Dear Dr. Romance: I Believe He's a Good Man at Heart
By Tina B. Tessina on October 13, 2012
Dear Dr. Romance:
My husband left to be with a much younger women. The problem became obvious in our marriage three years ago. I thought It would be something we would surpass.
I was confused and did not act until one Friday night he did not come home to sleep. He came back that Saturday night and my kids were so happy to see him that I did not ask him to leave that night. Monday morning I finally got the courage and confronted him. He told me that this girl was taking care of him like I used to do when we were dating. He said he was panning to leave and he was just making sure I could take care of things myself.
He came back twice and I thought he wanted to work things out, but he only stayed for a week each time. It has been 10 months since he last left. Somebody has left beheaded doves, chickens, women's underwear (when he was still at home) and other spells on my yard. I know he is a grown man who is able to have a will of his own, but all these things confuse me since I belive he is a good man at heart.
He is making a lot of money and has a position of power for the first time in his life. I feel I need to sort things out with somebody with experience like you who can help me accept our failure. Thanks for listening.
I'm sorry you are having such a rough time. I'm thinking that when your husband began making a lot of money, he became a lot more attractive to the kind of women he didn't think he could have, and he's childishly living out a fantasy. He is not thinking with his heart.
I don't know what to tell you about the spells in your yard. It could be him or his girlfriend, or it could even be unrelated. Spells will not hurt you: either clean them up and ignore them, or put a counter-spell in your own yard if you believe in that.
Most marriages that split apart like this already have lost their caring connection, which allows the straying spouse to make excuses for his behavior. You need a lawyer. Do whatever it takes to get one, and your husband will probably have to bear the court costs. At least get a consultation; you need to know the divorce laws in your state and the right steps to take, or you can really damage yourself and your children financially.
You're upset and grieving right now, and angry, too. I completely understand that. But, in the midst of your grief, you have to be sure you take care of yourself and your children legally and financially. "3 Tips to Help You from Becoming a Victim of the Drama of Divorce" will help you think more clearly and avoid creating problems for yourself. The following tips may also help you.
Dr. Romance’s 3 tips for letting go of the pain of divorce
If your marriage ends in divorce, you lose more than the marriage itself. Even if your marriage had problems, or you were the one who wanted out, you still will have grief over the dreams and hopes which have died with the relationship. The overwhelming feeling of loss can be confusing and difficult to understand. The following tips will help you move through these feelings and begin to focus on the future.
1. Get Support: The people around you will express a lot of conflicting feelings, because they’re experiencing shock and loss, too. This may be a time when you find out who your true friends are. Some of your friends will avoid dealing with you, or choose your ex. You need trusted friends, family, and a church or support group who will care about you, listen to you, and not judge or try to get you to "get over it."
2. Talk or write it out: Talk and write until you’ve expressed all of your grief and loss, anger, confusion and disappointment. Assume you have a specific number of tears to shed, and the more you express your feelings, the quicker you will come to the end of the tears. Be aware that expressing all your grief may be more than some of your support system want to hear. A support group, clergy person or therapist will be able to listen without judging until you’ve said everything you need to say.
3. Have a ceremony: When you feel ready, create a ceremony for letting go of your grief. You may want to include some of your close friends, ritually destroy a memento which symbolizes your grief or the lost relationship, and share your hopes for the future.
When you are ready, The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again will help you complete the processing of this divorce and get ready to find a new partner.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
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