When Your Parents Divorce After You're All Grown Up

Hi Jenna. I wanted to tell you how sad this article makes me. I just completed my first ebook on the topic of surviving one's parents divorce as I was 28 when my parents got divorced and dad married again shortly after that (his wife hates me). I wanted to let you know that staying out of the middle is the best way to go, but also can be extremely difficult.

If you're not already in the group there's a fantastic group at yahoogroups called Adult Kids of Divorce that might be helpful to you. Also you can contact me through my website to get a copy of my new ebook, it's http://www.thefeinlife.com

Everything - EVERYTHING - I read tells me to not choose sides, and not let my parents bad mouth each other at me. They are splitting up as of a few months ago, and it is because my father decided to leave, and he has been unfaithful for years. There were weird things going on with my parents (I am 26 and only see them a couple times a year) but I would never have thought it was this. My mother wearing high heels and makeup (she's sort of a hippie), buying all kinds of toys like boats and stuff I didn't know they could afford, etc. Turns out, my father was cheating on my mother and telling her he liked this woman because of her high heels and makeup. He pressured my mother into plastic surgery. I know all stories have two sides, but I cannot forgive this.

In discovery, now, it has come out that my father has been having affairs for decades. He skipped out on events in my life to be out of town "on business" and I don't know whether he was there or having affairs. He has been habitually lying to me since the split about being in therapy, where he is when he is out of town, and the fact that he is trying to leave my mother (and little siblings) destitute. He sues my mother then says he "didn't do that and the lawyer made a mistake." He has confided to me he never wanted children (there are 4 of us and I'm the first-born), that the household I grew up in was "not a normal household" (there was no fighting!) and that "I don't even know what a decent marriage looks like." How can I not choose a side?

My whole world is being torn apart because my father is a sham. I can't even speak to him because he lies and lies and lies. I have to go to my mother for emotional support because he is so emotionally abusive to me. I am in counseling but my pain is so intense I am starting to lose my mind. I am jealous of my friend whose father died, because she never experienced her father choosing to leave her.

What do you do with an unfaithful parent?? Has anyone else chosen sides like this?

My parents have been together for over 20 years now and got together when I was just 6 months old. Yes that makes my dad my "step dad" but he has always been there for me and i do love him as my true father, though as a 22 year old adult I am having trouble getting past the fact that he is an alcoholic who refuses to get any help.

As of this moment my parents are still together, which brings me to my problem and my pain. They are both so unhappy that I believe they SHOULD divorce while at the same time fearing that they will and that things will never be right again. I know its the right thing for them to go their own ways, but I don't want to be the one to bring that fact up. They are both adults and should be grown up enough to see this. So why haven't they? Why drag it out? I just want it over with already. Its the best thing for the whole family.

I don't really know what to do or say any more. All i want to do is cry all the time or yell and punch something (though i haven't done the later). I know that my fiancee (and father of my daughter) is here for me, but when i get upset of stressed out over it he gets mad. No at me, but at my parents for putting my family through all this. Its so hard to deal with my feelings and his. I can't really blame him, but it makes me feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to about it. And living in a small town just makes it that much worse. If I we're to tell one person, one way or another the whole town would find out. About my parents problems and about my dad being an alcoholic. It really makes me feel trapped and angry on top of being sad and alone.

I guess there isn't really a point to all that i have wrote here, just the rantings of a broken 22 year old girl. But it has made me feel a little bit better to get it all out and to read some of the other stories and to know that I may be alone physically but I'm not the only one going through all this and that someday, near or far, it may get better. So thanks to everyone who has shared here, and thanks for making it a place where I can share as well. Best of luck to everyone here and to their families.

