Dear Dr. Romance: She started pushing me away and becoming distant
By Tina B. Tessina on February 27, 2014
Dear Dr. Romance:
I've been dating my girlfriend for 5 almost 6 months now. We hit it off from the very beginning and fell in love a couple months into the relationship. Both of us are independent people and level headed, but there's a deep connection between the two of us and the relationship was going GREAT until recently. She even brought up moving in together this summer and I was all for it.
Then two weeks ago she started pushing me away and becoming distant. She later told me that a guy whom she worked with and dated 4 years ago, is going to be working with her again. She had not seen him in 4 years until now. This same guy cheated on her and let her down in the worst ways. She says him, and her ex husband are the reason why "she isn't good with relationships and doesnt trust men."
She said with him back in the picture, being forced to work with him, brought all those feeling back of resentment and the though of "us" scares the hell out of her. She's afraid I'll walk out on her and her son like all the other men from her past. I assured her I was nothing like the men she's dated before and that I wanted to be there for her even through the tough times. She said she is depressed and has anxiety and until she can get it under control, she just wants a best friend and not a boyfriend. We went on "break" which from my prespective means she is politely saying we're done and doesn't want to hurt my feelings or she wants to date other people and keep me on the back burner.
I gave her space, but confronted her with my feeling on what a "break" meant. She swears that its not like that. She told me she loves me, she's happy when we're together, I'm her world and she's so in love with me, but she just needs a friend until she can work these issues out. On top of her ex bf, she also said that she's having problems at work and that 6 of her ex bf's who she hasn't talked to in years are now contacting her and one of them is a guy who raped her in high school.
That guy who raped her has also threatened to take her life in the past. She says that maybe after she works everything out we can date again, but that I have to stop trying so hard to get her back and respect what she wants because trying to win her back is what everyone else has done and it pushes her away even more. Right now all she wants is a friend so I agreed (which is something I never do; I usually never contact them again.) But with her its different. I trust her which is also a rarety, but she's been completely honest with me from the get go about everything, including her past which has alot of baggage. I trully love this woman for who she is TODAY, not yesterday.
So reluctantly, I'm playing the friend card which hurts a little. I wanna be there as her bf or knight in shining armor. We used to talk everyday since we lived 45 miles apart and only saw each other on the weekends to now, we'll go 3 or 4 days without talking or texting. When I asked what "maybe" meant, she said she didn't want me to put my life on hold for to get her issues fixed. I'm trying to understand and wrap my mind around this. One day we'll talk and I think I have it figured out and then we go days without talking and I'm back to being confused, and sad. She knows I wanna be there for her, knows I love her with all my heart and has admitted that I'm different from all the other failed relationships. I just don't know what to do.
When do I call? When do I text? Do we ever get to hang out? If she is so in love with me, why can't we date at all? As i stated we live 45 miles apart, so it's not like we smothered each other or saw each other
every day. I work 2 jobs and she works 12-13hrs a day 5 days a week. The few times we've talked since the break, I ACT like I'm ok and act like this "friends" think isn't botherming me because I'm trying to put her feelings ahead of mine since she's the one coping with the depression and all the issues. Honestly though this is destroying me.