Dear Kate Winslet

So  the media is all abuzz because you  lied about the emergency c-section delivery of your first born baby a few years ago.  You recently fessed up about that lie after the natural labor and delivery of your second baby, and I'm really glad you're satisfied with that birth and I hope you feel better about yourself. I totally understand getting all pumped up for a natural birth, a homebirth or a home water birth, or maybe even a koi pond birth so you can commune with the fish while your baby crowns, because who wouldn't want to do that? No? Well, not the koi fish thing because I know how weird it feels to get my legs nibbled by fish when I'm splashing around in the Chesapeake Bay and I'm fairly certain that if a huge koi nibbled me during a contraction, I would probably grab it and chuck it at my husband, but anyway...

People are naturally talking about this because lying is wrong, yes, but also because you sort of reinforced something that a lot of moms who couldn't deliver vaginally go through: shame. Most pregnant women spend forty weeks preparing for their births: no matter what their birth is supposed to include, whether it's avoiding an epidural or an episiotomy, or just chillin' with some big ass goldfish, those are their plans. Having a birth plan is a good thing, and it helps you feel in control of a frightening situation because honestly, birth can be scary. Yes, it hurts, it's weird, and then there's the whole issue of the baby that you have to bring home with you and keep for eighteen years. So, I guess you had your plans, too; things didn't go accordingly, however, and here you are.

You probably didn't leave the hospital planning to lie about your birth. Maybe something happened. Maybe you went home and were nursing your baby while looking at Facebook and there were no less than forty status updates from your friends about how empowering their natural births were and how glad they were that they trusted their own bodies. And you though, "Oh, that's my problem. Not enough trust! I'll remember that next time."

Maybe you heard about the mystical "birth orgasm" and got really bitter. No, that's probably not it. (Yes, birth orgasm is supposedly a thing. All I know is I've had four babies and while there were many feelings occurring during those births, sexual arousal was not one of them. And how is that even okay if it does occur? Not that I'm judging, but WTF?)

Maybe a friend ever so helpfully showed you her awesome homebirth pictures, artfully mounted in a nice leather album. Or maybe pleather because she's vegan. Who knows? Were they beautiful pictures? Did she look awesome even when she was pushing? Yeah, that sucks. If you're like me, you looked inhuman while you were in labor, so now you not only hate her for her good birthing genes but also for her modeling skills.

Could your breaking point possibly have been when an even more helpful friend replied, "I TOLD YOU SO!" after you confided in her that your hospital of choice and birth experience might not have been so great after all. I happen to know for a fact that women who say things like that to other women give their babies Milkbone Dog Biscuits to teeth on, and I'm guessing that her daughter probably earns her living on a stripper pole and her sons probably live in her basement and she pays for their World Of Warcraft accounts. So feel better!

People lie sometimes. It's a fact of life. Celebrities aren't moral compasses for the general public and they don't have to be spokespeople for all the causes unless they just want to. You don't have to be the Pied Piper of C-Section Pride, because the only person you have to answer to is yourself. Remember, though, your self worth is not wrapped up in how your baby was removed from your body. Yes, it's good and important, and too many c-sections are performed unnecessarily, but the more time we waste on getting wrapped up in how we birth, the less time we have enjoying why we do it all in the first place. Our babies.

Love, Colyn

P.S. Did you really pee on  yourself in Holy Smoke or did you have a bag of water with a squeezie thing under your clothes that made it appear as if you peed? Because if you really peed, I'm impressed; lots of people can push a baby out of their vagina, but not everybody can pee on a movie set with everybody watching.

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