Dear Miley Cyrus: I Like Your New Song. Your Tongue? Not So Much.

Oh Miley, Miley, Miley...

Let me start by saying that as the mother of a twelve year old girl, I don't for one minute think it's your sole responsibility to be a role model for my daughter. You're a celebrity. You're Hollywood. And despite your country roots, you're a little bit rock 'n roll. Truthfully, I've always admired the fact that you didn't take the easy path when carving out your career, riding Daddy or Disney's coattails into humdrum obscurity.

And the fact that you embrace the wild stuff, the "oh my God look what Miley did stuff" doesn't enrage or sadden me as it does some. You're a grown-up now, and you owe me and my kid nothing. You do what works for you, what sells your records, and what feeds your soul.

Oh, I hope all this feeds your soul. Somehow.

And I want to go on record as saying firmly and in a loud, well-modulated voice that I like your new song, "Wrecking Ball." I really, really do. The song itself is catchy, emotional, with a great little melody that shows off your voice (which, contrary to a lot of what the mainstream media says, is really pretty good).

But that video.

Oh, Miley. That video.

 

I feel like I just have to tell you how utterly and completely off-putting it is to constantly see your damn tongue. Really. You have a problem, girl. You are besotted with your tongue in a way that no one (save maybe Liam Hemsworth) seems to be. Keep it in your mouth, please. It's not sexy, it's not cool, it's not anything except weird on a really uncomfortable, "Ugh, is she doing that tongue thing again?" level.

Just for reference, Miley:

You lightly touching your tongue to your top lip as you're deep in thought or singing the "th" sound - kinda sexy.

You sticking your tongue five inches out of your mouth or licking a sledgehammer like you're about to insert it into your body - creepy as hell.

Just so you know.

But I love the song, other than that. Really. Well, except for the part where you're naked and I don't know why. Naked and swinging on a wrecking ball, undulating your naked parts against the big, cold chain (which, again, is not sexy and looks really freaking uncomfortable). And when your obviously untanned, perky lil' booblets are glowing like beacons to the point of serious distraction, and not in a good way.

Then again, I'm not who you're getting naked for, so maybe I'm just not seeing the appeal. What I'm seeing is the desperation. The pathological, deep-seated need to assure everyone that you, Miley, are a sexual creature now who has sex and is sexy and does sexual things - and I'm guessing a lot of them involve that tongue that you're so proud of.

So, congratulations on that. The sexual stuff, I mean. Hooray, Miley's a grown-up now. Except, the thing is, Miley, real grown ups who are confident and embrace their sexuality don't really feel the need to brag about it, or to show it off like a big ole "F--- Me" banner.

Like the big, brash college frat boy at the party who introduced himself and then assured me I'd be screaming his name later, or the construction worker who yelled out to me that he could "ride me like a real man" or the drunken redneck at the bar who told me he like to pour an extra beer before sex because when he "headed south" he planned to "stay a loooong time" (Oh, I wish that one wasn't true), bragging about the fact that you have sex, like sex, want sex and want to be seen in a sexual way is not sexy. It's just not. It's creepy, and a little pathetic, really.

If you want to have sex, then find the person you want to have sex with, get their assurance that they want to have sex with you, and then have sex (responsibly, of course). You're an adult now. You can do that. And you can enjoy it. A lot.

I don't need to know a thing about it. Hell, girl. You're with Liam Hemsworth. Who wouldn't be having sex? A LOT.

Confidence is sexy. Self-worth is sexy. Having that tight, toned body and moving it in time to the music is sexy. You can even flash a little skin with a look in your eye and be amazingly sexy. Having a hit song that's a pretty good song and putting money in the bank is sexy.

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