An Open Letter to Beyoncé About Her Nursery Plans

You might think this is another one of my judgmental rants in the same vein as my letters to Katie Holmes, Mariah Carey and Rachel Zoe. Quite the contrary. This is all admiration and real estate envy.


Dear Beyoncé,

I just read reports that you are building a 2200-square-foot nursery for your as-yet-unborn baby. Let me be the first to congratulate you on this unbelievably fabulous parenting choice! You have always been a trailblazer in music, dance and fashion so I guess it should come as no surprise that you will be a trailblazer in the cutthroat world of CELEBRITY PARENTHOOD PREPAREDNESS as well.


Credit Image:ZUMAPRESS

First of all, I think it is beyond cool that you bucked the current trend of trying to out-do other celebrities in dollar amounts. While Rachel Zoe brags about Skyler's $70,000 closet and Mariah Carey waxes on about Monroe and Moroccan's $200,000 nursery, you made the trendsetting decision to talk square footage! Goddamnit woman—even at 4(?) months' pregnant, you are cutting-edge.

Secondly, clearly you have a wealth of maternal advisers who helped you come to this brilliant real estate decision. These advisers must know that a) babies can be very loud, particularly when they are crying, b) babies accumulate outlandish amounts of stuff, c) babies grow and d) real estate prices in Manhattan only go up.

What better way to fend off all of the above than with copious amounts of baby-only delegated space?

I imagine the deafening silence of 2200 square feet can muffle even the most piercing of screams. I'm not even sure a monitoring device would work from such a distance. So you will be all but guaranteed night after night of blissfully sweet beauty sleep! If you like, you can forget the baby is there altogether and go out to dinner! I don't think anybody would notice the difference. After all, what's another mile or so between family?

Most parents I know have baby-related parapherenalia cluttering every inch of their apartment: diapers, toys, books, stuffed animals, strollers, tubes and tubes of A&D ointment, etc. It's enough to drive even the sanest of mothers mad. So how awesome for you that none of these things will interfere with your life AT ALL!

I mean, you don't even have to take the baby out of the nursery until they're around 18 and want to go out on their own. Then just wall off the nursery's entrance from the rest of the apartment and VOILA! Instant pied a terre.

As for now, I'm sure a swing set, a private branch of Kidville and a wing of the Children's Museum can all be set up within the space provided.

Which leads me to a small request. Perhaps you could section off a bit of the nursery for my daughter, Mazzy? She's very cute and nobody would even notice she were there. And as with Sesame Street Live and giraffes at the zoo, I would love to see her reaction to a such a large piece of real estate in Manhattan.

Particularly since our entire apartment could fit within your baby's room.

Here's a diagram done to scale:

Picture 8

I have an idea! Maybe you could set up the world's first baby hotel in there! I'm sure tons of Manhattan parents would seize the opportunity to temporarily regain their precious office and storage space back from their children. So innovative!

I am not criticizing, Beyoncé. I am merely beyond jealous of your space and amenities. If we had the means, we would give Mazzy her own island and visit only when we needed a snuggle. Then we could finally get around to watching a Breaking Bad marathon. It takes forever when your television is within 10 feet of your child at all times.

Best of luck to you, your fetus and your outrageously large playroom!

Mommy Shorts

Ilana is the author of Mommy Shorts, a humor blog about parenting.


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