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Sparkle (1)
The last few days I had been playing word games in my head trying to write poems and in my book projects. I’ve cried more in the last few days that I have in three months. I think it is time to acknowledge what is really going on so I can move on. If these grey clouds aren’t going to move... then I need to.
Under this dark cloud is a depressive state of sadness, grief and loss of people that are gone or have repositioned in my life
In the last few years Ive acknowledged, felt and experienced enough to last me for another six years… my opinion.
However, everything is what it is. Ultimately, I am the co-pilot of this vehicle just as the journey is co- written.
In order to get what I want in this life, achieve my goals, and get to where I am headed, I need to acknowledge and share what is behind me. The motivational factors that is not just a story, but my life. I need to give myself permission to feel the changes, sadness, grief and loss and the best way I know to process through it is to write it out from the beginning. To go back to the very first domino that has brought me to where I am today.
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About four years ago, I had lost almost 200 hundred pounds. There was no surgery, no pills, and no drugs. I worked at it hardcore, changing my eating habits, traded in favorite foods, became obsessed with nutrition, healthy holistic life style and exercise. I was working, changing and molding myself into the person I wanted and needed to be for myself. As wonderful as I was doing and feeling I now know there were still some emotional fractures I did not even realize I had.
I still had about 50 pounds left to lose when I fell off my path and into someone else’s.
My life and personal world was in a whirlwind of confusion when I met him. I was still fairly new to my new found self. I was twisted with emotions, feelings, knowledge and experiences that I had not even gotten a full grip on. My growth and personal changes had caused a shift in relationships, friendships, career desires and life plans.
Out of nowhere in walks this man full of passion, intrigue and mystery. How easy it was to shift my focus for a few just to enjoy him, us together and escape my confusions.
Before I knew what was happening or could catch my breath I tripped and fell hard. Once I was down, I couldn’t figure out how to pull myself back up out of the dizziness, nothing made sense. Everyday I spent trying to gain focus was a day he gave me reasons to stay and believe in something else.
Within nine months of our relationship, my whole life had changed once again. These changes did not consist of individual growth or even maintaining what I had achieved before "us". They consisted of nurturing him, his dreams, wants and needs, trying to heal what was broken within him and facing his demons head on. There was no room for me as an individual, what I believed, what mattered, what I wanted or needed. It is now my belief that When someone tells you that you complete them.... run. If you complete them it’s because they are broken and need pieces of you that should not be given away or compromised. Those pieces of yourself that you give to heal someone else, to "complete" them will probably leave you in a tailspin someday.
I gave away the very deepest parts of my being to someone else. Not JUST to someone else, but to someone who had no real comprehension or interest of who and what I really was as an individual. To someone who abused the love, trust and loyalty given to him... as well as the spiritual, mental/ emotional and physical human being I was.
I say was because the person I was when we met changed as needed to cope and survive myself, as well as him and the different levels of hell I felt and experienced. I am no longer that Woman that gave myself away. Those three years with him had a lot of darkness but in hidden corners was a light. In that light I found who and what I was prior to meeting him, it is
