Do You Unfriend Someone on Facebook After They Die?

July 28, 2010 11:36 am by Denise in Tech

Grave in forest

I've told TW that it's perfectly fine for her to use BlogHer Chatter, Twitter and Facebook to notify friends, family, coworkers and acquaintances about my death -- once she makes a couple of phone calls and text messages. We've talked a lot about what should happen to our blogs after we die. We somehow neglected to think really hard about what to do with Facebook after we die. Even though Paula included Facebook in her great post, Managing Your Social Media Afterlife.

I don't particularly care what happens to my Facebook or Twitter accounts after I die, BUT I really don't want my Facebook friends receiving the messages suggesting they contact me -- or help me find friends. Which is exactly what's been happening to TW... one of her co-workers passed away and, fairly regularly, Facebook posts these kinds of action items. It's an uncomfortable feeling. But she says it feels wrong to unfriend someone who has recently died. So she's just kind of stuck.

My mom and my 20 year old daughter were visiting me last week, so I asked what to do about their Facebook accounts if they die. Can I go into their accounts and send everyone a message and then unfriend everyone? Should I try to convince Facebook to shut down their accounts? Or do they want people to receive these "Help Michelle find friends," or "Send Georgeanne a message," reminders until their friends and family members get fed up and block them or unfriend them?

Thinking about what to do with our own online content is important but it feels just as important to think about how those automatic action messages will affect those we leave behind.

Do you unfriend someone who has passed away? Or do you just deal with those automated Facebook messages when you get them? How would you like your Facebook presence to be handled once you've died?

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

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Oh, hmm.

JennaHatfield July 28, 2010 - 11:38am

My husband has instructions for my blogs and twitter account... but... he shuns Facebook. Perhaps I should put someone else in charge of that.

I would likely have whomever is in charge of the account leave it up for a week after whatever service was held... and then delete.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom), from Stop, Drop and Blog and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land, is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

 

Shunning Facebook

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:16pm

Maybe the person best suited to delete your Facebook is the one who shuns it the most. :-)

Really - delete completely? Do you want someone to notify your Friends prior to deletion, in case some of them don't hear that you've died?

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Yeah

JennaHatfield July 28, 2010 - 2:30pm

Delete completely. Since my husband is anti-FB, he'd never know if someone hacked me and created e-drama about my return from the dead.

But, yes, the person in charge would alert everyone.

Jenna Hatfield (@FireMom), from Stop, Drop and Blog and The Chronicles of Munchkin Land, is a freelance writer and newspaper photographer.

 

Zombie Firemom!

TW July 29, 2010 - 5:45pm

I am totally on it!

Retro-Food.com

 

Not so bad.

SusanFowler July 28, 2010 - 11:45am

This happened to me in college. Typically, Facebook deletes those profiles after awhile because they are no longer living, therefore it violates facebook rules for them to have a page (or something like that). This girl's page is still up 4 or 5 years later and I do occasionally get messages to get back in touch with her.

I don't think of it as a horrible reminder. I check out her page, and it's mainly people leaving messages for her telling her how much they miss her, or wishing her a happy birthday. Yes, she's passed on and won't be checking her facebook, but it's nice for everyone to have a place where they can remember her.

Occasional Genius
www.susanfowler.net

 

A memorial

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:17pm

I like the idea of the memorial - but I really dislike the automated messages from Facebook telling me to get in touch. If Facebook really does turn pages into memorials and can eliminate them from those "pokes", I'd be all for this.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Take it Down!

SCanon July 28, 2010 - 12:01pm

I'm with Jenna on this one. Leave the profile active just long enough for everyone to get the message that I'm gone and then delete it. I don't need my online presence to junk up the internet after I've stopped using it. I junk up the internet enough while alive.

As for unfriending people who have passed, yes. There are other ways to remember friends than by holding on to a cold and intangible profile on a social networking site.
Somer blogs at Merry Wife of Canon as well as Smell My Plate.

 

Oh Somer....

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:19pm

This frank, no-nonsense stuff is why I think you rock.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

I am Anti-Delete

TW July 29, 2010 - 5:51pm

Just because my digital fingerprint is more likely what my family will have than an actual one. What did mommy say about me turning 10? Look at this time she grumbled about the mess! Look at all these people who responded when I split my head open crashing a golf cart or swallowing a penny.

Retro-Food.com

 

Me too

Denise July 30, 2010 - 6:21am

But I also don't want people being reminded to contact me - or asked to help me make friends. I would hate that.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Messages from beyond mode

Liz Henry July 30, 2010 - 9:58pm

Yeah, Facebook should fix that.

Dreamwidth was recently working on a "memorial mode" so that when you die your account is preserved, and your friends can opt to see your birthdays, etc. or turn off that kind of notification.

I'd like to set up a special awesome zombie notification. HI!!!!! Remember me! I'm emailing you from beyond the grave!

-----------------
Liz Henry
Composite: Tech & Poetics

lizzard@bookmaniac.net

 

I like the opt in idea

Denise July 31, 2010 - 5:20am

Everyone should be able to opt in or out of those messages, not just the memorial ones but all of them.

And Liz, I'd totally want a Zombie Liz contacting me from the grave. Totally.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Memorialize the account?

lindsayla18 July 28, 2010 - 12:09pm

Facebook provides a way to memorialize an account (more info here). I had a friend pass away and after her account was memorialized, I no longer received those awkward reminder messages.

Personally though, even if someone memorialized my account initially, I'd want it deleted after some period of time.

 

I read that but...

