Dealing with (Irrational?) Fears in your Relationship

Beverly - It's so true what you say, but developing that "a deep level of personal confidence and security so that when everything around you starts to rock, you are able to stay calm and get through to the other side."  Sometimes that kicks in for me, but it remains a challenge in an ongoing way.

s.e.a.mom - Anxiety, yes. Sigh. I have been working on being authentic within my relationships. It's scary, but better in the long run, perhaps, no matter what happens. At least, that's what I tell myself.

Bill - Nail on the head, right here. Being in love is terrifying! :) And I've never thought of "fear of success" in terms of relationships, but I think that's a really good point. Certainly in L.A. I think that definitely happens.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

It's good to be afraid of losing your relationship(s), because that means you care about them.  The alternative is not to be worried about it one way or the other, in which case, how important can it possibly be to you?

There's also the fear of success.  The fear that this person is going to be "The One" and you're going to be "stuck" with them for the rest of your life.  I guess that wouldn't be an issue for someone who doesn't pride him or herself on freedom of choice and doing whatever they want to do whenever they want to do it.. but it's a genuine fear for lots of people and I'm sure people have bailed from relationships BECAUSE it they were going "too well".

~ Bill ( http://billcammack.com/ )
I blog at billcammack.com ( http://billcammack.com/ )

( http://billcammack.com )

At least that's what I've come to identify it as, after living with the very same irrational fears that you describe. I think that some people (like me) get scared about stuff - in particular losing stuff we love and value...people, relationships, situations, etc... and for me I'm pretty convinced that this comes from losing my mom at a very young age, and never ever finding that replacement.

So, in my whacked out little world, whenever I really love some one or thing and put my all into it, I sometimes get these annoying images popping into my brain that remind me to not get too attached, not get too involved - because hey! before I know it, it could all be gone!! These ideas come in the form of people have heads severed, auto crashes (one of my fave reoccurring themes), big disastrous fights, events that prevent me from getting where I need to go to get what I want, etc... You get the picture. So, you are not alone at all, and I think the key is to identify what is rational vs. what is irrational (as my former therapist put it). And to remember too, that putting your most authentic self out there , regardless of the risk is always much more rewarding than anything else.

p.s...letting go and moving forward are the ultimnate goals here, but not wanting to share your anxieties with an S.O. does not mean you are stuck; in fact I think it's a good idea to pause before giving away those very personal parts of yourself that someone may not understand anyway!

As a hypnotist who works with people on their fears and an author who writes about relationships,  I have to respond. The truth is, even if your worst fear happened -- to quote Gloria Gaynor -- you will survive! Sometimes the things we fear most in a relationship teach us something about ourselves that we really need to learn. I don't want to sound "polly-anna" because I have lived through my share of horrific things happening to me with people I trusted the most, but when I look at each situation (although I wouldn't want to repeat them for anything), I couldn't have imagined the events would happen, and yet they all brought me to a better place. It's so important to develop a deep level of personal confidence and security so that when everything around you starts to rock, you are able to stay calm and get through to the other side. And, with our kids -- I'm blessed with three that are the best things ever to happen to me -- we aren't really "in charge" anyway so we have no choice but to LET GO!!

Beverly Flaxington

Blog: Dealing with Difficult People ( http://dealingdifficultpeople.blogspot.com/ )

Book: Understanding Other People: The Five Secrets ( http://www.understandingotherpeople.com/ )

Heck, I sometimes feel that way around babies, and they aren't even mine! Especially newborns, man, they stress me out. They seem so fragile!

I hear you about accepting that a man will do what a man will do and you will live with the consequences and move forward regardless. Yes!

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

To step back from our fears and insecurities and try to live in the moment sometimes, and just *enjoy*, right?  I definitely try really, really hard to just enjoy where I'm at and what is a part of that live right now.

It's really difficult sometimes, and other times it's a breeze.  I do hope that a lot of my anxiety will calm down, given time.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

I don't know about you, but that is what I perceive for myself. That the reality I could survive; it's the fear of it that's killing me.

Of course, also, when you struggle with fear it's difficult to separate the irrational from the rational sometimes.  With one of my exes my instincts were frequently dead-on, so that makes everything really confusing, too.

Liz Rizzo ( http://blogher.org/blog/liz-rizzo )

I blog at Everyday Goddess ( http://everydaygoddess.typepad.com/ ).

redheadshesaid
http://redheadranting.blogspot.com/

I felt that irrational fear when my son was born. I knew I was crazy, that the chandelier would not fall on him, especially if he wasn't in the room, but I imagined the worst possible thing that could happen to him and then thought about it more. I got help.

I probably felt that way about a man but as I have grown older and I hope wiser I don't anymore. At least not the irrational ones. If he stops loving me that is his problem and loss. If he cheats, and I know how that feels, it was something wrong with his character not mine, except of course that I picked a jerk.

I was a queen of irrational fears at one point in our relationship. Oh, a couple of points. Luckily, Denise had no tolerance for them. At all. She made that oh so very clear...that nothing would lose her faster than clinging, worrying or comparing myself to her past or the imagined future loves in her life.

Yeah, it was hard to not think that it all could vanish in an instant. But, as we come to the 8 year anniversary of the Cinderella weekend, things are different.

The younger children are edgy these days about Denise vanishing from their lives. Their father and step-mother are divorcing. We know that is the reason they, particularly the 13 yo, gabble on and on about us being bound, us being like mac and cheese, peanut butter and jelly. They want that reassurance. But, their focus on it makes me uncomfortable, like rubbing an old scar. I have learned to love the fact that each choice we make is a choice to be together. Sure, one could argue that our lives are so entertwined at this point that it isn't actually a daily choice. On the other hand, with the knowledge of the sheer impermanence of anything, I have learned to be more confident, to stop barking at shadows, and always remember that we can each make another choice, so making sure that is not the case means being a better me than I am on my own. 

~TW ( http://ramblewoman.blogspot.com )
( http://retro-food.com/ )

Retro-Food ( http://retro-food.com/ )

( http://retro-food.com/ )

I, too, feared that he would stop loving me and break up with me.  And he did.