Dear Santa, Please Don't - What NOT to Buy My Son For Christmas

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Let me help y'all out, mkay? I am with this kid 24/7 - homeschooling is like that. I can tell you, without a doubt, what gifts not to buy a boy. OK, at least my kid does NOT need  these for Christmas this year. And if you love me - and my sanity, you'll take notes.

 

Husband - (Besides the whip I fortunately caught you putting in your shopping cart.) I saw the two of you hanging out at the "survival" knife case over at REI the other day. I am hoping you were only humoring him. I can think of one million ways our son could cause irreparable damage to our house with a 2 inch "safety knife."

Grandpa - I know he's been asking you for a new set of tools lately. Let me stop you right now. I know you read my essay in The Mother of All Meltdowns, and you know what that kid can do with a hammer. Let me tell you right now, his hammer is not "lost." So please don't "replace" it.

Grandma - You might thing that getting him one of those fun science kits is a great way to further his exploration. It's not. You will spend $30  on something he will use up in 5 minutes creating a potion to Destroy The World (insert evil maniacal voice).

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Aunt & Uncle S - You've seen all the videos, he love's to perform. His renditions of The Devil Went Down to Georgia and The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald are legendary. I understand your desire to help him further his musical adventures. But a microphone? Believe me, the super-strong ear plugs I bought from the shooting range aren't strong enough to tone down his normal speaking voice.

Queenie & Kingy - It's a natural to want to foster this kid's love of science. You're the first one's he tells about his "potions." As a scientist, Queenie, you are the end all be all. I know he's been asking you to bring a bunsen burner home from your lab. I assume you know better, but just incase. Don't.

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I know he'll ask you if he sees you, so for your edification, we don't need anymore:

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boats
police cars
guns
or handcuffs

Thanks so much.

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