Dear Dr. Romance: You're giving advice on what YOU consider normal
By Tina B. Tessina on July 21, 2014
Dear Dr. Romance:
Thank you for your free articles, you have a lot of good stuff in there. A couple of the girls at work and I read your articles and get a good laugh. You're giving advice assuming that our lives are what YOU consider normal. You have a good job, make good money, live in a nice house, wear nice clothes, probably have good make-up, have access to good transportation, and so on. If I had all that, I wouldn't have a problem dating.
I am very proud of what I have, who I've become, where I live, how far I've come in life, and what I've overcome; at least until I started dating. I've been through hell and have been in one too many abusive relationships and made one too many bad choices in life.
I had a great job, made good money, owned a home, had hobbies, friends, basically I had a life. After my last relationship which ended in him stealing everything I own and I had to get a restraining order. I lost everything. It's taken years to bounce back, rebuild, and get where I am. It took 3 years after that to be ready to date.
I know the type of man I want, and what I deserve. You write that we should be looking for someone successful, with a good job, a home, and that's what I want.
The problem is - nobody who has all that is going to look twice at someone like me. I'm defective. I'm damaged. I've dated over 20 men in the last couple of years, and it has been nothing short of horrible. Men question you to death about where you work, how much money you make, if you own a home, how old is your car, and on and on. They don't understand why I stayed in bad relationships, why I'm 45 and don't have more than I have. I give up. They put me down, make me feel like dirt, make me feel ashamed, and criticize me. I WAS proud and had some self-esteem, but not any more. Now I just want to hide.
I have decided that I just flat out should NOT date. Not to brag, but men look at me twice, I'm told I'm pretty, I'm friendly, easy to talk to - on the OUTSIDE I look like a good catch. To me, dating sites are "Men who want to get laid" sites. These days I will not give out my phone number before a first meeting When I do meet them I avoid talking about anything that may lead them to ask about my past. I will NOT tell them my last name. I have so much anxiety about meeting men, or even talking to them on the phone anymore I have panic attacks. I have hidden both my profiles on the dating sites. I guess it makes me feel like there's still a chance when someone sends me an email and is interested - but I know I will never meet them. Why bother, I can't handle being 'interviewed' and put down one more time.
I judge myself very harshly and am ashamed of my job, where I live, and what I have because all
the bad choices i've made got me where I am. I've been married twice, i have an expunged felony from many years ago because I got mixed up in meth for a couple of years. I've been so depressed i have gone 3-4 days without even getting out of bed. I have no family, no friends, no hobbies, no energy.
I live in a 600 sq foot apartment with my cats. I hate the way I have to live and would NEVER invite anyone here. I have an old kitchen table and chairs that need to be recovered, no curtains on the windows, no blankets on my bed, and I sit on the floor and watch a tv with no cable.
The first thing men do when they start writing me is tell me they own a home, have a good job,make good money, and then ask what I do. Occassionally there is a man who would be perfect for me - but I start thinking about having to tell him about myself, and all the excuses I'll need to come up with to avoid giving him my name, not ever invite him over, and IF we ever met more than once why I wear the same clothes all the time. Face it NOBODY will ever want anyone like me. I'm not the woman men want, I'm the women they settle for when they are either tired of looking, or realize that nobody else will ever want them. I know you don't understand and can't relate to me because you are WAY far above me. But please try.
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