Dear Johnny, or Shall I Call You Mr. Depp?

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I may have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp. 

This is not a new development.  I watched 21 Jump Street.  I had all the posters.  At the time it was between him and River Phoenix.  Oohhh, he was hot too.  Damn drugs.    I was thinking the other day about maybe explaining my obsession, adoration, love, I don't really know the proper term here.  I remember once reading one of my favorite blogs, People I Want To Punch In The Throat, and she ADORES, and I don't really blame her, ADORES Tina Fey.  She once wrote her a it here.  I did email Jen, and she informed me that she has not heard from Tina. These celebrities, too busy for the people that they entertain. I started thinking I would just feel better if I got this out. Mainly because I don't want you people thinking I am just a total whack-job (I actually had a fan ask me today if  I was obsessed). I am realistic. Optimistically realistic. Hopefully Johnny isn't too freaked out. I mean come on, we all know I'm funny. Really, who WOULDN'T want to have dinner with me? Yes, I can be wacky at times, but that's the stuff that makes life fun!

Here goes, my open letter to Johnny:

Dear Johnny,

Is it OK that I call you Johnny?  Mr. Depp just seems so formal. I am sure you receive thousands upon thousands of letters from fans every day. Well, maybe not since you hide away in France, or where ever you may be filming your next flick. Needless to say, I am sure thousands of adoring fans at least WRITE you letters every day.  I am sure you don't Facebook, and you don't read mommy blogs, or surf the internet, but I wanted to let you know that I think we should totally hang out. I think I have some very valid points and would love for you to at least entertain the thought of a casual dinner, at my house.

If you peruse my Facebook page, please do not be alarmed.  I am NOT a stalker.  I know, I know, a true stalker would always say "I am NOT a stalker", but really, I'm a housewife in the middle of Kansas with 5 kids. I don't have time to stalk. I, like you, am providing entertainment to others, usually at my own expense.  I love it, and am having a blast. My apologies for using you to aid in my advancement in this blogging world. I really do just adore you, and not just for your looks. You are just incredibly talented, and I think we could be friends in the "real world". With that I must say that I love my hubs and my kids, and I highly doubt I would want to run away with you.  Well, I mean, anything is possible I guess.  No, really.  I am in my happy place. The place I am meant to be. 

I see no reason why you couldn't just come on over to the farm.  We could grill out some steaks, unless your vegan.  I don't really picture you in my mind as vegan.  I am fairly certain you are the kind of guy that likes beef.  Nothin' better than a big steak, especially when you know the source (we do raise our own here).  See...if I was a true stalker, I would know this about you.  You could bring the wine. Here at my house, you have to contribute to the meal.  No free rides.  I provide the food, you provide the drink.  Fair?   I don't need any high-priced bottle of wine, or some fancy after dinner drink. Something simple.  When we eat, we eat around the table, as a family. The conversation is usually light and silly. Please don't be offended by the words of the littles, they are kids, stuff is funny. Burps, boyfriends, and playing with their food is always funny. We will eat steak, potatoes, salad, bread (you always have to have bread) and if you are lucky some sort of simple dessert.  Surely you like chocolate.  Momma doesn't run a 5 star joint around here, but it is food worth eating, that I can promise.  Oh, and you are required to help clean up.  Sorry, I don't have a maid, or a chef, I have kids.

After dinner, we can sit around and shoot the breeze.  Our kids can play, oh yeah, you can bring your kids too!  I have 5 of them (3 girls, 2 boys), and they love having company.  They are great entertainers, and love making new friends.  You will see that country life has its privileges.  4-Wheelers, wide open spaces, kick ass games of hide and seek, tree forts, baseball, and of course feeding the cows and lambs (hey, it is fun for my kids). You name it, we play it.  And might I mention we live in the middle of nowhere.  The closest little town has about 700 people, so you can pretty much sneak in without a problem.  I will keep it on the down low that you are coming over.  No one even needs to know.  As hard as it will be to contain my excitement, I would do it for you.  No paparazzi, no media, just us.  Sounds like heaven, doesn't it?  It's better than France, I guarantee it.

(Credit Image: © Sharkpixs/

We can get the kids settled in, let 'em watch a movie, mine LOVE Alice in Wonderland by the way, except the Jabberwocky kinda creeps out the 4 year old.  Then we can sit out on the patio, drink some wine, and converse.  Just talk.  About stuff.  Nothing in particular.  Just hang out.  I promise not to swoon over you...much.  I mean, really, have you LOOKED in a mirror lately?  The years have been good to you my friend.  Anyways, I would love to chit chat about music, and movies, and life.  I know our lives are completely different, and I am interested in how you can juggle everything.  I know how difficult it is to just juggle being a stay at home/work from home mom with 5 littles and a husband who farms for a living.  I can only imagine how you are able to stay involved with your kiddos while traveling the world, making movies, premieres, award shows, blah, blah, blah... Plus I would really like to address this issue about you and an Olsen twin??  Really?  Not impressed.

My birthday is in June, FYI.  which is interesting since June is a great month to visit Kansas.  Not too hot, but hot enough to hit the pool and the ball fields.  It makes for lovely evenings outside, and if you come at the right time, you could hook up with Farmer Bob and go cut some wheat, or alfalfa, or both.  That would be just a little awkward.  My Hubs and my life long obsession. Together in a combine.  For hours.  Priceless.  I would take pictures of that if you don't mind.  For longevity.  Really, the thought of that really makes me giggle.  Maybe you could consider it research for a role you are playing in the future? I am sure playing a hard working farmer/father of 5 is a pretty popular role. You've played a kid with scissors for hands, a mobster (holy hotness), a drug dealer (one of my faves by the way), and a drunken pirate (my all time fave). Surely there is some demand for a farmer/father type role in Hollywood.  You can even film here.  I could play the farmers wife.  I would do it, for you.

All joking aside.  I think we could have a lovely time together, and by WE I mean you, me, Farmer Bob, and the kids.  I don't want you to be creeped out by the insinuation that I mean just you and me.  Oh, that would be lovely, don't get me wrong, but I don't want to tempt you too much. I am pretty cute, but I am also a married woman.

I don't need much notice.  Just don't be alarmed if you arrive and there are toys everywhere, the house is a mess and there's a naked kid in the front yard.  Again, no maid and by summer I am hoping to be potty training (sounds glamorous, I know).  Well, I have a maid, but she sucks.  I think she spends too much time working on her blog and on Facebook and Pinterest. In the meantime, I will try to keep steaks in the freezer and the patio cleaned off.  My hair washed and colored, legs shaved, and brows waxed.  I hope you will entertain the idea of a quiet vacation in Kansas.  I promise, you won't regret it!



PS.  I know you are from Kentucky.  I have deep Kentucky roots as well.  Something else we could discuss. Maybe we are cousins or something?? That would be AWESOME!



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