time soon and have a lot of goals for myself in the future that he also supports. I also have friends that are my age who have boyfriends who are significantly older than they are (up to 33years old)What do I do?!?!

Submitted by Kristenbaby722 on Thu, 02/28/2008 - 08:53

Older men

Unlike most women who commented about older men, I love an older man. This preference goes back many years. My first boyfriend, my first lover, was a man much older thanmyself. I was 17 when I, not he, created a situation where sex happened between myself and John, a much, much older man. I was attracted to him; I pursued him for months; and I seduced him. I was shameless. He was about 55 or 56. But he was a beautiful man, and he was the sweetest, kindest, handsomest man I have ever known; and to this day I still love that man. He died years later. I so desperately wanted to be with him forever.
I am not an unattractive woman today. I get a lot of unwanted attention most of the time - I was blessed, or cursed, with large breasts that draw the eyes of most men. I've had my share of dating men my age, from the time I was a teenager. But there never was one that I wanted to be with forever.
Now, an older man is something else. John was a well muscled behemoth of a man. He was ruggedly handsome, and strong. But he was so gentle with me and he treated me as if I were a princess. When we were together he focused his attention on me, and he made me feel so special. We would talk for hours, about books, about movies, about our lives, breathessly sharing secrets about each other. I couldn't wait until the next day when I could run over to his house again, to be with him. He was truly an amazing man. And I have met many such men over the years since, all much older than myself, enough to qualify me to say that I prefer older men. But there is a limit. They are still healthy, vibrant, and lusty.
Some out there might say I"m looking for a man like my grandfather. Or that I am seeking a safe relationship. Some might say I am looking to get money from them. All untrue.
It's just preference. Veronica.

Submitted by beautiful hakitten on Sat, 03/01/2008 - 10:23

Kristen:

I personally don't think there's anything wrong with a 7-year age difference, but it sounds like your mom is just worried about you. In certain situations it takes being together for a while before other people accept it -- and sometimes they never will. Hopefully things will work out in your situation. :)

Personal blog: Keep Up With Me
BlogHer blog: Life - Singles

Submitted by Zandria on Sun, 03/02/2008 - 13:41

i'm her

Well, my partner and the father of my three kids is over 20 years older than me. Of course, I wouldn't change a thing.. because I couldn't. We've been together for 11 years, but sometimes nowadays I secretly wish he was a bit younger. I feel sad that I can't have the dream that we will grow old together. I know life is unpredictable... but just the dream would have been nice. And people always think we're together because he's rich. Which he's not. My close friends and family are fine. But you'd be surprised how many comments and looks I've gotten. It's either a very close-minded or a very bored world out there, I tell ya! ;)
So those are my two cents.
http://watermelonmama.wordpress.com/

Submitted by madeintaiwan on Fri, 03/07/2008 - 07:50