My parents have made my life a living hell over the past 3 years. I am now 30 years old and my whole life was changed when my parents got divorced. First I was blindsided by the fact that my dad was an alcoholic. Mind you he is a wonderful man with a very sad disease. Non the less the news devastated me. I mean how could I have not know about this? Then my Mom decided to leave my Dad. I dont blame her given the circumstances but then shortly after my life became even worse. Not only was I dealing with the news of my dad his frequent hospital visits and the divorce my Mother was telling me things that I felt were inappropriate things about my Dad. She put me in the middle of the divorce and to me that is wrong. Because I am an adult she obviously doesnt think anything of it. She is so focused on me knowing her version of the truth she has lost site of right and wrong and can only focus on negativity. She turned all of my words into negative ones no matter the situation. She is determined to believe that I have chosen to side with my Dad even though that is not true. I refused to desert my Dad based on his alcoholism and to My mom that was unacceptable. She has sent me numerous nasty emails and now we do not speak. She has turned my grandmother against me as well which to me is unforgivable. I have no interest in reconciling with my mother if she continues to be a negative influence in my life. She does not seem to realize how hard this has all been without her adding all the negativity to the mix. I have seen a councilor about it but still seem to struggle with all of it. She has made it clear to my brother that she has no interest in being the bigger person in the situation. I am at a loss for words it feels like my whole word and everything I thought my parents were was a lie. Its a hard pill to swallow

I totally identify with all of these feelings. I'm 24 and my parents have just announced their divorce...right after I got married. It's extremely discouraging and everyday is a battle. I just have to focus on my own life and realize that I can't control their actions. Easier said than done. I feel like I'm experiencing the same sort of grief that comes with a death--can anyone else relate?

Also, I've started a blog about my experiences being an adult child of divorce: http://lifeasavroom.blogspot.com/

Please share this blog with anyone you think will benefit from it. It's comforting to know that I'm not the only one going through this.

To Whom It May Concern:

My name is Samantha Friedman, an alumna of the University of California at Berkeley and Fordham University, and I am currently a doctoral clinical psychology student at Saybrook University (San Francisco). I am seeking adults between the ages of 20 and 35 who have experienced parental divorce in either childhood or adulthood to assist me in the completion of a study that examines the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and intimacy.

If you agree to participate in this study, please click on this link (http://www.surveymonkey.com/s/TK8Q7GT) and complete the survey on SurveyMonkey.com. The online survey I am conducting is very easy to complete. The whole process is designed to take less than 15 minutes to complete. Participation in this study is completely voluntary and anonymous. You are free to not answer any question, to stop participating at any time for any reason, and to not have your information be part of the data set. All forms will be kept confidential; that is, no one will have knowledge of which questionnaire belongs to you.

The aim of my study is to learn about the psychological impact of parental divorce, particularly how the age at which parental divorce occurs influences attitudes towards marriage and intimacy. It is of particular importance to examine the effects of parental divorce on marital attitudes and levels of intimacy because they are indicators of relationship stability. The ultimate goal of this study is to acquire data that can be used to assist adult children of divorce in understanding the impact of mid- to late-life parental divorce and develop strategies that encourage healthy, lasting marriages.

Please contact me if you would like a summary of my findings when the project is finished. If you have any questions, please contact me at SamanthaFriedman@hotmail.com.

Thank you in advance for your time and assistance. I really appreciate your help and I am sincerely grateful.

Best wishes,

Samantha Friedman

Jenna, I'm sorry you're hurting. (And I've been away, so I'm sorry I'm late in seeing this post, too.) I think it's a losing game to say "it's worse when you're a kid" or "it's worse when you're an adult;" if it hurts, it hurts. And I'm sorry that it does.

I'm probably unusual in this regard, but when my parents announced they were divorcing after 26ish years of marriage, I was in grad school, about to be married, myself, and the hurt I felt had nothing to do with them splitting. I was angry and upset that they'd waited so long. They'd been unhappy for so many years; I just figured it would never be any different. And I was selfishly really furious that they hadn't given us kids and themselves a shot at a different life, sooner.

It took a long time, but both my parents are much happier, now. I like to say they're living proof of "better late than never."

