Dear Dr. Romance: Why Do I Always Have Sex on the First Date?
By Tina B. Tessina on December 10, 2012
Dear Dr. Romance:
I'm trying to find out why I always have sex on the first date. This is not to say that I have sex with every girl I date, or even that every girl I've gone out with has even been interested in me. It is simply to say that the overwhelming majority of my "situations" have been one date situations, for whatever reason and on the occasions that the woman is interested in me, we usually end up having sex.
To make matters worse (or more clear), I can meet someone on Thursday, call her on Friday, and usually by the end of that conversation we're talking about sex and she's ready to go at it, even if we were talking about politics at the beginning of the conversation. In the end, one of two things usually happens:
1: I have sex and never see the girl again (even if I call), or
2: Inever see the girl again and never have sex with her (even if I call).
This is both a serious compliment to me (who doesn't want to be sexy?) and a serious impediment as I'd like to actually get to know one of these women and find someone decent to have a relationship with. However, without knowing how to prevent the sex and/or the running away (on the occasions that the woman is interested but decides not to pick up the phone ever again) from happening, it is proving difficult to figure out the cause and thus prevent it from happening.
Asking the women hasn't yielded any answers, nor has asking the few female friends I have left. One did mention that she thought my intelligence might be a problem for most women... then she became attracted to me and I never saw her again... others have mentioned that I have a sexy speaking voice... but nothing I feel that can really help me out. Do you have any ideas?
I think you must be, consciously or not, leading the conversation to sex. It's probably a habit you have developed over years, and it works for you to some degree, so you aren't really aware of it. You're right. Sex on the first date almost always means it's a one-night stand. So, if you want a real, lasting relationship, you've got to learn to say "later" -- postpone sex until at least the fourth or fifth date. and give both of you a chance to get to know each other.
My guess is the women don't take you seriously. They think you're a player, you're using them, and they decide to just have sex with you (or not)to use you for their pleasure, but they don't want to see you again, because they don't believe you'll be faithful. You may have developed an unconscious habit of leading the conversation to sex, which makes you look like a player to the women.Therefore, they decide there's no possibility of a relationship, so they either decide to have a one-night stand or to forget it.
To change the habit, you have to decide to wait until at least the third or fourth date to have sex, and to monitor your conversation style to remove sexual hints and invitations. This is not so easy to do, but it can be done. You have to begin with a conversation with yourself, about what you want right now, and what you want for real. "Asking for What You Want"will show you the difference between immediate gratification (one night stand) and long-term satisfaction (relationship).
Understand which one you're going for. If you just want a quickie, fine, there's nothing wrong with it. But, know it means the relationship will go no farther. Usually, it's too difficult to figure out if you want a real relationship on one date, so that's why I say have at least four or five dates, to give you an idea of who this woman is, and whether you'd like a real relationship with her.
Do different things on your dates than you've been doing. Do your usual dates involve drinking? This lowers inhibitions, and makes sex more likely. Do you invite women home with you, or go to their home? That also increases the odds that you'll have sex right away. Instead, take a date somewhere different. Avoid bars. Try a little neighborhood restaurant, and limit yourself to a glass of wine.
For a second date, invite the woman to take a walk somewhere (a nice park, a zoo, a museum) or take her to a ball game (the local college game is cheaper than a pro game, and usually more fun.) Figure out what you're interested in, and try sharing that. If the two of you have similar interests, you're more likely to be compatible.
Perhaps you need to change where you're finding women in the first place: my article "The Fine Art of Squirrel Hunting" will give you some new ideas. The Unofficial Guide to Dating Again has more ideas on how to make your dating more successful.
Tina B. Tessina, Ph.D.
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