By deardoug on October 06, 2013
deardoug, Today was the perfect day, warm, sunny day. Started with a tasty cup of coffee while watching the teenage bluejays gobble up all the seed at the feeders; three times I refilled them. Then a walk in the woods with the horses and dogs. Time spent with a friend looking for her first horse. Some greasy fries and a hot dog at a little place that hasn't changed in 15 years. A call to my Son to wish him a good trip, his first vacation in 7 years. Then home, horses fed and everyone bedded down. I sit down and put my feet up, thinking maybe, just maybe today I won't think of you, won't miss or ache for you. But I am wrong, after 8 weeks you would think it would start to get better but I close the door at the end of the day and all I see is your face. I wish I could talk to you, see you, touch you and kiss you. My heart aches. I should be so angry and I am angry with you but even with everything that has happened over the last few years, I can't think of being without you. My grief is so complete, the pain so real I just don't know what to do or how to proceed. I have decided to take the next year to discover what went wrong. As you know I just turned 57; I don't feel like I have baggage, more like questions, questions and a desire to find the answers. These answers can only come from me. Since I can't see you I decided to write you a letter everyday for a year and since 8 weeks hasn't been enough, maybe 365 days will be enough. Because as wonderful as today was, it was missing you. I closed my door and lonliness followed me. The ache in my chest returned and the tears began to flow. I miss you and love everyday. Because our phone conversations have gone so wrong lately, I texted you an olive branch, apologized for my part and haven't heard from you since. I am writing this all down because I don't want to hold it in anymore. Maybe if I write it down it will help. So one day down, 364 to go. Looking forward to feeling better, one day. I love you, good night.