--
Mir Kamin
(BlogHer contributing editor)

Personal: Woulda Coulda Shoulda ( http://wouldashoulda.com/ )

Having it all with less: Want Not ( http://wantnot.net/ )

My husband's parents divorced after 38 years of marriage. His brothers, sisters and he said -- 'bout time! Kids knew they had not been happy for some time. Now they are the best of friends, would go to the mat for each other..just don't want to be married to each other anymore. Then there is my sister in law and her husband and their son, who is 28. I think it has been harder. Not married himself, maybe it is more difficult to understand that relationships change and marriage takes work to make it work! To get past the pain, it seems best to focus on getting behind what is going to make parents happy in their lives. Much like they have to give up what they may want for us and let us have our own lives, we need to do the same for parents who decide to split. ~L http://lauracarroll.com

Laura
Families of Two
http://lauracarroll.com

I enjoyed reading this post - I talk to a lot of women about divorce and this is an aspect I haven't covered in any depth. I do believe part of the pain for adult children comes from the shattering of assumptions about their parents' marriage. I wonder too if there isn't a greater element of grief for them - just as a spouse grieves for the end of the marriage, I think adult children are more likely too also because of all the memories.

Mandy
Blog: ( http://www.sincemydivorce.com/ )Since My Divorce ( http://sincemydivorce.com )

Facebook : Since My Divorce ( http://www.facebook.com/SinceMyDivorce )

Thanks for sharing. Divorce is so sad! http://www.blogher.com/divorce-tragic

My parents had a rough marriage because my Dad was an alcoholic and had trouble keeping a job. I know they stayed together for us children because my Mom didn't want us to have to move from our house and neighborhood. They did divorce when we all moved out of the house and I was fine with that because I knew they would be happier, expecially my Mom. She never did remarry but suprisingly he did meet someone else and remarried and I was happy for him. I think in my case my parents divorce wasn't a suprise and it was all for the better.

Why on earth would you think that their separation would rub off on you?
Have you forgotten you are a grown up and have a family of your own.
Let them live their own lives and just stop making a big deal out their decisions.

And Ladies Al Gore is on the market so look at the bright side.

http://mgco4you.com/sValentino/

I wish they had done it when I was 5. Growing up in that household, it was "normal" for me and my 4 siblings to huddle in the corner, watching our father beat up our mother. He ran around on her constantly, took the paycheck and left for 3 or 4 days on Friday night. We had such negative role models growing up it's a wonder any of us are happy as adults.

When they finally did divorce, they tried to get us all to take sides. It was hard on everyone in the family. Daddy brought his daughter, who was the same age as my youngest sister, to meet me one day. I was surprised and offended by it. I asked him how he expected me to like her when he was still married to my mother, and having a baby with HER, when that girl was born? And to just spring that on me out of the blue? not easy.

Then, after about three years and another divorce for my father, he moved back in with Mama. She had him sign a contract before he moved back in--he had to pay her to live there, pay her to do his laundry, pay her to cook his meals. And if he hit her even once, he would be thrown out of the house. They lived like that for about 10 years until he died in 1992.

Read the latest at http://fabgrandma.blogspot.com/

and a freshman in college. My mom found pictures of my dad with another woman and her children on vacation. About a month later, my mother attempted suicide. My brother was 15. The only way that he could be sheltered at all was for me to come home from college and take care of him and her. My life was derailed for YEARS. There was no buffer. If my father knew the things that I knew about him...well, it would explain the distance we've had over the years and he would be mortified. I'm now 33. It's behind me and I have a fantastic life. BUT, it still remains the single most difficult thing I've ever endured. And I've been through a lot.

Divorce is painful on all involved and I think it's more the circumstances and how it's handled that matter than it is the age.

