Bio
Contains multitudes.
 
 
 
 

What’s Hot on BlogHer.com

How to Get a Happier Marriage: Dear Carrie Bradshaw, Don't Blame Marriage

  • Share This Post
  • submit
  • 15
  • Sparkle (
    )
     
33706, NEW YORK, NEW YORK - Tuesday September 1 2009. Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth walking on the set of Sex And The City 2 on the Upper East Side of New York. Sarah Jessica stars as Carrie Bradshaw and Chris stars as Mr. Big in the film. Photograph: ©Darla Khazei, PacificCoastNews.com


I never understood why it didn't work out with Aidan. My sister has tried to explain it to me, how you and Aidan didn't have it, and how apparently you found it with another man who was never very nice to you. This all reminds me a bit of that book that came out a few months back that implored women to "settle," and defined "settling" as marrying someone who is kind, stable, and good. Undermining the value of it, it seems. But in your case, didn't it really come down to a closet?

I liked you, Carrie Bradshaw. When I was lonely and sad, I loved that you were a Katie Girl, and it gave me courage to be myself. I know it is pathetic to get courage from HBO, but it was the turn of the century and I was a bit shallow, and so were you, but that wasn't the whole of it either, was it? I loved your friendships, and I loved your friends. I loved your voice overs, and your laptop screen. Neither of us could have been so entirely shallow, really, because I've never known a shoe that wasn't orthopedic, but I liked you, Carrie Bradshaw, still.

I liked you, though you've done harm. You have! The number of women I know who don't believe it's love unless it's tumultuous -- that's down to you, CB. Who believe that tumult = passion. Not to mention a predilection for really expensive shoes and bags, and really expansive debt. I'm not sure that before you, these things were considered normal.

I liked you, though, but I don't think I like you anymore. I'll never really know, because I haven't seen your latest movie and I don't plan to, but I saw a preview and I'm disappointed. Unsurprised, but disappointed. Because in your new movie, you appear to take a look at your life (the not-so-nice, emotionally unavailable man you married, your closet) and determine that the problem is marriage. That marriage is boring, and passion gets stale, and then you run away to become the Sheik of Araby (and here, the preview lost me).

Though I am still a bit green when it comes to marriage, that I've been doing it for five years is nothing to scoff at. And I've been pretty good at marriage, actually, right from the get-go, when I made a decision to marry a man who wasn't an asshole. It was him, actually, who took me away from a life in which courage was HBO. So yes, in a way, it seems I required a man to save me, but he saved me from you, Carrie Bradshaw, and your fashionable post-feminism. And I've been pretty happy ever since, having put away the angst, the drama, the tumult, and without that baggage, I've gotten a lot of really good things done. If he hadn't come along, I really do fear that I might have whiled away my twenties wearing a necklace with my name on it, and I wouldn't even have been you because you're a fantasy. I would have been wearing orthopedic shoes, and I would have still been sad.

Marriage is wonderful, Carrie Bradshaw. It is a fine institution, and of course, it's what you make it. And it's not for everybody, maybe even not for you, but I resent how you deride it. I resent that the same women who've spent their twenties thinking it's not love unless somebody's throwing things are going to think that marriage should be more of the same. And that when the throwing stops, that's boring.

Carrie Bradshaw, you're boring. You make adolescents look mature. If you were real, I'd throw something at you, and that's not

  • 15
  • Sparkle (
    )
     

Comments

Post comment as twitter logo facebook logo
Sort: Newest | Oldest
Lisa Hayes 5 pts

I am growing more as a person now, married, then I ever did before. I think part of it is that as a single mother so much of my energy was directed more towards just getting things done and getting through the day.
In the nurturing environment of a supportive marriage, I am thriving. Don't get me wrong, I loved being single. I also love being married.

I recently wrote an article about how to affair proof your marriage. It's really about appreciation. I think you and your readers might appreciate it as it applies to your post.

http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/affair-proof... ( http://escapefromrelationshiphell.com/affair-proof... )

Thank you for your wisdom.

With love~

Lisa Hayes

www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com ( http://www.escapefromrelationshiphell.com )

sychoom 5 pts

Experienced only makes us more aware NFL Shop

ErwanDavon13 5 pts

My name is Erwan Davon and some call me "San Francisco's Relationship Expert" since I have been helping couples for over 17 years.Confidence is critical to making relationships and love life work out. We shine so much brighter when we realize we are perfect as we are, which does not excluded personal growth. When we have the confidence of accepting ourselves and others as we are, we can grow, we can get in great relationships, we can turn a partner on… we enjoy ourselves.If you would like support, that sounds interesting to you come check at it may be if any of you need some advice can search google for Erwan Davon Relationship Blog.

ErwanDavon13 5 pts

My name is Erwan Davon and some call me ""San Francisco's Relationship Expert"" since I have been helping couples for over 17 years. Relationships require a lot of attention! The same way a newborn child does. We think we should know what to do, but often don’t. We teach people the in’s and out’s of how to have a relationship, not only last, but get better over time. If that sounds interesting to you come check out at http://www.erwandavon.com/relationship-blog

Rusty Hoe 5 pts

I'd say I'm not lying to myself either. I'm 17 years married and 20 years with the same guy. It's not all fire cracker and earth moving but that doesn't make it any less. There is a comfortableness (probably not the right word) that we have that I wouldn't replace for all the world. He still rocks my world at all the right times but we seem to have meshed in a way that works and I can't for a minute imagine being with anyone else. Not that I don't want to smoother him with a pillow at times, or vice versa. He's a good guy at heart and I feel lucky to have found him. Maybe it depends on who you marry and what your expectations are.

