deardoug

deardoug, Today was the perfect day, warm, sunny day. Started with a tasty cup of coffee while watching the teenage bluejays gobble up all the seed at the feeders; three times I refilled them. Then a walk in the woods with the horses and dogs. Time spent with a friend looking for her first horse.  Some greasy fries and a hot dog at a little place that hasn't changed in 15 years. A call to my Son to wish him a good trip, his first vacation in 7 years. Then home, horses fed and everyone bedded down.  I sit down and put my feet up, thinking maybe, just maybe today I won't think of you, won't miss or ache for you.  But I am wrong, after 8 weeks you would think it would start to get better but I close the door at the end of the day and all I see is your face.  I wish I could talk to you, see you, touch you and kiss you.  My heart aches.  I should be so angry and I am angry with you but even with everything that has happened over the last few years, I can't think of being without you.  My grief is so complete, the pain so real I just don't know what to do or how to proceed.  I have decided to take the next year to discover what went wrong. As you know I just turned 57; I don't feel like I have baggage, more like questions, questions and a desire to find the answers.  These answers can only come from me. Since I can't see you I decided to write you a letter everyday for a year and since 8 weeks hasn't been enough, maybe 365 days will be enough.  Because as wonderful as today was, it was missing you.  I closed my door and lonliness followed me.  The ache in my chest returned and the tears began to flow.  I miss you and love everyday.  Because our phone conversations have gone so wrong lately, I texted you an olive branch, apologized for my part and haven't heard from you since.  I am writing this all down because I don't want to hold it in anymore.  Maybe if I write it down it will help.  So one day down, 364 to go.  Looking forward to feeling better, one day. I love you, good night. 

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