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:20pm

I haven't yet stumbled across anyone who has done this - and stopped receiving those pokes. I've heard people say that they know someone who Facebook memorialized, but they still get those reminders to connect...

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

hadn't thought about it

texasebeth July 28, 2010 - 12:34pm

eep! I hadn't given it a single solitary thought. Hubby is pretty clueless and a total Luddite when it comes to my online stuff. Better write something up for my BFF who is also our Executrix (sp?) of our wills.

I'd just as soon have it all deleted in a timely manner after my passing. Maybe have my blog turned into a book as a keepsake for our son first though.

Elizabeth


@texasebeth  and My Life, such as it is....

 

Please do think about it

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:21pm

It's important! And it is important to leave really detailed instructions, particularly for those who aren't as internet savvy as you are.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Facebook should help here

slmagill July 28, 2010 - 1:17pm

I have had this happen to me too and while I realize that Facebook isn't responsible for deleting accounts after someone has dies automatically, I would like them to add a feature so that you can designate a "delegate" on your account that can contact FB to notify them of your death. Something needs to be done because this has to be a huge issue already.

suzi

 

They do - sort of

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:22pm

They do have some processes in place to assist but I agree that they need to do a little bit better of a job with what they have and what they provide in the future.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

I'd keep it up.

mrsjennamariebee July 28, 2010 - 1:24pm

Unfortunately, I've had a number of friends and relatives pass away since Facebook became communication method of choice. It IS slightly sad when Facebook is all "RECONNECT!!!" and you clearly cannot, but it's kind of nice to leave a note on their page when you're thinking of them, and see what others have said since they've passed away. It would be nice if Facebook could recognize inactivity and stop pushing the "reconnect" messages all the time.

Mrs. Jenna blogs at Blogged Bliss whenever her job and offspring allows.

 

I think that's nice

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:23pm

I could see myself leaving messages on people's wall once they had passed away. Heck I leave messages on a friend's wall all of the time even though I know she doesn't have a way to connect to the internet - and may not have a way for years.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

I haven't had someone die

katstone July 28, 2010 - 1:33pm

I haven't had someone die that's on Facebook that I know of. But my aunt, Katherine Gorman, who I adored, died at the age of 49 from breast cancer several years ago and I've NEVER been able to take her out of my email contacts or phone. Don't plan to either.

As for me, I've given my best friend and my husband my passwords for my blog, and I've given them a list of people to talk to that should meet as a team and decide how to keep it going to continue to help moms with PPD.

Katherine Stone at Postpartum Progress @postpartumprogr

 

Your legacy

Denise July 28, 2010 - 2:25pm

You've done so much to help women, while alive, that it feels absolutely right for the people you trust to work together to keep that going after you die.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

hmmm I haven't given instructions really

sassymonkey July 28, 2010 - 2:37pm

I have an "if I get hit by a bus" notebook with my passwords and such in it but I haven't actually given anyone instructions.

I think I should leave Denise in charge of my BlogHer account. ;)

Contributing Editor Sassymonkey also blogs at Sassymonkey and Sassymonkey Reads.

 

I am in charge!

Denise July 29, 2010 - 8:43am

Hah. No worries, I've got you covered.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Nope

Erin White July 28, 2010 - 2:40pm

Only one person I friended on FB has died. I will not unfriend her, mostly because I like seeing her smiling face when I look at my friend list :) You don't stop loving someone when they die, so I don't see a reason to unfriend them.

Erin

My Mobile Adventures *~*~* - Mobile/photo blog | @BellTinkR

The Single Rider - The fine line between "alone" and "free" | @TheSingleRider

 

So those messages...

Denise July 29, 2010 - 8:45am

The only reason TW even considered unfriending her coworker who passed away is because the message from Facebook suggesting she help {insert name} find more friends message was troubling to her.

If those messages make you upset or feel bad, and your only other option is unfriend... either way, you feel horribly.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

I don't unfriend, and I

Melissa Ford July 28, 2010 - 4:18pm

I don't unfriend, and I actually like those reminders. It makes me feel like the person is still close, even if rationally, I know that they're not.

Melissa writes Stirrup Queens and Lost and Found. Her book is Navigating the Land of If.

 

Really?

Denise July 29, 2010 - 8:46am

"Help Denise find friends." wouldn't freak you out if I was dead? Because not a lot freaks me out and that kind of messaging - it does. And it would really send me over the edge if I received them for family members or really close friends.

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 

Can't do it

planetjoshmom July 28, 2010 - 11:43pm

I am experiencing this right now as a good friend passed away 2 weeks ago after a nasty battle with Leukemia. I can't bring myself to "unfriend" her, I just, can't. And her husband and daughter have left her page up - most are using it as others have mentioned, to leave messages for her, tell her how much they miss her, things like that. Her daughter uses it quite a lot, it brings me to tears. I imagine they will take it down eventually, but I it will be a while, I don't think any of us are ready. I do like seeing her profile picture, it reminds me of when she was healthy and strong and happy.

I am not sure what I would want done with my accts. Twitter can go, but I don't know what I would want done with the blog or FB. Guess I have to think about that one :(

Sarah

http://planetjosh.squarespace.com

 

I think it can help

Denise July 29, 2010 - 8:49am

Certainly having social media spaces available for those who interact in social media is important. I've lost members of message board communities and having that online memorial really was helpful.

But - in the old platforms, we didn't get messages reminding us to contact people or help them make friends. That's the troubling part, for me.

And I am so very sorry for your loss. One of the friends I was just thinking about, as I typed this comment, we lost to Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. That was a horrible, horrible time. :-(

~Denise
BlogHer Community Manager
Life. Flow. Fluctuate.

 
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