Day Three: Regaining Energy

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I spent all day out today. I went shopping after I took Ruby to school, and then a movie (Philomena … so good) and lunch with my friend Brian, then picking kids up.

I made sure to eat enough. It would have been easy to skip breakfast this morning, since I left early and knew I was going out to lunch. But I didn’t. I ate a killer blue cheese burger without guilt.

I feel like, after years of trying, I’ve finally broken through whatever was keeping me from completely giving up dieting. A major pillar of Health at Every Size (HAES) is that there is no morality attached to food. No good food and bad. Food is just food. Another is to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full.

It’s hard to even describe how hard it is to internalize those two ideas when you’re trying to stay under a calorie count that has nothing to do with how much your body needs to function.

I’m still healing. It’s going to take time. Maybe more than 100 days. Emotionally, I’m thriving on Eating the Food. I’m so relieved to have finally figured out how to decouple food from morality.

Physically, healing will take longer. I’m prepared for that. I’m prepared for the idea that in 100 days I might weigh more than I do today. You know, I accepted a long time ago that I’m fat. That I’ll probably never not be fat. But the idea of being fatter? I’ve never let myself think about it. It freaks me out.

I’ve spent three years talking about how I am fat despite eating about 1800 calories a day. I didn’t lose a single ounce after a year of running four or five times a week. I literally never made the connection between how little I was eating and my body’s refusal to let go of weight.

One thing I’m paying attention to right now, like i said yesterday, is my energy level. I slept well last night, and I didn’t crash until about 5:30. That’s an improvement, especially considering I was out literally all day. The energy to get through a whole day—that’s so much more important than my weight.

I will never beat myself up for eating again. Not ever.

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