Dear Johnny, or Shall I Call You Mr. Depp?
I may have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp.
This is not a new development. I watched 21 Jump Street. I had all the posters. At the time it was between him and River Phoenix. Oohhh, he was hot too. Damn drugs. I was thinking the other day about maybe explaining my obsession, adoration, love, I don't really know the proper term here. I remember once reading one of my favorite blogs, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, and she ADORES, and I don't really blame her, ADORES Tina Fey. She once wrote her a letter...read it here. I did email Jen, and she informed me that she has not heard from Tina. These celebrities, too busy for the people that they entertain. I started thinking I would just feel better if I got this out. Mainly because I don't want you people thinking I am just a total whack-job (I actually had a fan ask me today if I was obsessed). I am realistic. Optimistically realistic. Hopefully Johnny isn't too freaked out. I mean come on, we all know I'm funny. Really, who WOULDN'T want to have dinner with me? Yes, I can be wacky at times, but that's the stuff that makes life fun!
Here goes, my open letter to Johnny:
Is it OK that I call you Johnny? Mr. Depp just seems so formal. I am sure you receive thousands upon thousands of letters from fans every day. Well, maybe not since you hide away in France, or where ever you may be filming your next flick. Needless to say, I am sure thousands of adoring fans at least WRITE you letters every day. I am sure you don't Facebook, and you don't read mommy blogs, or surf the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I think we should totally hang out. I think I have some very valid points and would love for you to at least entertain the thought of a casual dinner, at my house.
If you peruse my Facebook page, please do not be alarmed. I am NOT a stalker. I know, I know, a true stalker would always say "I am NOT a stalker", but really, I'm a housewife in the middle of Kansas with 5 kids. I don't have time to stalk. I, like you, am providing entertainment to others, usually at my own expense. I love it, and am having a blast. My apologies for using you to aid in my advancement in this blogging world. I really do just adore you, and not just for your looks. You are just incredibly talented, and I think we could be friends in the "real world". With that I must say that I love my hubs and my kids, and I highly doubt I would want to run away with you. Well, I mean, anything is possible I guess. No, really. I am in my happy place. The place I am meant to be.
I see no reason why you couldn't just come on over to the farm. We could grill out some steaks, unless your vegan. I don't really picture you in my mind as vegan. I am fairly certain you are the kind of guy that likes beef. Nothin' better than a big steak, especially when you know the source (we do raise our own here). See...if I was a true stalker, I would know this about you. You could bring the wine. Here at my house, you have to contribute to the meal. No free rides. I provide the food, you provide the drink. Fair? I don't need any high-priced bottle of wine, or some fancy after dinner drink. Something simple. When we eat, we eat around the table, as a family. The conversation is usually light and silly. Please don't be offended by the words of the littles, they are kids, stuff is funny. Burps, boyfriends, and playing with their food is always funny. We will eat steak, potatoes, salad, bread (you always have to have bread) and if you are lucky some sort of simple dessert. Surely you like chocolate. Momma doesn't run a 5 star joint around here, but it is food worth eating, that I can promise. Oh, and you are required to help clean up. Sorry, I don't have a maid, or a chef, I have kids.