My parents divorced when I was 3 so I wasn't even really old enough to remember the actual divorce. What I do remember is that my dad never came to see me and I always wondered why. Only I blamed my mom instead of myself, and my mom did NOT refrain from talking poorly of my dad. I remember aching for him and hating for her for all the nasty things she said and telling her that maybe he would come see me if she wasn't so mean. (He did come around some, but then they would get in an argument and I wouldn't see him for months/years)

My husbands parents just divorced a few years ago after 24 years of marriage and he took it very hard. Both parents would call him crying and, even though he never had to choose a parent to live with, he was still sort of urged to choose a side.

divorce of adult parents is rotten, for all the reasons you outline, and you have my sympathies.

the only thing it's important not to forget, if you're going to even introduce the concept of whether divorce is harder on kids or adults, is that a lot of kids don't - or didn't - have the shield you mention or the sheltered divorce experience clueless newlywed describes below.

growing UP with a lack of a protective bubble - especially if most of the kids around you retain one - robs you of that foundation and model and sense of happy ending, except it has to sink in at 10 instead of 30. and it's just as overwhelming.

Have I told you that Tom's parents are divorcing this year, after 30 years together? It's really rocked our world, as they were the last couple we knew who "worked" and had lived through countless crisis and (we thought)had just gotten stronger as they overcame each one. Tom and I are now the longest surviving relationship in either of our families! That's a lot of pressure, and honestly it made us question if anyone could make it.

So yeah. I hear ya hun. I'm sorry you are feeling this shake up as well, but soon, maybe it will just be the new normal. Right? Christmas this year is going to be weird.

My parents divorced 6 years ago after 48 years of marriage. THe hard thing for me is listening to my mother complain about my dad when I still love him and don't want to hear it anymore. I am Switzerland. The holidays are really hard. They both want to see me and their grandchildren, but I always feel bad about the parent that doesn't get to share. I still think parents should work out a parenting plan for their kids even if their kids are adult. That would make it easier on me. My Dad is getting remarried soon...I can't even imagine what chaos that will mean for me.

Lanita Moss 

A Mother's Hood ( http://amothershood.com )

Birth by Paperwork ( http://www.birthbypaperwork.com )

I come from a family that marries and divorces frequently and often. Mom, Dad, Grandpa all have 4 marriages each. Other relatives have 2-3 each.

My advice for people who are adults when their folks break up is as follows:

1) You are not responsible for your parents choices, be they good or bad. Don't feel bad if you have the draw border lines and make them stick to it.

2) You are not responsible for your parent's emotional states. You can be sympathetic, but you are not responsible to fix or even patch, they are.

3) If you have a family member by marriage who you like and want to remain friends with, do so. You are not the one who got the divorce, your family member did. By remaining in contact with a cousin/aunt/grandparent/stepparent by marriage, you are not betraying your family member. Now if you make a choice to cut off your family member for the other side, then that isn't fair either.

I have one uncle by marriage that was like a good second father to me, when he and my aunt got a divorce, I chose to remain friends with him and his new wife. Not super close, but I do see them at least once a year. On another branch, I have a blood uncle who got a nasty divorce and I don't admire either side of that event. Even though I was close with his ex before the divorce, I rarely see her now, as I don't like how they treated each other and am not interested in taking sides.

Will stop writing my novella now.

Black Phoebe :: Ms. Jen ( http://www.blackphoebe.com/msjen )

I've had the "un"-lucky opportunity to live through a parental divorce experience twice--once as a child, and once as an adult. My parents got a divorce when I was 5. My mother remarried, and when I was 28, my step-dad and her divorced.

I can tell you that it most definitely hurts more now than it did when I was a child. My biological parents took the steps to protect me from a lot when I was a child...So I pretty much saw the divorce as a way to get two of everything. My parents remained civil throughout the rest of my childhood and early adulthood, so I didn't really have much of an issue with the first divorce.

As a grown woman though going through a parental divorce again, I can tell you it hurts...A lot. Mostly because I'm no longer shielded, because I have become a sounding board, and because as a married woman, I really understand the concept and meaning of the "D" word. But also because I feel like I'm losing big chunks of my family--My step-father's. My mom's second marriage lasted almost 20 years, and now I feel like I'm betraying her by staying in touch with the family that turned their backs on her b/c this divorce was a messy one.

The Clueless Newlywed, Nikki Flores