The Day He Told Me

“Damn, Geoff.”

Damn, Geoff? The man just told me he’s been sleeping with another woman - in our bed - and the best I can do is “Damn, Geoff”?! I’ve shown more emotion when he burned dinner, or when he left his dirty clothes on the floor for the hundredth time. I should be screaming right now, throwing things, cursing, crying, and threatening to kill him and her both. But, I don’t feel like it. What is wrong with me?

“Do you love her?” “No”.

“Do you love me?” “I don’t know…I haven’t felt anything for a long time”.

I hate myself for asking these questions. I sound stupid, needy, and weak. I think I ask because I’m expecting, maybe wanting, that “movie moment”. That fantasy when his response will be “No, I don’t love her. I love only you. This was the biggest mistake of my life. Please forgive me. I’m begging you to take me back”. Or, maybe I just need to say something because I’m afraid of what I might feel or do if there’s silence. And, I fear what else he might say if given the chance. I need to distract both of us with words.

“Who is she?” “Somebody you don’t know.”

“What’s her name?” Pause. “Kim”. (In a millisecond, I run through my mind the name of every female I know. No Kim. Somehow that matters.) Breathe.

And now we’re just standing here in our kitchen. Neither of us is saying anything more. I’m leaning on the counter - I would probably fall down if I wasn’t. (I didn’t feel like eating lunch today. I’m dizzy and my head hurts.) Geoff is standing on the other side of the room. I think he’s hiding because he doesn’t want to see my face. Either that, or he’s afraid of what I might do to him. He doesn’t know I don’t have the strength to hit him. My husband looks really pale and wrung out. His face has absolutely no expression right now. I’m hoping mine doesn't either. I’m just glad he’s not standing near me. I don’t want him near me. Why is it so dark in the kitchen in the middle of the day? And who in the hell is that man standing over there?

I am so tired right now, physically, mentally, emotionally. I am completely drained. God Almighty, I am just so freakin’ tired. But yet, at this moment, this horrible moment, I also have this bizarre sense of relief. At least now I know what’s been wrong with him for the last year and a half. And I’m still standing. I’m still breathing. I just have no clue what to do next.

Allie

From "Once More With Feeling"

http://24inmymind.blogspot.com

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