Michelle Roger writes for Living With Bob (Dysautonomia) ( http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com/ )

KerryClare 5 pts

Nope, sorry, Barb210! I'm not lying to myself, unless I'm just really, really good at lying (and I'm not, which is probably why I'm good at being married). Marriage is not boring, though perhaps *I'm* a bit boring and therefore married life suits me? Distinctly possible...

Kerry Clare reads and writes in Toronto. She lives online at Pickle Me This ( http://www.picklemethis.com ).

Barb210 5 pts

Well I for one was disappointed in the first movie when Carrie Bradshaw got married. I don't think she was meant to be married...she was a single girl having a good time and now she's married and bored. I do think marriage gets boring and that all relationships get stale after a while. Those of you who disagree are lying to yourself!

lauracarroll 5 pts

I have watched some of the episodes and I admit it can be decent late night enertainment, and I enjoyed the first movie more than I thought I would. But me too--the trailer turned me off...marriage already stale and they go off on a lavish vacation. Maybe if a woman had written the script it could have been better--portraying Carrie's marriage to Big as passionate, with shinanigans, disagreements and makeups we can all relate to...AND they do not want to have kids. Is the marial boredness partly portrayed because they did not introduce parenthood into the story? Maybe, just maybe, that could be a reason for me to see the movie, to see how the childfree thing is portrayed, but then I see the trailer again, and go, nah. Like you, I used to like her and the other women, but now they jut seem, well, vacuous.

Laura
Families of Two
http://lauracarroll.com

KerryClare 5 pts

"...and doesn't want her to be someone else like Aiden did, even if that someone else is a better person."

This is an interesting point, and now it finally makes a bit of sense to me. Unfortunatly for Carrie, however, it adds up to her being an unbetter person, which I'd kind of suspecting from the start.

Kerry Clare reads and writes in Toronto. She lives online at Pickle Me This ( http://www.picklemethis.com ).

DeanaBirks 5 pts

Big, I'm convinced, is based on Rhett Butler. I thought Rhett was hot when I was about 12. Then I grew up and realized that he was a womanizing alcoholic.

Deana Birks
Eat. Drink. Read. Blog. ( http://www.deanabirks.com )

DeanaBirks 5 pts

I haven't seen the latest movie either but I was pretty disappointed by Samantha in the first movie. Really, she'd walk away from a wonderful man who loves her and saw her through cancer so she can...go on the prowl like she's 17. All while turning 50. That's not hot, it's sad.

Deana Birks
Eat. Drink. Read. Blog. ( http://www.deanabirks.com )

stirrednotshaken 5 pts

Great post. I've been married for only three years but I can say that I enjoy the peace and predictability of marriage. I feel so much more safe when no one is freaking out... imagine that. And that makes for more romance, in my view - I'm not trying to "keep" or "convince" or "reignite" - I'm just enjoying.

Carrie's life of passion, mad fights, hot make-ups, and everything in between has become for so many girls a fantastical illusion of love. It's quite ridiculous, actually.

lomagirl 5 pts

I don't get the Carrie/Big thing either. She and Aidan totally had it going on. And the Russian- come on, at least she left him when she realized it wasn't going where she wanted.
I think it just proves that we can't understand another couple's relationship. I'm sure people look at my husband and I and wonder why we're together. (He's Aidenish, but not, and I'm Carrie/Samantha according to one friend.)
I think the secret is, and we see flashes sometimes, that Big is actually a sweetheart, who brings the coffee and chicken soup, and doesn't want her to be someone else like Aiden did, even if that someone else is a better person.
Obviously I've spent a little too much time with these people. I need to see the new movie.

Bryony Boxer 5 pts

I agree with every single word. I too believe that the character of Carrie Bradshaw has done a lot of damage to young girls.

--

Bryony Boxer

The Baby Bunch ( http://www.babybunch.com/ )

Rusty Hoe 5 pts

Lordy, I would have married Aidan, have you seen him, plus he makes things with his hands and I kinda like that. Big was a douche, from the get go I just don't get the attraction.

I'm almost 17 years married and nearly 20 with Mr Right. It's not all Aiden and there are moments of Big, mostly it's somewhere in the middle, with more of a swing to Aiden. (Does that even make sense? Probably not). Love is knowing exactly how you like your coffee and bringing you one, just cause. It's being there when you have the flu and snot is pouring out every orifice in your body and you are whiny and ridiculously juvenile because everything sucks cause you are sick, yet he sticks through it and brings you chicken soup and buckets of Vicks. It's sitting on the couch watching TV and he holds your hand. Its not to say there aren't days where I would gladly grab his manly bits and put them in a garlic crusher, or that I may occasionally wish to smother him in his sleep. But overall it's the little things, the comfort and support and the just knowing of each other. Go team Aidan!

Fantastic post.

Michelle Roger writes for Living With Bob (Dysautonomia) ( http://bobisdysautonomia.blogspot.com/ )